Target refuse to stock Frank Ocean’s album… nothing to do homosexuality, obviously

EVEN though Frank Ocean’s ‘coming out’ was a huge relief for some (for others, not so much because he’s far from the first non-straight person to be involved in the world of rap), there are problems that come with it. These problems surround the kind of berk who has a massive issue with other people’s sex lives.

And so, to US megachain, Target, who have decided that they don’t want to stock Ocean’s new album – Channel Orange – despite the fact it is, quite possibly, the best soul record since D’Angelo and Erykah Badu started cutting wax. Yes, really. He’s that good.

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Posted: 13th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Justin Bieber sued for $9.2m by ear-owner – Stacey Wilson Betts has heard enough

PEOPLE with fully functioning ears have been complaining about Justin Bieber for some time now. The gyrating foetus is responsible for a series of songs that are baffling to the adult earhole, only understood by the pubeless and the creepy.

And now, Bieber is being sued for $9.2 million by an Oregon woman who claims that her ears have suffered permanent damage, thanks to the singer with the squidgy fontanelle.

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Posted: 13th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kate Middleton and Prince William: No ‘sex for months’

ARE you one of those people who preoccupies themselves with how much and what kind of sex other people are having? Is this because there’s so little of it in your life you like to live vicariously through the groins of others? Or is it just a case of being a nosey bugger who gets loads either way?

Well, genital enthusiasts, you’ll be thrilled to learn that someone is saying that Prince William and his glamorous commoner wife, Kate Middleton, aren’t getting any, at all, for ages. The poor lambs. No Royal Baby for you braying flag-wavers, that’s for sure.

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Posted: 13th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Lady GaGa: S&M pipe smoker

COMPARATIVELY speaking, Lady GaGa has been off the radar for a while now, making the alarming decision to ‘concentrate on her music’. This means we’ve got seen her in an outrageous outfit or heard about her promiscuity for at least 10 minutes.

However, that’s all about to change as we ready ourselves for news so shocking and wild that the entire planet may suck up the oceans as we collectively gasp!

Lady Gaga has been photographed smoking a pipe that resembles one used for cannabis abuse.

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Posted: 12th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Prince William and Kate Middleton angry they’re treated like any other honeymooning celebs

CELEBRITIES get stalked like prey, night and day. It’s been like that for years and unless there’s a change in behaviour or the law, then it’ll stay that way.

Not that celebs themselves seem to understand that. For example, Kate Middleton and Prince William are reportedly furious after an Australian magazine published private pictures of their honeymoon. It would seem we’re supposed to look at Royalty in a different light than common or garden famous people.

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Posted: 12th, July 2012 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comment

Lily Allen reports racist soldier to MoD

THINGS have been a little quieter since Lily Allen became a mother. Shame really, given that we actively need a controversial, erudite popstar about the place. Mercifully, we didn’t have to wait long before Lily got back in the saddle and started getting caught in a shitstorm.

And once more, it is a twitter scandal.

It all started when a man claiming to be a soldier serving in the British Army sent her an abusive message, which read “just seen you bought shit, I mean adopted a child from Africa.” The man in question removed the message but, alas, it was too late because it had already been reported on by NME.

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Posted: 11th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Kanye West has a press-induced breakdown on stage

IT is fair to say that Kanye West is a highly strung man. At times, he’s unbearably sweet, while at other times, he’s absolutely barking mad. He switches between gloomy, accusatory and hyped to A.D.D., doing somersaults, look-at-me-everyone with the blink of an eye.

In short, he’s pretty fascinating to have around.

So after showing everyone his winkie online and disturbing Taylor Swift at an award ceremony, he’s now going insane at the press he so often courts. This time, his sights are set squarely on MediaTakeOut.

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Posted: 11th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes divorce settlement and the Suri Clause

PRETTY much everyone wants the divorce between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes to result in a public mudslinging event, complete with harrowing fallout of despicable behaviour. We thrive on it. And besides, Scientology is involve which always adds a little spice to the gossip mix.

And of course, with this pair being high profile and filled with unswerving hatred for each other, the divorce settlement is rather complicated, outlining things both Tom and Katie can and cannot do with their daughter (unless you believe the rumours) Suri.

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Posted: 10th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Katie Holmes still a Scientologist, but Tom Cruise treated her like Pinocchio

THE break-up of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes is not your average celebrity split. For the most part, couples use it as a promotional tool with various front-pages running stories like My Heartache: And The Truth About That Awful, Awful Bastard. However, with this one, there’s a space-religion involved and it’s tickling every pickle on Planet Earth.

And the latest news is that Cruise is a controlling swine, acting as a puppetmaster to Katie Holmes who everyone used to think was ‘alright’, but has since become everyone’s source of pity. We all assumed it, but now sources are backing it up. Basically, Cruise controlled every aspect of Holmes’ life. Allegedly.

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Posted: 6th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Dappy gets in trouble for showing support to the murderer of Philip Lawrence

HEY! You know what’s a good idea? Being a celebrity and sticking up for someone who murdered headteacher Philip Lawrence! In fact, it is such a good idea to show support for a murderer that you should probably dedicate your pop video to him!

Isn’t that right Dappy?

That’s right. The bluntest spoon in the drawer and former N Dubz warbler, Dappy, in his new single Tarzan 2 (no, honestly), has the message “Free Leo Chindamo” in the opening credits. That’d be Chindamo who was jailed last year after breaching the terms of his licence by meeting a gang member, breaking a curfew and failing a breath test… oh, and stabbing Philip Lawrence outside his school in west London in ’95.

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Posted: 6th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Tom Cruise: Highest paid actor and general monster to Katie Holmes and Dawson’s Creek shark

UNFATHOMABLY, Tom Cruise has been announced as the highest paid actor in the world, according to Forbes magazine’s annual list. Surely he’s been in bugger-all films for some time now, thanks to that whole Scientology Business?

According to Forbes, he earned an estimated $75m (£48m) over the last 12 months, thanks largely to the rampaging success of Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol. However, while he’s been earning coins, it is also rumoured that he’s been a berk with his soon-to-be-ex, Katie Holmes.

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Posted: 4th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Beckham hates Spice Girls ‘bad vibes’

EVERY woman in the mid-twenties went barking crazy when the Spice Girls got back together to launch their musical. However, the reunion was laced with undiluted hate and the gloves are coming off.

Apparently, Victoria Beckham confessed to friends that their were “bad vibes” when the girls reunited last week and she finds it all very “amusing” that they “pretend to get on so well”. On camera, Posh Spice said that she was pleased to be back with the girls, but obviously, the photographs from the event told a different tale with Victoria standing away from the rest of the group.

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Posted: 4th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Is Gary Lineker leaving Match of the Day?

THE BBC’s Match of the Day may never be the same again, as it is rumoured that Gary Lineker will be taking his creosote tan, despairing lack of buttons on his shirt and fixed-murderer grin away from Auntie and to pastures new.

Lineker’s contract with the BBC is due to end soon, and BT – which paid £788 million to air 38 premier league matches from 2013 to 2016 – is keen to have a big face represent the brand when it kicks off. And Lineker is deemed to have a face large enough. Must be the ears.

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Posted: 3rd, July 2012 | In: Sports | Comments (2)

Mel Gibson’s own stepmother Teddy Joye Hicks Gibson get restraining order against him

TROUBLED is a word that has followed Mel Gibson around for some time now. When he’s not on-tape going postal, or indeed, threatening his ex with all-manner of vile things, he’s pottering around with a beaver grafted to his hand and glaring at everyone like a reanimated corpse.

And now, Gibbo’s own stepmother has filed for a temporary restraining order against him, claiming he’s been acting like a “wild man” in her presence and represents an imminent physical threat.

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Posted: 3rd, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Lauryn Hill doesn’t pay tax and gives peculiar reasons for not doing so, while looking at prison

EVEN though Lauryn Hill possibly made the greatest debut album of all time, she’s still as mad as a bag of talking rocks. She’s been collared for not paying her taxes and she went to her website to explain why. She said she withdrew from society to keep herself and her family safe from popular culture’s “climate of hostility, false entitlement, manipulation, racial prejudice, sexism and ageism.”

“Over-commercialization and its resulting restrictions and limitations can be very damaging and distorting to the inherent nature of the individual,” Hill wrote. “I did not deliberately abandon my fans, nor did I deliberately abandon any responsibilities, but I did however put my safety, health and freedom and the freedom, safety and health of my family first over all other material concerns! I also embraced my right to resist a system intentionally opposing my right to whole and integral survival.”

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Posted: 2nd, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Police leak Rihanna photo to TMZ, but get off the hook?

LEAKING pictures to the press is, obviously, very common indeed. If you get them by hacking an email, you’ll get thrown in prison. But what happens if you’re two police officers? Well, there’s a whole issue of betrayal of trust, misusing a position of power and, generally speaking, acting immorally when you’re supposed to be a moral guardian.

Well, the two cops who allegedly leaked the photo of Rihanna after she was assaulted by Chris Brown will not face criminal charges, officials have said.

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Posted: 2nd, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

World collapses in shock as Snoop Dogg gets detained in possession of weed

STONERS are fantastically forgetful aren’t they? You can imagine that, half of the time they get nicked while in possession, they’ve completely forgotten they had some weed about their person at all. It must be a brief rollercoaster of emotion – ‘Uh! I where d’ya find that! Wait. I’m being lectured by a cop. What was I doing again?’

The poor buggers.

And famous toker, Snoop Dogg, has found himself in some bother after getting stopped by Norwegian customs reeking of skunk.

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Posted: 30th, June 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

$1million for Chris Brown versus Drake in a boxing ring

DESPITE the fact Chris Brown and Drake are two of the lamest humans on the planet, barely able to fight their way out of a sleeping bag, they’ve been indulging themselves in a good ol’ fashioned beef. Or, more accurately in this case, a ‘Quorn’.

After throwing nasty looks at each other, doing some snide tweets and sending a few bottles up into the air in a nightclub, the world has fixed its glare on them to see if they’ll actually do anything interesting. Ever.

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Posted: 28th, June 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Linkin Park and Bieber battle it out to rule supreme over worst week in music, ever

COULD we be in the middle of the worst week in music ever? You may be able to think of other lousy periods in music history, but this one looks unbeatable. Want the evidence? Let us look at the chart.

Apparently, Linkin Park’s fifth studio album Living Things has topped the midweek album chart, ousting Justin Bieber from his lofty position. Linkin Park (pictured). Justin Bieber. It’s like choosing between Hepatitis B or C.

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Posted: 28th, June 2012 | In: Music | Comment

Even more claims appear about John Travolta!

ONE imagines that there are now people in newsrooms that work 9-5 trying to keep track of all the developments concerning John Travolta. It appears there’s a country’s worth of people queueing up to talk about his genitals, his penchant for foisting his arousal on people and general claims of his homosexuality.

Just imagine if Travolta came out and spoiled it for everyone by saying ‘Fine! FINE! Me and my wife have an open relationship and I’m bisexual! SOZ!‘ Still, that wouldn’t clear up the whole alleged sexual assaults.

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Posted: 27th, June 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Kim Kardashian: Potential is more lucrative the marriage

POTENTIAL is a funny thing. If you never fulfil it, you’re always in a position where you can be interesting without the fear of failure or ridicule. And Kim Kardashian’s apparent relationship with Kanye West is going to be one based entirely on the promise that it’ll get more serious, thereby giving them both the chance to stretch it out into as many paychecks as possible.

A wedding would only put a fullstop on the whole thing, so why stop the chatter and resultant rolling money? And in an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Kim K is keen to point out that this Yeezy relationship is not a “publicity stunt.”

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Posted: 25th, June 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Travolta gay claims crop up again, this time, with added libel

GAY or not, John Travolta is being put through the media mangle at the moment while everyone speculates about his sexuality. All we need now is an invite from Oprah for Travolta to have a little cry and tell us how hard it all is, and we’re done.

Previous stories around this have featured large chefs flipping burgers, masseurs rejecting Travolta’s sexual advances, powerful Jews and helicopter pilots. It’s ticked many boxes. And now, the latest addition, is some libel! Robert Randolph, who wrote a book about his alleged gay encounters with John Travolta has filed a libel lawsuit against the actor and his attorney.

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Posted: 22nd, June 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Emma Stone pretends to be flattered at creepy declaration of love from Jim Carrey

CELEBRITIES, as you know, are thoroughly mental. The more famous they become, the weirder they get. Take Jim Carrey for example. For some inexplicable reason, he decided to take to YouTube and declare his love for actress Emma Stone.

In the clip, he said that he wanted to have “chubby little freckle-faced kids” with her, adding: “Emma, I think you’re all the way beautiful. Not just pretty, but smart and kind-hearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you,” Carrey said in the video.

“Every day, for the rest of your life, you would thank God that I was the appropriate age for you. But I’m not. I’m 49. I have lines of my face, sometimes a little gray in my heard, and it takes me a little bit longer to pee than it used to,” he said.

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Posted: 21st, June 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Alec Baldwin speaks out about lamping photographer

PAPARAZZI photographers are, to all intents and purposes, scumbags. However, most people in Britain are awfully interested in what they do, making absolutely everyone scumbags by default. And who has no time for scumbags? Alec Baldwin! If you don’t count his brother, Stephen!

That’s right! Our Alec got into a tussle with a paparazzo and now he wants to tell us all about it.

“There was a person in front of me, and he was blocking me, and the [photographer] lunged and he almost hit me in the teeth with the lens of the camera. So, I just pushed the guy away.”

“But of course [the paparazzi] make it like, they all – my favorite line is John Malkovich’s. He said, ‘They all scream like they’re political prisoners.’”

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Posted: 21st, June 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Prepare to vomit: Jodie Marsh sending mucky texts to Frankie Cocozza

THAT feeling of nausea you feel every single second of every single stinking day is about to erupt out of your eyes and nose in a disgusting, almost beautiful, flowing arc.

Jodie Marsh has revealed that she and Frankie Cocozza share dirty text messages with each other.

Just picture that. Cocozza, with his head that looks like a Cabbage Patch doll peering out of a bear’s arse, feverishly thrashing away at texts sent from Jodie ‘looks like she’s made out of varnish and boiled sausages’ Marsh. It’s enough to make you lose every single lunch you’ve ever eaten.

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Posted: 20th, June 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)