Celine Dion’s throat is regrettably healing

TERRIBLE news. Just when you thought it was safe to leave the house again (unless you live in Syria or you’re an Iraqi emo), devastating newsbombs are dropped in your path. And it falls on us to deliver such savage and depressing news.

Celine Dion is on the road to recovery and is expected to be singing again by the end of April after a viral infection forced her to cancel a number of concerts.

Sweet muscular Jesus! What have we done to deserve such a cruel, brutal fate? There’s violence on the streets, protests, the NHS being dismantled and a recession that won’t quit. AND NOW THIS? We’re going to have our misery not only soundtracked, but compounded, by the inane warbling of Canada’s worst export (and yes, we include Bieber and The Crash Test Dummies in that).

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 13th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Tramps are now made useful by being turned into WiFi hotspots

TRAMPS. They’ve got an awful life. When the weather’s bad, they feel it most. The die in doorways and have septic extremities. And to think, they’ve got the paucity to actually ask you for money while you’re throwing a sandwich in the bin because it was a ‘bit dry’.

Either way, vagrants are being put to good use as a New York ad agency has decided to turn them into walking WiFi aerials.

Bartle, Bogle and Hegarty (BBH) handed out free MiFi gadgets to the panhandlers along with t-shirts sporting their names alongside the words “I’m a 4G hotspot”. The hobos will be bothering people with their excellent connective properties at hipsterfest, SXSW.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 13th, March 2012 | In: Key Posts, Technology | Comment

Stephen Hawking to appear in unswervingly awful Big Bang Theory

SWITCH him off now! Stephen Hawking has clearly lost his mind completely! He’s clearly not well! Why? Because, according to rumours, Professor Hawking is about to make a guest appearance in CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory.

Seriously. It’s the worst show ever aired and Hawking can only redeem himself if he single-handedly kills the entire cast, everyone associated with the show and everyone who ever watched it and enjoyed it.

Apparently, Hawking will appear in a scene with Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

Hawking is the next big name associated with this geekgasm of a show, with an imminent show featuring the voice of Leonard Nimoy from Star Trek.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 12th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Madonna chides Karl Lagerfeld over Adele comments

MADONNA is a woman who has courted controversy for gain in the past, just like a stream of celebrities have done before and since. However, she’s obviously feeling a bit sensitive at the moment, taking time about to lambast controversial fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld.

See, Karl recently said that Adele was ‘a little too fat’. Now, of course, he also said that she had a ‘divine voice’. We’re not sure which is more debatable. She is clearly ‘a little fat’ and her voice is… well… ‘often in-tune but quite often bellowed and abrasive’.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 12th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Denise Richards is not a prostitute, apparently (Charlie Sheen gutted?)

TAKING money to indulge in sexual practices. That’s what a prostitute does, right? Well, actress Denise Richards would like to point out that she’s not a lady of the night. Although she does technically take money for indulging in sexual practices with other thesps on camera. But she’s definitely not a prostitute. Okay? Her ex-husband, Charlie Sheen can “vouch” for her.

And he’s incredibly trustworthy, isn’t he? (See Charlie Sheen’s lovers here. The sex doll’s this way.)

During a TV interview, Denise was asked about the craziest things she has ever heard about herself. Denise admits there have been a host of ridiculous rumours, but she was most shocked about claims regarding her sexual activity.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 9th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

If Justin Bieber doesn’t grow a beard, Selena Gomez is dumping him

JUSTIN BIEBER may not have fully formed his fontanelle yet, but that isn’t stopping his wickle girlfriend from demanding some manly action from him.

No, they’re not going to second-base yet, but rather, an ‘insider’ has told a very trustworthy American publication that, if Bieber doesn’t stop looking like a baby (baby, baby, ooh) and grow a beard, he’s going to find himself very single indeed. Cue: Death threats and love poems written in blood from Beliebers.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 8th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Stacey Solomon smokes through pregnancy and gets shouted at by the whole world

THICK but nice. That’s what everyone thinks of Stacey Solomon isn’t it? You wouldn’t trust her to perform eye-surgery but you would absolutely let her meet your nana. She’s unswervingly sweet but not the sharpest spoon in the drawer.

Well, unsurprisingly, Stacey’s gone and done a thick. Yessir, she got snapped smoking fags while she has a baby growing inside her. Now, that may have been one measly cigarette in the whole 9 months (she’s 7 months gone), which would’ve done little-to-no damage, but that matters not. The press demand that mothers make no mistakes. EVER.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 6th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Michael Jackson files stolen by hackers?

WHEN someone says that they’ve landed a load of files of Michael Jackson’s be hacking, you can be forgiven for immediately thinking that some smut will turn up in the turns of earth. Legally, we probably shouldn’t speculate on what kind of bongo film switched Jackson’s groin on.

Instead, we’ll point out that, in this instance, the files that were swiped were actually music files. A large number of them in fact.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 5th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Bobby Brown lived in a car so Whitney Houston could go to rehab

SO, now that Whitney Houston is dead, we can all say what we like about her because she has no feelings. What gossip is floating around about her? Well, first up, she’s strongly rumoured to have had an affair with Jermaine Jackson (a man hellbent on getting a career out of famous corpses) in ’84.

Allegedly, Jermaine was married to Motown founder Berry Gordy’s daughter at the time, which is nice. He didn’t join the Jacksons’ move to Epic from Motown because of his love for Little Gordy, but alas, found time to (allegedly) dip his wick in Whitney. She was supposedly so besotted with him that she recorded Saving All My Love for You, with a Jermaine lookalike in the video.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 5th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Engelbert Humperdinck to represent the UK at Eurovision

EUROVISION is getting among everyone again, and in the latest desperate, needy grab at being loved, the UK has tried to second guess the tastes of Europe by going insultingly kitsch and camp and hired Engelbert Humperdinck to represent.

Yes. An aging, prema-tanned man who does the jobs Tom Jones turns down.

Of course, that’s no slight on Engelbert because, face it, Quando Quando Quando is a toweringly good song and Release Me is a bona fide wedding reception classic. But will he get us loving looks from a collection of countries that essentially hate us?

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 2nd, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Does everyone know about Zac Efron’s public condom?

SO, you’re Zav Efron on the red carpet and being upstaged by all-manner of women showing their legs and arse-cleavage in their expensive gowns. Thinking that no-one in their right mind would bother looking at some bloke in Yet Another Tuxedo, you aimless amble your way to the premiere.

If you look like Zac Efron, people are looking at you because they like your well-sculpted face. You don’t notice them as you fumble around in your pocket. And while you do, something falls out onto the floor and suddenly, you’re aware that your entire surroundings has become a strobefest as the paps flood your brain with flashes.

At last week’s Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax premiere, Zac Efron dropped a condom on the red carpet because he was obviously going to be getting lucky that night.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 2nd, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Pregnant Chantelle still shagging Alex Reid despite being massively pregnant because he might cheat on her

CLASSY news time and Britain’s most simultaneously gruesome but haplessly likeable couple (likeable in a way that, they’re so blissfully stupid that you can’t help but wish them well after being mangled by the gawdawful machinery of fame) Alex Reid and  fiancée Chantelle Houghton are talking about their sex lives.

They’ve announced that they will definitely be having more than one child together, which is all well and normal. However, it is the way they talk about it which may make you dry-heave.

Chantelle is 5 months pregnant with their baby daughter and Alex is already planning for them to have a boy, too. In slightly rapey tones, Reid says:

“She has no choice. She’s going to get Reidernated again!”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 1st, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Zayn Quits One Direction!

NOT ones to entirely mock the bereaving, Zayn Malik is absolutely and definitely quitting One Direction.

That’s right! He’s left the US tour and won’t be coming back! For a short while! Because his Auntie died! And he’s going to the funeral!

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 1st, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Remarkably, someone has had condomless sex with Snooki

IF you’ve ever seen Jersey Shore (what do you mean you haven’t? Reading books were you and sneering at everyone because you’re too cool to have a Facebook account?), you’ll know how repugnant every single stinking person is who stars in it.

There’s someone in it called ‘The Situation’ and he’s so galling that Abercrombie & Fitch went as far as banning him from wearing their clothes. And there’s Snooki. She’s a lady who likes to talk about her minge and generally totter around all three-feet tall and bright, brilliant orange like a satsuma version of Amy Winehouse in her decomposing years.

Regarding the latter, quite astonishingly, someone’s gone and had sex with her. Without a condom on. So much so that she’s got a Mini Snooki growing inside her.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 29th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Brazilian man uses Jack Nicholson fake ID like a massive dumbass

LET us imagine for one second, that you wanted to open a bank account. Nothing unusual there. Now, imagine further, that you’ve got a chequered past and you might have to use a fake ID card. Fine. Contact your nearest criminal, provide them with an envelope of used bank notes and a photograph for the card.

Right? Good. What happens if you haven’t got a picture of yourself?

Clearly, the only sensible thing left to do is to provide a photograph of the gigantically famous Hollywood actor, Jack Nicholson. No-one will ever notice, right?

Wrong.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 29th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Simon Cowell: Now single – no super-injunction required

LOCK UP precisely no-one because Simon Cowell’s penis is acting as a woman dowser again after reports suggest that he’s gone and split-up with his fiancee Mezhgan Hussainy. This is according to one of the music mogul’s friends. Louis Walsh then?

If you remember (of course you don’t – you have a life to be getting on with) the X Factor honcho proposed to the American Idol make-up artist in 2010, but alas, rumours of a split have been doing the rounds since time began. Probably not helped by the fact that Simon Cowell likes to go on holiday with large groups of women.

Cowell recently insisted he was confused about the romance, saying, “I’m vulnerable. It’s not on, it’s not off, it’s somewhere in the middle. I don’t know if I will ever get married, but I am happy.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 28th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Chuck Norris goes beyond meme after getting his own Slovakian bridge

THERE are many celebrities brought back to life through memes. Chuck Norris is a fine example of that. There’s a whole host of memes based on how hard he is. Things like ‘Chuck Norris does have an umbrella because he can kick rain in the genitals’ and ‘Chuck Norris doesn’t need medicine because he bullied all the illness out of his body’.

Okay, they were made up and terrible, but you know which memes we mean. And so, bending this meme fascination out of all proportion and back into the real world, Chuck Norris is reportedly getting a bridge in Slovakia named after him.

Apparently, a bridge that spans the country’s Morava river and will cross the border to neighbouring Austria has had it’s name deferred to the general public by way of an online vote.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 28th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Everyone cries ‘Who Is Billy Crystal?’ as he blacks-up for Oscars

CELEBRITY is a funny thing. It’s fleeting and elusive and, even if you’re Billy Crystal who starred in That Orgasm Scene From When Harry Met Sally, as well as hosting numerous Oscar ceremonies, it doesn’t mean you still have currency. And so, after some time away from the Academy Awards, Crystal was asked to host once again, after Eddie Murphy dropped out.

And how did it work out? Not well at all.

See, there’s been a reasonable amount of furore after Crystal decided to ‘black-up’ for his opening sketch for the show. Adopting a ‘black face’ is a bit… well… 1970s. People don’t stand for it these days, unless you’re Phonejacker.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 27th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Taylor Swift invites cancer patient to be her date, as if he hasn’t suffered enough

CANCER is a terrible, awful disease. When celebrities get it, they immediately become brave whereas civilians are just dreadfully unlucky. What about when the two worlds collide? Well, Taylor Swift is seeing to that, asking a cancer patient called Kevin McGuire to be her date to this year’s American Country Music Awards.

The poor sod.

In fairness, being Taylor Swifted is partly his own fault. The singer asked the 18-year-old to be her prince for the evening after she turned down his invitation for her to be his prom date.

In a Facebook message, Swift wrote: “Kevin I’m so sorry but I won’t be able to make it to your prom. But I was wondering, the ACM Awards are coming up. Would you be my date?”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 27th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Chris Brown slurs Christal Spann before stealing her phone?

TEAM BREEZY may be willing to defend Chris Brown against almost anything, but surely the rest of the known universe is getting tired of him already? First he beat Rihanna up, then he released a load of dreadful RnB, then he played the victim because everyone wanted to bring the whole domestic violence thing up and then, astonishingly, he won a Grammy and started collaborating with Rihanna again using the wifebeater thing as a promotional backdrop and got involved in a row with a WWE wrestler.

And now, because he still seems to be an angry dimwit, he’s allegedly stolen someone’s phone and called them a bitch.

Yessir, according to reports, Brown has gone mental at a lady called Christal Spann. Apparently, the singer stole Spann’s phone outside a nightclub in Miami.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 24th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)

WWE Wrestler versus Chris Brown – The Rihanna Smack Down

WHEN men hear about a woman getting beaten up by their spouse, it isn’t uncommon for them to say things like ‘violence is wrong’, before outwardly wishing to beat the living hell out of the man that did it. This is the world we live in. Violence is bad and should be met with, well, violence.

However, it is unusual for two celebrities to have violence foreplay. And that’s exactly what is happening with WWE wrestler CM Punk and he’s challenging Chris Brown for beating Rihanna up. In CM Punk’s world, women are to be “revered”, unless you count the dolly bird wrestlers who frequently WWE.

Either way, CM Punk has challenged Brown and wants to make him feel “weak” and defenceless, just like Rihanna presumably did when Breezy was repeatedly punching her on the way to the Grammies 3 years ago.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 23rd, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Britney Spears to lose her bap on X Factor panel?

JUST when Simon Cowell had got rid of one insane, glassy-eyed mentalist in the shape of Paula Abdul, he’s got another one making the drunken come-on eye at him. That’s right – Britney Spears thinks the best way to put all those troubles behind her, is to take on the job of judge on the X Factor, where you have to make people cry and perform like monkeys for you.

That’ll end well, won’t it?

Cowell needs to replace Abdul and fired Nicole Scherzinger and Britney is in the running along with Janet Jackson, Pink and Mariah Carey.

A friend of Spears said:

“She’s a huge fan of ‘The X Factor’ and thinks it’s the perfect time for her to be a judge. She wants to show her fans she is back to her best and where better to do that than on national TV every week?”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 23rd, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Chris Brown and Rihanna use domestic violence to further their careers

YOU may be disgusted and horrified at the fact Chris Brown assaulted Rihanna for a prolonged period 3 years ago, but that doesn’t mean anyone else does. In fact, the entertainment industry – as beleaguered as it is – is more than happy to use domestic violence as a way of selling records.

See, even though there’s still court orders in place on Brown to stop him from seeing Rihanna, that’s not stopped them musically collaborating.

Breezy appears on Rihanna’s ‘Birthday Cake’ remix and Ri returned the favour by appearing on a remix of his new track, ‘Turn Up the Music.’

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 21st, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Robert Pattinson quits Twilight franchise (Berlin photos)

TWEENS! Prepare to cry all the water out of your body. Why? Robert Pattinson – officially the dullest human on the face of this Earth – is not going to play Edward Cullen anymore in the Twilight films. Cut THAT into your arm with your Hello Kitty geometry set.

That’s right kiddies – if Stephenie Meyer writes more Twilight books and they’re made into movies, R Pattz won’t be involved.

Despite being roughly as charismatic as an old Vileda Supermop in a skip, Pattz isn’t daft enough to diss the franchise. Rather, he’s just thinking logistics. That’s because he’s so criminally boring.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 20th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

People want compensating for Whitney Houston’s death

WHEN Whitney Houston died, everyone was hit by it. The fans mourned. Pop fans were plain ol’ shocked. Everyone was annoyed that everyone was talking about her, suspicious that everyone was indulging in some grief tourism, suddenly Houston’s number one fan, now that she was dead.

However, there’s another group of people who feel particularly aggrieved by it all – those are the guests staying at the Beverly Hilton Hotel the day Whitney Houston died.

They say that their stay was a lesson in abject horror, made unbearable by the commotion that surrounded the singer’s death. Furthermore, they’re cheesed off because the hotel has done nothing to address their dissatisfaction. That’d be the dissatisfaction brought about by an unforeseeable, remarkable event.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 20th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)