Courtney Love hated by her daughter and Kurt’s best friends

THIS might surprise you, but Courtney Love has been going mad again. You may think that her wild ramblings, ‘accidental’ nude leaks of herself via her own twitter account, bizarre plastic surgery and the whole Burning Her House Down may be little more than accidents. However… and bear with us… she’s looking like she might be actually insane.

So much so that her own daughter, Frances Bean Cobain, wants twitter to ban her from the site after Courtney claimed Dave Grohl tried to shag Kurt Cobain’s daughter.

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Posted: 13th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)

Zombie Tupac and Nate Dogg to rise from the dead at Coachella Festival!

ONE of the best ways to maximise the money you make from your music is to die. John Lennon, Elvis and Janis Joplin all sold a million more records as soon as they snuffed the lid. Of course, it didn’t work out that way for Scatman John, but there’s always exceptions to a rule.

Another of entertainment’s hardest working corpses is Tupac, who despite being almost entirely devoid of talent, managed to become a poster boy for white, middle class kids who like straight peaked caps, all typing ‘THUG LIFE’ and #SWAG on each other’s social media networks.

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Posted: 13th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Guns ‘n’ Roses refused Hall Of Fame by Axl Rose

DESPITE being one of the lousiest rock bands in the history of human ears, Guns ‘n’ Roses had been invited to be part of the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall Of Fame. That’d be the GnFR being invited ahead of proper metal bands who influenced many, like Motorhead, Def Leppard and Iron Maiden. Not some basketball boot wearing, lycra cycling short having, pompous shagsack like Axl Rose preening over pedestrian, noodly pop-metal.

Of course, GNR all hate each other, mainly because Axl Rose is one of the most unpleasant humans on the planet (especially in his plastic-surgery goatee and cornrows years) and Slash, all big and tough, probably still cries himself to sleep when he thinks of the things Rose said to him when the band was falling to pieces.

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Posted: 12th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Alec Baldwin had dinner with his ‘stalker’ Genevieve Sabourin, which is nice (photos)

IMAGINE having a stalker. Horrible eh? Someone pestering you all the time like a toddler with a rapacious sexual appetite and a bag filled with your shaving scum. Well, Alec Baldwin has accused a woman named Genevieve Sabourin of stalking him after she started sending “a series of annoying and unsolicited communications” to the actor.

However, he first had dinner with her in 2010. Nice work. She probably swabbed his dinner plate for DNA and is cloning another Baldwin brother right now.

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Posted: 11th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (11)

Finally! Now we know that The Simpsons live in Oregon!

ONE of the most idly pondered about mysteries in modern pop-culture is: Just which state is The Simpsons’ town of Springfield in? Well, Matt Groening has now decided that we should all know exactly where that is.

And it’s Oregon – almost an American Anywhere – a boomtown on the skids, polluted hick stop, family values land of corruption and more.

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Posted: 11th, April 2012 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Whitney Houston had a number of drugs in her system when she died, which is incredibly surprising for all

SOME years ago, Whitney Houston said; “the biggest devil is me. I’m either my best friend or my worst enemy.” However, people have been prone to blaming everyone else for the singer’s troubled private life. Of course, when she went and surprised us all by actually dying, everyone immediately assumed it was an overdose and now, there’s an autopsy report which confirms the singer had drugs in her system.

Detectives found white powdery substances and a spoon with white residue in the hotel room where Whitney Houston died according to the report, which is about as surprising as finding out that a member of the clergy is a secret perv.

It transpires that Houston had cocaine throughout her system when she died, with the report adding that there was also a “spoon with a white crystal-like substance in it, a rolled up piece of white paper from off the top of a counter along the east wall of the bathroom.”

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Posted: 5th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Dane Bowers & Pal, accused of rape

REMEMBER when Dane Bowers was a popstar? Us neither. All we can ever remember is his various baffling TV appearances and that awful, awful video where he stuck his big toe up Katie Price’s doodah. Despite all this, Dane Bowels has managed to forge something of a career for himself, DJing in the backwaters of Britain for girls who want to shout “let me lick you up and down” at him.

Brrrrr.

However, there’s one woman who has a problem with the whole licking up and down thing, as the former member of Another Level and a male chum of his, were held by police on Tuesday after a woman claimed she was sexually attacked in a hotel room on Friday night.

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Posted: 5th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

If Anchorman 2 wasn’t bad enough, now there’s going to be Dumb And Dumber 2 as well

LADIES and gentlemen, it’s the return of the idiot! That’s right – getting your brain massaged by comedy so precise, it’s like eye surgery and biting satire is gone, once again swallowed by HUR HUR HUR HUR HURring and people farting into their cupped hands.

Every twobit simpleton somersaulted with glee at the news that Anchorman would be returning to the silver screen and now, they can have a full lob-on in their adult nappies at the reports swirling around saying that Peter and Bobby Farrelly will be bringing everyone a sequel to Dumb and Dumber.

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Posted: 4th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Cheryl Cole dreams of marrying Prince Harry

IT IS all very well being a pop princess, but being an actual princess is far superior. Presumably, as a member of a royal family, you get more than mere VIP treatment. You’re probably allowed to handpick a member of the public and hunt them for sport when you get bored. You probably get Findus Crispy Pancakes with griffin meat in them.

With that, we look squarely at Cheryl Cole who British pop royalty who dreams of becoming a blue blood. That’s right – her subconscious has placed Prince Harry in there as husband material, all grinning with a boner.

Of course, Harry has previously revealed his love for Chezza at an awards show in 2009, where he told Joe McElderry that one was “so jealous that you got to spend weeks with Cheryl”. During a question-and-answer session, a fan asked Cheryl whether she knew if Harry ‘fancied’ her, to which the Girls Aloud star replied: “I do! I love Prince Harry. Actually, I had a dream last night I married Prince Harry and was a real-life Princess! It’s true! And Prince Charles was my father-in-law instead of my charity partner.”

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Posted: 3rd, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

The Beatles children to form a truly awful band? The Drab Four are here

EVERYTHING ever is always spoiled by the introduction of children. Muppets – great. Muppet Babies – awful. Scooby Doo – excellent caper with slight counterculture vibes. The introduction of Scrappy Doo? Worse than a dose of anthrax. Even Popeye had a son at one point and everyone in the world wanted to end his life.

And so, let us introduce to you, the act you’ve known for all these years, The Beatles Babies!

That’s right, we could well be faced with the Drab Four if Paul McCartney’s son, James, gets his way. It has been reported that James Macca is “up for it” and that John Lennon’s son, Sean, and George Harrison’s son, Dhani, have also shown support for the idea, which would see various Beatle-sperm getting together and performing songs which will invariably defecate all over the memory of the world’s most famous group.

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Posted: 3rd, April 2012 | In: Key Posts, Music | Comments (11)

Battle of the Mels: Spice Girls at war over invariably awful musical

WRITING a musical is hard work, so why not skip much of the creative process and based it around the back catalogue of a campy, successful band? We’re looking at you, Queen and ABBA. And seeing as the collective member are all completely insane, it comes as no surprise that there’s going to be Spice Girls: The Musical.

Or will there? You see, while theatre producer Judy Cramer (responsible for the awful-but-giganto-hit Mamma Mia!) has been working on the production 2010 and there’s the small matter of Jennifer Saunders (now the female Ben Elton-esque sellout swine) writing the original script, the process is getting awkward.

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Posted: 2nd, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Ashton Kutcher to play Steve Jobs in humourless biopic

THE past 12 months has been the year of men upsetting women, but enjoying something of a renaissance with their careers on the back of it. Chris ‘knocks seven shades out of Rihanna’ Brown has seen his stock soar and Ashton Kutcher, who, allegedly, shagged a young woman in a hot tub on the anniversary of his marriage to Demi Moore has since got a rake of work.

While Demi Moore cries herself inside out while reportedly having issues with drugs and an eating disorder, Kutch heads up Two And A Half Men and, apparently, will play Steve Jobs in one of the two biopics about the late founder of Apple. Dude, Where’s My Hair Gone? in the later stages, presumably.

Of course, Kutcher has a little likeness to the young Jobs (long hair, occasional beard) and the role will see him going from vaguely wayward hippie to founder of Apple.

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Posted: 2nd, April 2012 | In: Film | Comment (1)

Charlie Sheen wishes his massive breakdown on anyone else

TIGER BLOOD is nothing something Charlie Sheen runs on any longer, which is a shame because he was kinda fun when he looked like he was about to die from sheer lunacy, porn-overload and suitcases of cocaine. However, once he started making money from his despairing situation, he started to straighten up.

And then everyone got bored. It was very much a case of Get Rich And Die Glorious or Live And Fade Into Obscurity. He went for the latter.

Looking back at his insanery, he has know idea how it all happened, almost like an out of body experience, although he wishes it was someone else’s body it happened to. Presumably so he could join in with watching the hilarious of someone fragmenting in public, getting dumped by two goddesses and unceremoniously being fired from his main source of income.

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Posted: 30th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Simpletons thrilled as Anchorman 2 is announced by Will Ferrell

WHILE there is nothing quite as funny as an unexpected fart, there’s comedy that’s so puerile that you have to wonder what kind of person actively seeks it out and enjoys it. Who on Earth watches Adam Sandler films? Plankton? Equally as bad, but oddly, given the credible thumbs up, is the awful Will Ferrell who has spoiled everyone’s year by announcing the return of Ron Burgundy in Anchorman 2.

Will Ferrell, dressed in character and playing jazz flute, stopped by Conan O’Brien’s talk show last night to break the news that Paramount Pictures has officially greenlit a sequel to 2004 comedy Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

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Posted: 29th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Rihanna and Ashton Kutcher are a couple and moving to the UK (WHAT?) – photos

OKAY. Here’s a bit of news that has come from absolutely nowhere – Rihanna and Ashton Kutcher are apparently an item. A baffling, ill-matched, brain melting item. And furthermore, they’ve got designs on being together in the UK. As if we haven’t suffered enough with the riots, bad budgets, NHS shake-up and invention of the BBC’s ‘The Voice’.

Yessir, Rihanna has reportedly been trying to persuade her rumored beau to spend the summer with her in the UK. He’ll invariably thinking that time in her warm, lovely and native Barbados would be preferable.

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Posted: 26th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Simon Cowell finds intruder in his house! Everyone looks at Louis Walsh

IMAGINE the horror of someone breaking into your house with a mental look in their eye. Of course, if it happened to you, no-one actually cares. You have to be famous for people to show sympathy about such matters. And Simon Cowell, a man who doesn’t get much kindness from the world, found himself with a nutter in his house!

No, it wasn’t Louis Walsh masturbating in the lean-to.

Cowell had just settled down in his London mansion on Saturday night to watch himself on ITV’s Jonathan Ross show (of course he’s the kind of person who watches himself on television) when he heard a noise.

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Posted: 26th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Kim Kardashian attacked by bomb on red carpet

IMAGINE getting a bomb thrown at you! Well, we’re not talking about Archduke Franz Ferdinand, but poor Kim Kardashian who has had a grenade thrown at her hair and clothes while promoting a perfume!

Naturally, the bomb wasn’t filled with nails or anything remotely explosive, rather, it was a Last Day Of Secondary School Approved flour bomb, which left everyone without any semblance of reality bemused, angry and bemused again.

An unidentified Asian woman chucked a food mortar at the reality TV/sex tape star and everyone briefly hoped it was Anthrax, just because that would be a much more interesting story than something landing on her that was ostensibly the tasteless bit of a cake.

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Posted: 23rd, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

George Michael reschedules tour now that Heather Trott is dying

ONE of the more peculiar elements of EastEnders is the subplot that Heather Trott really, really, really likes George Michael. She once hid in a garden and sniffed a yoghurt lid that she fished out of a bin. Yes, that’s primetime British television there.

Of course, since George Michael is barking mad and always stoned or nearly dying of pneumonia, he probably thinks ‘Hev’ is a real person. And now she’s being killed off (which will air tomorrow) which means that the singer now feels safe enough to reschedule his tour.

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Posted: 20th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Ashton Kutcher is being sent into space, away from humanity

SPACE is the final frontier apparently. It is also destined to be the resting place of imbecilic goof factory, Ashton Kutcher who is probably going to end up dead and orbiting our Earth.

The Two and a Half Men star is the 500th customer to sign up for Virgin Galactic, which of course, is Richard Branson’s business venture where he’ll take wealthy people into space. Branson made the announcement Monday on his blog.

“I gave Ashton a quick call to congratulate and welcome him,” he wrote. “He is as thrilled as we are at the prospect of being among the first to cross the final frontier (and back!) with us and to experience the magic of space for himself.”

“Ashton is joining a fast expanding group of true pioneers who are on their way to a life changing experience and a place in the history books. It’s great to have him on board.”

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Posted: 20th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Rosie O’Donnell is some kind of hissy monster and gets fired from talkshow

WE all know that people in showbusiness can be fantastically unhinged. Detached from reality, they throw enormous tantrums when the nigh-on impossible isn’t delivered to them on a daily basis. And so, step forward Rosie O’Donnell who, it seems, is a gasping monster who just about upset everyone who dared step onto her radar.

Rosie’s chatshow has been cancelled from Oprah Winfrey’s OWN network, thereby giving all her underlings the chance to tell us all how despairingly awful she is.

One staffer, in what may be the quote of the week referred to the show thusly: “It was such a f**king hellhole.”

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Posted: 19th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Rihanna finally speaks out about Chris Brown collaboration

RIHANNA is an infuriating human being, mainly because she’s always in earshot talking about sex. Constantly. Unswervingly. Sex sex sex sex sex until its as boring as talking about shoe-horns. However, the other story that has swirled around her is her relationship with Chris Brown.

Of course, Brown beat Rihanna up and is still on probation about it all. To confuse matters, RiRi went and recorded a couple of duets with him. It seems everyone has forgiven Breezy, apart from the confused few left looking at the situation and wondering when someone may actually mention the whole ‘being sorry for beating Rihanna up’ thing.

And now, at last, Rihanna has something to say about it all!

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Posted: 16th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Russell Brand arrested in iPhone ‘tribute to Steve Jobs’

SINCE Russell Brand split up with Katy Perry, the pair have retained something of a dignified silence, which of course, is no good to anyone. Now at least, some vague cracks are beginning to show. HURRAY! We want a nervous breakdown brought on by jealousy, and now please.

And Brand is first to look like he’s going under after he had a quick trip to the police station after being arrested in New Orleans. Apparently, he tossed an iPhone off. (What is it with Brand and phones?)

According to TMZ, Brand grabbed a photographer’s iPhone and lobbed it through the window of a downtown law office. An arrest warrant was issued and the comic didn’t try to attempt to hide his part in the phone fiasco. On twitter, he address the whole thing:

“Since Steve Jobs died I cannot bear to see anyone use an iPhone irreverently, what I did was a tribute to his memory.”

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Posted: 16th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Kim Kardashian wants a little privacy for her next wedding (stop laughing)

THE last wedding Kim Kardashian had was televised in her reality show, prompting a marriage that lasted around the same length of time it takes a mayfly to live and die. Everyone cried ‘SHAM!’ at her and Kris Humphries, Kim K’s beleaguered and incredibly dimwitted husband, got all stompy and upset about it.

Kim clearly didn’t understand why everyone loathed her so much (being rich and of no-fixed-talent never helped anyone to be loved) and burrowed away and had a long thing about her next move.

And so, here she is, talking about getting married again.

“When I saw Khloé and Lamar get married — and they had their wedding on TV — I thought, ‘Oh, my gosh, that’s so exciting! That’s what I want!'” Kardashian told Allure magazine. “If you were to ask me now, that’s not what I want … I would just want it to be so special, with our family and close friends, and that’s it. Somewhere on a deserted island, very private. No cameras.”

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Posted: 15th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Insane student asks Justin Bieber to be his ‘wingman’

CELEBRITIES like Justin Bieber tend to be quite busy. When they’e not working, they’re promoting. When they’re not promoting, they’re being chased by the press. When all that subsides, there’s the whole issue of franchises, merchandise, interviews and, of course, having sex with your adoring fans. Visiting family comes last, no doubt.

So then, what did the little berk who asked Justin Bieber to act as his wingman at his high school prom via YouTube expect?

Some dufus called Leon Purvis has asked the Baby singer to be his “bro”, noting that he doesn’t expect the pint-sized superstar to reply to his video invite as “he is a busy guy” but he’s hoping that, if he relentlessly tries, he’ll get Bieber to be his right-hand man.

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Posted: 15th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Whitney Houston’s daughter Bobbi gets romantic with… her brother Nick?

UH-OH. Whitney Houston was not a woman you could describe as ‘together’. The same goes for Bobby Brown, as the pair lived out a tempestuous relationship that swirled around mistreatment, drugs and generally looking stoney-dead behind the eyes.

When Whitney died, it looked for all the world like Bobby was going to go completely insane. However, catching everyone on the blindside, it was their daughter Bobbi Kristina who raised eyebrows so far that people are now frowning with their buttocks.

And Whitney’s mother, Cissy Houston, is not happy about it all.

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Posted: 15th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)