New Order To Reform Without Peter Hook

MADCHESTER, la la la. That’s the cry of a man who really ought to have a little trip to Dignitas for failing to move on with his life. His pink pallor, glowing in the summer sun poking from his knock-off parka, scuffed shell-toe Adidas worn well from waddling around Britain like a No Frills Ian Brown.

However, all is not lost for this sorry specimen because New Order are getting back together. Sadly, the man who houses him on a weekend at the derided ‘Factory 251’ club in Manchester – Peter Hook – hasn’t been invited.

Of course, New Order split for a second time in 2007 a couple of LPs, but now they’re going to play some Hookless shows as benefit for film producer Michael Shamberg, who has been rotten sick since 2005.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 5th, September 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)

Lindsay Lohan Gets Billy Joel Tattooed Under Her Boobs: Photos

LINDSAY LOHAN is good fun isn’t she? Mad punchy drunk diamond thief, occasionally doing a bit of acting work. What a great life she’s got. There’s pictures of her taking drugs with Paris Hilton (allegedly!) and she’s have sex with whatever gender she fancies.

She’s doing exactly what a famous person should.

And that includes… um… getting Billy Joel lyrics tattooed just under her boobies. That’s right! She’s got some words inked onto her ribs. They say:

“Clear as a crystal sharp as a knife, I feel like I’m in the prime of my life”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 2nd, September 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Ex-Hoff Gets Booted Out Of The Big Brother House, But Gets Her Revenge On Half The House

YES! We have a 100% accuracy with the whole Predicting Who Is Getting Voted Out Of The Big Brother House thing. You really should start putting money on our guesswork because we’re quite clearly brilliant/sad enough to take an interest in the show.

As predicted, Pamela Bachman Turner Overdrive Hasselhoff was voted off, leaving odious, foetid cockatiel Darryn Lyons in the house with his man-made 20 pack stomach. Seriously. It looks like a dinosaur’s back.

The Hoff’s ex-wife got seven nominations from her housemates who all uniformly thought she was a whining old bag with nothing good to say about anyone.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 2nd, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Ortis Deley Gets Fired From C4’s Athletics Coverage Thanks To This Online Video: World’s Worst Sports Presenter

UNSURPRISINGLY, Channel 4 have shown the door to poor old Ortis Deley after he made a terrible hash of his presenting gig during the coverage of the IAAF world athletics championships.

You may recognise Deley from some children’s TV, as well as Channel 5’s The Gadget Show. He bumbled and muttered his way through a series of gawdawful links, getting everyone’s name wrong and generally being more stilted than a hostage telling a tabloid he’s fine.

As such, Deley has been fired from the main presenter role which will now be taken by Rick Edwards. Ortis will stay on the roster but his role has been “scaled back”, potentially to ‘tea boy’.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 31st, August 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Mr Paparazzi And Ex-Mrs The Hoff Up For Big Brother Eviction Unsurprisingly

BRILLIANT. That’s what we are. That’s because we correctly predicted who would be voted out of the Celebrity Big Brother house over the weekend, seeing the terminally unpopular Sally Bercow getting sent back to the obscurity from whence she came.

Good riddance too. We don’t want political people polluting our perfectly good television sets. They’re all scum of the highest order, unable to string a sentence together without keeping one eye on a camera. And you thought proper celebrities were bad.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 30th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Lost’s Matthew Fox Punches A Bus Driver Right On Her Minge

REMEMBER Lost? That was a stupid, entirely pointless television programme wasn’t it? Random numbers, that fat fella with the corkscrew curls and a polar driving a tank or whatever it was. It was like wandering into a particularly confusing, tedious daydream.

Do you remember the hunkbag star of the show, Matthew Fox? The one who was also in Party Of Five (Dawson’s Creek for hipsters). He seemed like a nice enough bloke – that is until he was accused of punching a bus driver right on her mons pubis.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 30th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Big Brother Eviction Night! Who Is Going And Do You Even Care?

TONIGHT is eviction night in the Celebrity Big Brother house, which essentially means that some sleb-pleb will find out how high their stock is with the general public… or indeed, how low it is.

There’s a certain level of arrogance that is required for a celebrity to enter the Big Brother house. First of all, you have to believe that you’re famous enough to warrant a place next to such luminaries like Tara Reid and Paddy Doherty who is a gypsy who someone pointed a camera that didn’t belong to News At Ten.

And so, we’re faced with the first eviction and it’s a dog-fight between Kerry Katona and her prawn ring, Sally Bercow and her poshery and Bobby Sabel and his… er… face.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 26th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Chris Brown Might Have His Probation Revoked For Being A Lousy Neighbour

NEIGHBOURS. Everybody needs good neighbours, with a little understanding. However, when you live next door to Chris Brown, you probably won’t rate him that much.

Not only is he the purveyor of spectacularly dreadful music, but he’s also that guy who lamped Rihanna in the face with his bony hands until she bled all over the place. And now, because he’s still on probation for being a bit too ‘hands-on’, a judge would like to know whether he’s a good neighbour or not.

Sadly for Brown, there’s been complaints about him.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 26th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Celebrity Big Brother: The Cracks Start To Show With Bobby ‘Who?’ Sabel’s Rant Against Z Listers

WHO?! Bobby Sabel is a model, dufus. He’s paid to do little more than be a vacuous thing to occupy clothes while people take photos of him. Of course, he’s every right to slate others for being gits.

And that’s exactly what he did in a late-night whine about Amy Childs, Kerry Katona and Darryn Lyons while smoking tabs in the Big Brother garden.

Offering sagely advice to Lucious Landiplop, Sabel said:

“I think [Amy] will bleed you dry for everything you’re worth… She’d absolutely use you. She’d use you for the press.

“Don’t go there. You’re better than that. You’re smarter than that.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 23rd, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Troll Kid: The Best Thing To Emerge From Kim Kardashian’s Pointless Wedding

WE know that you don’t care a hoot about Kim Kardashian’s wedding to hoop bothering Kris Humphries. We know that you couldn’t care less about who made her dress, how much her ring cost and whether she had sodden tuna rolls at the reception buffet.

This is why we’re effectively ignoring it all in favour of showing you some cheeky kid who got on the news coverage of the wedding by pulling a variety of brilliantly puerile faces.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 23rd, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Beautiful Helen Mirren Doesn’t Like Ugly Young People Getting Plastic Surgery

EVERYONE fancies Helen Mirren. Even the gayest of gay men kinda fancy her. She’s just achingly beautiful, despite being older than three Mumm-Ras.

And so, when it comes to looks, you could be forgiven for thinking that she can bugger off when it comes to judging people because she’s been blessed with a very appealing face.

But that’s what she’s doing… and it’s still impossible to hate her. Basically, she can’t understand why young people have cosmetic surgery to alter their ”pure” beauty. In fact, she thinks its “horrific”, which isn’t emotive at all.

She says:

“The only thing I don’t like on young people is plastic surgery.

“The purity of youthful beauty is so fantastic to me that it’s horrific when young girls get fake things.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 18th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Gerard Depardieu Decides To Take A Wazz On A Flight, Which Is Understandable

WHAT would you do if you really needed to go to the toilet, but you found yourself stuck on a plane that wasn’t moving? You’d ask a steward/ess if you could go to the ‘rest room’ for ‘a rest’ wouldn’t you?

What happens if that flight attendant say “Non.”

Well, if you are called Gerard Depardieu, you’d flop your old chap out and take a long, drunken piss in the aisle of the plane. That’s exactly what you’d do because that’s precisely what has happened on an Air France flight.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 17th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (7)

Jedward Will Be In The Celebrity Big Brother House, Of Course

THERE is absolutely no surprise that John and Edward (or Jedward from now on because they really don’t deserve to have separate names really, given that, together, they equate to less than your average human being) have been strongly linked to Five’s Celebrity Big Brother 2011.

Basically, when you’ve no discernible skill, other than a constant source of wonder at the world, coupled with the ability to take the English language and mangle it into something curious and baffling, you’re always going to gravitate toward a show that essentially prolongs your career without having to do anything more than sit on a sofa, occasionally cook, have drunken quarrels, shag under kitchen tables and perform a vaguely humiliating tasks in a garden.

Essentially, it’s fresher’s week for celebrities.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 17th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Louis Walsh Called Simon Cowell A ‘Fool’: It’s Like Chosing Between Illnesses

TAKING sides is never easy. However, as humans, we’re preprogrammed to do exactly that. Whether it’s football teams or pooh-sticks floating down a river, we need to back someone because without competitiveness in our lives, we’re nothing.

However, what do we do when both sides are equally odious? Step forward, the catfight that is Louis Walsh and Simon Cowell. On one hand, we have a coal eyed, man boobular, high-waist banded snark; the other, we have a camp lunatic who has never once introduced his brain to his mouth (like a little Lenny Henry, you might say).

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 15th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Cher Lloyd Advises That X Factor Hopefuls Should ‘Get Out, Now!’

REASONABLE verse, terrible chorus. That’s the honest, non-emotive review of Cher Lloyd’s recent number one, ‘Swagger Jagger‘. See, someone needs to be emotionless about it because, for some inexplicable reason, everyone’s got apeshit over it, unable to do anything other than adore it endlessly, or berate it like it’s a mass murder.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 12th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Demi ‘Bruiser’ Lovato Talks About Punching A Dancer

ROLLER COASTER is a way of describing the past year that kids’ fave Demi Lovato has had. She’s dated a Jonas Brother (who cares which one? Seriously. They’re all grown in the same laboratory), split up with him, gone mad, self-harmed, gone into rehab, got an eating disorder, got diagnosed as bipolar and, most importantly, punched the crap out of one of her dancers.

Demi says:

“I was completely out of line all summer. Just the worst attitude – totally ungrateful.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 12th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Alec Baldwin To Challenge Kesley Grammer In Surreal Mayoral Race

AMERICA is stupid. Brilliantly stupid. They’ve got guns, burgers and robot teeth. They also have celebrities in positions of power. Ronald Reagan was president ferchrissakes!

And now, we’ve got a fabulously surreal mayoral race in the offing as Alec Baldwin could well be taking on Kelsey Grammer to become King of New York City!

Baldwin has insisted that he’ll run for Mayor of New York one day. He’s a native of Long Island and life-long liberal, and would be an excellent foe for Kelsey who is right of the wing.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 10th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Should Sesame Street’s Bert And Ernie Get Married?

SESAME STREET is one of the most forward thinking, progressive shows around. It’s featured civil rights speeches, tackled racism, people talking about their AIDS, poverty… and now, people are calling for it to feature a gay marriage.

And the likely candidates are Bert and Ernie, and there’s even a petition demanding it. They already share a bed and rubber ducky would make an excellent best man.

Anyway, the petition comes from Change.org who want the puppets to teach our children that same-sex marriage is okay. Which it isn’t of course. All marriages are stupid aren’t they? You’d have to be nuts to want to get the State involved in your love.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 10th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Outkast’s Big Boi Has His Viagra Swiped By The Cops

RAP is a very, very macho world. And so, the news that Outkast tunesmith Big Boi has been arrested in Miami for possession of drugs – including Viagra – won’t be good news for his cred.

Sniffer dogs and men in hats found him to be in possession of the cock drops, alongside the more impressive ecstasy tablets and MDMA powder.

He said of the arrest:

“Fresh out baby!!!! They said it was the love boat.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 8th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Marilyn Monroe Film Opens In New York, Reminding Us All That She Was Pretty Fit

PRETTY much everyone on Earth has lusted after Marilyn Monroe at some point. It’s actually become a law that you have to have sexual thoughts about her, even if you have absolutely no interest in the female form.

And now, we’ll get the chance to remember how attractive she was as a film about the late actress’s time in England in 1956 is to premiere at the New York Film Festival.

My Week With Marilyn tells the tale of a brief encounter between Monroe and a set assistant while she was filming The Prince and the Showgirl with Laurence Olivier. Monroe will be played by the also fancied Michelle Williams. Kenneth Branagh star as Olivier to keep our arousal in check.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 8th, August 2011 | In: Film | Comment

Kelly Osbourne Calls Christina Aguilera ‘Fat’ While Everyone Bites Knuckles

REMEMBER when Kelly Osbourne was some kind of (self proclaimed) voice for the disaffected kids of the world. Y’know, those kids who were a bit different or those that got bullied for being fat or ugly.

Well, now she’s calling Christina Aguilera ‘fat’.

It seems everyone has got it in for Xtina at the moment (Christ knows why. Surely people aren’t still irked by her fluffing of the American National Anthem at the Super Bowl?) with Joan Rivers noting that Aguilera looked “stuffed into” a little black dress… and now  Osbourne is throwing her *ahem* weight around.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 4th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Lady GaGa Is Going To Show You EVERYTHING In Her New Book (One Star One Cup)

THERE have been many comparisons between Lady GaGa and Madonna. No bad thing. Rock bands don’t mind being compared to rock’s great and good, so why should it be any different for pop stars?

Well, that’s maybe because pop is supposed to push the envelope hard whereas rock can idly sit around in its pants picking crisps out of its stomach rolls.

Either way, if Madge is losing it, GaGa is taking it. And while her camp pop has stormed pretty much every chart on Earth and her tours have managed to be bigger and weirder than anything Madonna took on the road, soon we’ll all have something else to compare them with.

A book.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 3rd, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Kim Kardashian’s 15 Year Old Sister To Make You Feel Like A Perv In Swimsuit Shoot (Kendall Jenner Photos)

LOOKING at people in states of undress is the most natural thing in the world. However, we feel kinda bad about it, which only adds to the illicit thrill.

However, you have to be careful. Y’see, ‘Ooh! Don’t they grow up fast these days!’ is a statement that can see you on a very undesirable list in the current, terrified climate where we’re convinced of a world filled with rampant trouser botherers and mucky sorts ferreted away in hedgerows.

So then, to Kim Kardashian’s younger sister who, while she may not own the curves of her older siblings, has undertaken a swimsuit photoshoot which is certain to make some of you have very confused feelings indeed.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 3rd, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Pamela Anderson And Charlie Sheen Linked To Big Brother: Full List Of Housemates So Far

BAYWATCH! Playboy! Boobies! And that sex tape, PETA with Tommy Lee. These are the things Pamela Anderson is famous for. Not much else, unless you happen to be a really big fan of Barb Wire. And why wouldn’t you be? It’s absolutely brilliant*.

However, something else she should be known for is the fact that, for nearly a decade, she’s been consistently linked with reality shows. Every single time there’s a Celebrity Big Brother, there she is, squarely in the rumours list of possible participants.

And now that (Channel) Five are bringing it back to us (thanks, you really shouldn’t have), Pammy’s name is there again.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 2nd, August 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Frasier To Go Into Politics, Which Sounds Funny, But Is Probably Quite Frightening

FRASIER! You remember that don’t you? Kelsey Grammer played a funny, but clearly useless man and got into all kinds of japes with his daft family. Well Grammer is looking at going into politics – but that doesn’t mean we should all titter and coo because he was funny on television.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 1st, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)