Livestream of Whitney Houston’s star-studded Funeral irks fans

THE funeral of Whitney Houston will be streamed live on the internet for all to see. The basic premise is that people who wouldn’t normally get the chance to grieve at the funeral will be able to send their thoughts from afar. Quite simple really and an idea that is becoming more common.

However, some fans of late superstar are thoroughly unhappy that there will be a broadcast of the funeral, with some going as far as saying the whole thing is ‘vile’. The funeral will be taking place tomorrow (Feb 18th), and one fan tweeted about the ‘show’: “What is wrong with people? Why are they gonna broadcast Whitney Houston’s funeral on CNN? That should be private” while another added: “Who the hell would want to watch Whitney Houston’s funeral live on the internet? Vile and disgusting.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 17th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Rumer Willis now denying that Demi Moore is ‘fine’

SHE’S looked like a woman on the ropes for a while, so it wasn’t exactly a surprise when Demi Moore was taken to hospital. Everyone assumed it was a mixture of stress (in the exact same shape as Ashton Kutcher) and drugs (probably fancy celebrity drugs like cocaine and ground up griffin bones), but no-one ever suspected she’d be whisked off to A&E after taking laughing gas.

There was brief good news when Rumer Willis said that Demi was “on the road to recovery”. However, now, Rumer has denied ever making the comment.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 16th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Chris Brown says sorry to everyone by telling the whole world to ‘F*** Off!’

WHY is Chris Brown getting so beaten up by the press? It’s because he beat Rihanna up and it was gruesome. Of course, we’re sensitive people who are willing to give a second chance, provided there is a glimmer of remorse and learning in amongst the celebrity bravado.

And so, after his Grammy win, Breezy thought he’d tweet everyone this thoughtful, lovely message:

“HATE ALL U WANT BECUZ I GOT A GRAMMY Now! That’s the ultimate F**K OFF!”

Ah.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 15th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Justin Bieber sets up the jokes and no-one can see them through

OKAY. We all know the jokes that need to be made about Justin Bieber. He’s young, so we can make jokes about him being underdeveloped and not having his own fingerprints and the like. Good. He can joke that he’s evil and nefarious, thanks to him being successful and that every good-deed he does MUST have some sinister edge.

And so, Justin Bieber is currently setting up a series of appalling jokes we can make, yet, we can’t make a single one of them. Basically, you’re going to have to insert your own jokes when you hear this sound [BOINK]

It’s Valentine’s Day and guess what?! A six-year-old girl has got a date with Justin Bieber!

[BOINK]

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 14th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Whitney Houston had sedatives in her system and eyes turn to ‘secret son’ Nicholas Gordon

LIKE it or not, Whitney Houston wasn’t just any old celebrity. She was in the Jimi Hendrix/John Lennon/Marvin Gaye calibre of talent. Her voice, as an instrument, rivaled Coltrane or Keith Moon with what she could do with it, regardless of your tastes.

And like so many before, Whitney’s personal life got in the way of that gift and took her too early. And now, the circus of her death is the last hurrah of her tabloid being. The fullstop will surely come with an answer of how?, rather than why?

And preliminary autopsy results have revealed that sedatives were in the singer’s system. It has been claimed that prescription drugs including Lorazepam, Valium and Xanax were found in Whitney’s room and LA County Coroner Assistant Chief Ed Winter says the results of this preliminary test are likely to be made public this week and determine which of these drugs were in her system when she died.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 14th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Chris Brown’s beating of Rihanna, the day after he wins a Grammy

POP-CULTURE warps our view of people. Roman Polanski can rape a young girl, yet Hollywood defends him. R Kelly can be accused of all manner of depraved things, and he gets his name dragged through the mud. Charlie Sheen is mystifyingly held up as a folk-hero for the awful things he’s done.

And so, to Chris Brown who, three years after assaulting Rihanna at a pre-Grammy award party, returned to the scene of the crime and picked up a gong for Best R&B album. Not only has the industry chosen to forget about what he did, but so too, have a huge number of fans.

Some of Team Breezy have gone as far as saying they’d be happy to get punched by their idol, such is their unswerving support for him. Bizarre. However, the report on the beating itself makes the whole thing incredibly uncomfortable.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 13th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Madonna’s psychotic stalker escapes into the wild

MADONNA has timed her comeback to perfection. GaGa is readying new songs, Beyonce is being a mother and everyone is sick to death of Rihanna. Also timing a comeback well is Madge’s absolutely batshit mental stalker who has just escaped from a mental hospital!

Hurray!

Police are searching for Robert Dewey Hoskins and describe him as “a very psychotic man when not taking his medication and has very violent tendencies.”

Hoskins served a 10-year prison sentence after he was convicted of stalking and threatening Madonna. He scaled a parameter wall of Madonna’s house and said, if she didn’t marry him, he was going to slit her throat from “ear to ear”, which is absolutely the way to win a woman’s heart.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 10th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Adele talks about the curtain in her throat

ADELE is, like it or not, the biggest popstar on the planet. And yes, we intentionally left the door wide open for you to make your own jokes about that statement.

Anyway, Adele’s had a problem and its her throat. Again, make your own jokes. She developed a polyp on her vocal cord which, according to the gazillion selling singer, felt like “someone put a curtain over my throat.” She continued: “I could feel it. It felt like something popped in my throat.”

And so, she went off and “had laser surgery. [They] put lasers down your throat, cut off the polyp and kind of laser your hemorrhage back together and fix it.” Then, to mend herself, the really tricky part came – she had to shut the hell up for ages. As you know, Adele is a lass who likes to talks.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 9th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Lana Del Rey: living on hate and daddy’s hand-outs

HAVE you ever heard a cow giving birth? It’s a horrible, guttural, depressing noise. So to, is the appalling singing voice of Latest Hot Thang, Lana Del Rey, who has based her fledgling career on daddy’s paycheck, giant lips and making songs that take all their inspiration from 13 year old girl’s Tumblr blogs.

And yet, Del Rey has no idea why she has so many ‘haters’. Or, as they were once called ‘perfectly legitimate critics’.

This week, Lana saw Karl Lagerfeld piping up, saying: “Lana Del Rey is not bad at all. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants?”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 9th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Jay Z and Beyonce try to trademark their own daughter Blue Ivy

WHAT is the nicest thing your parents have ever done for you? Did they buy you that mountain bike you always asked for? Did they pay you through university, where you met your fiancee? Did they split-up?

Well, Jay Z and Beyonce have decided that they want to do the nice thing of officially trademarking their daughter, Blue Ivy. That’s right. They want her to be an equivalent of a Dyson vacuum cleaner, according to the Washington Post.

They made the application after learning that the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office had already turned down two applications to use the name ‘Blue Ivy’.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 8th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Ellen takes on Prop8 and One Million Moms

AMERICA has some funny ideas about gay people. For some reason, the Christian community has a surprisingly unhealthy interest about which orifice is receiving what. It appears that, if you like someone with the same genitals as you, you are programmed with a completely separate code of values. God forbid. Yes, that was intentional.

And so, with retail giant JC Penney snagging Ellen DeGeneres as their spokesperson, the lumbering religious decided to kick up a stink because, obviously, buying socks from a gay gives you immediate AIDS and injects you with Disco Stu’s entire iPod playlists.

The biggest complainants are One Million Moms who think that gays, frankly, shouldn’t be allowed to do anything. They’re calling for the retailer “to replace Ellen DeGeneres” on their website, and have launched a campaign against JC Penney for not remaining “neutral in the culture war.” Worse still, their business is going to get hurt because DeGeneres is a lesbian and “most of its customers are traditional families.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 8th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Karl Lagerfeld points out obvious by saying Adele is a bit ‘fat’

PEOPLE in the fashion industry are obsessed with image. That’s their job. So when Karl Lagerfeld, while guest editing for Metro Paris, took it upon himself to note that Adele is a bit fat, he probably knew that womenfolk would go mental at him for being so shallow.

Of course, a good number of those women spat feathers while doused in Chanel perfume and gazing at Chanel clobber in the various image-obsessed magazines they read… but still… DON’T CALL WOMEN FAT! EVEN IF THEY ARE A BIT FAT!

Karl was asked about Lana del Rey, because she’s exactly the kind of trout-gobbed gal that will be snapped up by a fashion house for a gig, later to be snatched by H&M for a ‘celebrity range’. He said:

“I prefer Adele and Florence Welch. But as a modern singer she is not bad. The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice. Lana del Rey is not bad at all. She looks very much like a modern-time singer. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? She’s not alone with implants.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 7th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)

Harry Potter hates the Lib Dems and wants to pay loads of tax

WE live in a world where we look to fictional wizards for political guidance, such is the rousing failure of our politicians to engage us all. And so, with baited breath, we look to Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe, who wants to talk about grown-up things.

What’s this?! It appears that Radcliffe has made a dramatic U-turn on his support for the Liberal Democrats! He thinks they’ve become “unviable” since leader Nick Clegg formed a coalition government with the Conservatives!

Talking to Attitude Magazine, the palest wizard of them all looked back on the year in politics, saying:

“Nick Clegg has become a whipping boy. He has been totally used by the Tories. Anything they don’t want badly reflected on them, they reflect on to him. It’s very unfortunate when you think how impressive he was in those pre-election debates. But he has made so many concessions”.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 6th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Lindsay Lohan wants to sue those who say she’s any kind of fun

WE’VE long lamented the fact that Lindsay Lohan isn’t the bug-eyed  jewel stealing party girl she once was and now, anyone who says she is in print is going to get sued by the former child-actress.

Various outlets noted that LiLo (the worst celebrity nickname in history) was knocking back the booze at the SAG Awards after party this weekend. That, of course, is a completely reasonable thing to do. Go to party. Get fall-down drunk.

However, Lohan isn’t having any of it and now she wants to sue! Suing, it seems, is the fallen celebrity’s replacement for the illicit fun they once enjoyed. Shame that. Legal action is so very, very dull, despite what American cinema has told you.

And now, a source close to the actress tells the TMZ ambulance chasers that Lindsay is already exploring her legal options with her attorneys because she feels that these stories are sabotaging her effort to revive her career. Please note that her career was doing just fine when she was a ‘wild-child’.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 2nd, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Did Angelina Jolie admit to cheating on Brad Pitt?!

SOME of you women would love ten minutes alone with Brad Pitt. He’s a real dreamboat isn’t he? One of those ‘real men’ ones that has a bit of facial hair and isn’t appallingly thin like an emaciated little girl. Oh! The things you’d do to him. He’d never want another woman, right?

Well, sadly for you, he’s dating Angelina Jolie and she’s invariably much better looking than you. In fact, she’s so good looking that she can allegedly cheat on Pitt and still have him as a beau. How gutting is that for you?

The astonishingly trustworthy source in this news-caper is the National Enquirer and they’ve run a story that sees Jolie ‘admitting’ to cheating on Pitt! Apparently, they had gone to a marital counseling session, but he stormed out after she confessed to hooking up with another man.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 2nd, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Authorities to release jolly 911 recording of Demi Moore

DESPITE  the fact it goes without saying, that Demi Moore was in a state of high distress when she called for the emergency services to come take her to hospital, that simply isn’t enough.

We want to know exactly how distressed she was. We need to hear a famous woman worried that she’s going to die, right?

And so, thankfully, the authorities are set to release a 911 call made from Demi Moore’s home earlier this week. We get to hear the panic brought on by seizures, alleged drug abuse and potential anorexia. It’s just the kind of thing we all need to pull us out of this post-Christmas slump.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 27th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (13)

Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale – Next stop, Splitsville!

EVERYONE kinda fancies Gwen Stefani don’t they? Even though she’s got a weird nose and makes pretty awful music. She’s definitely gone from annoying alt.rock gal to bona fide pin-up. Well, the sad thing for all onanists is that she’s been married with children and generally dropped off the radar, leaving us with people like Ke$ha instead, who is like a million nails on a blackboard, while chewing wool.

However, we might be seeing more of Gwen as, reportedly, she’s about to split up with derivative grunge bozo Gavin Rossdale!

After a decade-long marriage a source told Star magazine: “They have a roller coaster relationship, and right now it has flown off the tracks,” adding, “They’re fighting nonstop.”

So, what’s the cause of this scrapping? Is it something to do with Rossdale contributing nothing to the family coffers since the late ’90s? Apparently not. It’s his past AND Gwen’s success.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 26th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Lindsay Lohan: Sued Again By Woman With Fantastic Name – Nubia Del Carmen Preza

YESSIR! Lindsay Lohan is definitely back on form! After being in trouble with the law more times than every criminal in the history of our awful species put together, it seemed for a while like she was going to disappoint us all by straightening herself out.

However, trouble is never far away with our favourite car-wreck! And it’s cars that are the crux of her current problems.

Apparently, LiLo is getting sued by a woman who claims she was struck by the actress’ sports car, and she wants justice for her injuries! The fabulously monickered Nubia Del Carmen Preza claims she was hit by Lohan’s Maserati while walking through a West Hollywood intersection in September 2010.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 26th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Demi Moore goes to hospital to find cure for ‘exhaustion’ (or, if you prefer, ‘substance abuse’)

SINCE Demi Moore got with Ashton Kutcher, her life has been pretty rubbish. She’s leaked her boobs on Twitter and become increasingly thin while Kutch gallivanted around inside young women while Moore wasn’t looking. And so, she got herself a divorce and went to hospital.

That’s right! Reports are saying that Demi checked herself into hospital suffering from ‘exhaustion’ to “seek further professional assistance“.

However, some reports are skipping straight past ‘exhaustion’ and saying that she’s actually looking for help with her substance abuse. TMZ who are the loudest shouters about all this, are saying that it’s unclear what substance(s) are allegedly being abused.

Here’s hoping it is something really out-of-fashion like aerosols or super glue!

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 25th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Whitney Houston: Broke thanks to crack investment

IMAGINE how much money Whitney Houston has made in her lifetime. She’s been around since time began and had a string of gigantic hits as well as starring in some very successful films. You’d think that she has so much money, she’d never find the time to spend it all.

However, our Whitney decided to get addicted to crack cocaine and, astonishingly and impressively, she’s broke. All that money. Gone.

According to a number of reports the singer has spent all of her fortune, including a reported $100million record deal. How is that even possible?

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 25th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Vanessa Paradis and Johnny Depp split: Irritatingly cryptic

THE split between Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis has been something of a shock. No-one saw it coming. Most had forgotten they were married in the first place, thanks largely to the pair not being massive fame-slags like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and their three-thousand imported children.

Alas, the rumour-mill is certain they have gone their separate ways, presumably so Depp can go full-time and appear in every single Tim Burton film with Helena Bonham Carter until the end of time.

Until then, we’ve got some cryptic horsefeed to deal with. And Vanessa Paradis has stopped humming Joe Le Taxi long enough to say something so jarringly cod-clever that you might puke into your hand.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 24th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis, no more?

REJOICE! Well, rejoice through crocodile tears because, you people who have a fantasy about somehow getting Johnny Depp or Vanessa Paradis to fall in love with you, will have to pretend that the news of their potential split is really sad. You’ll have to say you really care about it all.

Meanwhile, you’re mentally punching the air and feeling ten shades of thrilled! Maybe this is your chance to allow your fantasy to become real.

Naturally, a pig like you could never land a superstar like that. They wouldn’t even let your face in the inner-sanctum of celebsville. Not that Depp and Paradis are fond of life behind the velvet rope.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 20th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Mark Wahlberg says sorry for his bizarre 9/11 comments

HEY! Marky Mark, aka, Mark Wahlberg, aka Really You Should Never Ever Speak Unless Scripted! How are you? Thing is, Wahlberg is currently trying to take all the feet in the world out of his mouth at the moment because he’s gone and said something off-centre about the 9/11 terrorist attacks and, as well you can imagine, no-one should ever do that because Americans are still really, really jumpy about all that.

He said in a rag:

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.'”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 19th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

George Lucas: quitting movie making to make Howard The Duck: Strikes Back

BEECHAWAWA! Have you heard that George Lucas is quitting the movie industry?! Kinda. Of course, many of you could well be pleased to see the back of him thanks to his endless tinkering with the Star Wars franchise. Last year, everyone lost their bap when he decided to make Darth Vader shout “Nooooo!” at the climax of Return of the Jedi.

Some people pretty much saw that as Lucas deliberately trying to destroy a childhood or a million.

And now, in an upcoming issue of The New York Times Magazine, you’ll discover that George Lucas has decided enough is enough and fully intends to retire from making big-budget feature films, including and especially any more Star Wars flicks.

“Why would I make any more,” he says, “when everybody yells at you all the time and says what a terrible person you are?”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 18th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Ashton Kutcher tries to punch thin-air as he swears to catch hacker

NOT the sharpest spoon in the drawer, Ashton Kutcher is having a rough few months. He’s shagged a young woman on the night of his wedding anniversary, which saw Demi Moore divorcing him and, not only that, he’s the lead in Two And A Half Men or, if you prefer, the worst thing that’s ever been on television.

But stupid is never deterred!

The Kutch is angrily hitting out at the hacker who broke into his twitter account and posted fake messages! Ashton sent out a chillingly stupid message saying that he’s found out where the hacker lives and he’s going after him!

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 17th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment