The Consumer Category
We bring you the chic and unique, the best and most bizarre shopping offers both online and offline. We offer you tips on where to buy, and some of the less mainstream and crazy, individual and offbeat items on the internet. Anything that can be bought and sold can be featured here. And we love showcasing the best and worst art and design.
Guy Ritchie And Naked Jude Law Create The Worst Perfume Advert Ever
GUY Ritchie and Jude Law have set about creating the world’s worst perfume advert. This is no easy challenge. Minding new levels of pretentious crap in a field rich is dire, self-aggrandising rot is the dream. But Richie and Law might have pulled it off.
They do it with a combination of a Sexy Beast rip off and a script ripped from the pages of a language school text book – “You know where I’ve been. I know where you’ve been. You know what I can do. I know what you can do.”
They know what you can do. We know what you can she . He/ She / It knows what you can do.
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Posted: 8th, September 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)
In Photos: Christian Dior ‘Racist’ Posters Star Kim Jong-Il (Can You find Him?)
THESE Christian Dior adverts feature a white-faced model stood before a sea of same-faced Chinese. Dior is opening a store in Shanghai and thought it a good idea to use posters featuring white women in top quality merchandise backed by identikit locals in plastic work wear. (And Kim Jong-il.)
The message seems clear: With Dior you drones can look like a Western women.
Photographer Quentin Shih’s pictures are spreading the Christian Dior dream. Some people call it racist. Says he:
“I wanted to show the power of Chinese people standing together and a kind of socialism in Chinese history (only in Chinese history not China now). The Chinese models are not people. They are symbols of Chinese history between the 1960s and 1980s.”
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Posted: 6th, September 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)
Power Balance For Imbalanced Celebrities Like Shaquille O’Neal (But Not Larry David)
WITH Power Balance you can finally toss away your red Kabbala string and set about your wrist a device “infused with healing and restorative powers”.
Shaquille O’Neal has one on his wrist. David Beckham has four – which makes him four times as powerful as Shaq. But only Shaq has provided a testimony we can experience. And, yes, this is the same Shaq who appeared in an episode of Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm – so it took us a few reads to realise that he might not be taking the piss:
“I don’t really do a lot of testimonials, but this really works! I came across Power Balance when someone did the test on me. That night, while playing for the Phoenix Suns, there were about three of my teammates with the product on and we won that game by 57 points! I kept feeling something when I wore the bracelet, so I kept wearing it. When I took it off I went back to normal. I’ve been wearing the bracelet ever since. I want to do everything to get the slightest advantage; wristbands, necklaces, t-shirts, band-aids, everything and anything we can get our hands on. I’m here to tell you it works!”
And it can work for you for just £29.99. The inventor of the silicon band – “Surgical Grade Silicone!” – with the hologram in the middle is Josh Rodarme. (He might have been wearing one when he invented the thing.)
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Posted: 3rd, September 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (8)
Plane Porn: Inside First Class On The Emirates A380 To Manchester
MORE plane porn now as we show you around the first class section of an Emirates Airbus A380 on the day it landed at Manchester Airport from Dubai for the first time.
The aircraft has 500 seats. But the first-class cabins are only for the Premier League footballers’ wives and girlfriends…
Inside the World’s Most Opulent Planes With Michelle Obama – A Gallery
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Posted: 1st, September 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)
Ryanair ‘Punishes Musicians’ As Cheshire Teen Takes Violin On Holiday
MISS Francesca Rijks, 12, of Macclesfield, Cheshire, was told by Ryanair that she’d have to buy a seat for her violin.
On a return trip from a family holiday in Dusseldorf, Ryanair cabin crew advised her to place the violin in the hold. She declined. What with the coldness and the air pressure the instrument might be damaged. If she wanted to take it on the plane it would cost her £190.
Francesca’s father Harmen Rijks, 49, says he was told by Ryanair that it was ok to take the instrument on the plane as hand luggage.
Says he:
“When we checked in, Francesca was carrying the violin on her back so they must have noticed it but they let us through. But when we got to the gates they refused to let us go. They said we could pay extra to put the violin in the hold…
“This was an absolute disgrace. Their policy appears to discriminate against violinists, the vast majority of whom simply can’t afford to purchase an additional seat.”
First they came for the violinists, an undervalued group.
Says Ryanair:
“Ryanair’s website, booking confirmation page and the e-mailed itinerary which is sent to every passenger is very clear in relation to the carriage of musical instruments and states that smaller musical items, such as a guitar, violin or viola which exceed our cabin baggage dimensions may be carried in the cabin but only if an extra seat has been purchased to accommodate the instrument…
“As all Ryanair employees are aware of our baggage policies, Ryanair is confident that at no time was this passenger advised that they could bring any piece of non-conforming carry-on luggage onto our aircraft.”
He’s right.
The girl later travelled on easyjet, with her violin onboard for no extra cost.
Ryanair are “feckers” who on recent flight from Malaga to Bournemouth offered your writer nor anyone on board no drink even though the plane had been delayed and we’d sat on the tarmac for hours. But in this case are they wrong?
David Abrahams, head of legal services at Incorporated Society of Musicians puts things in sober tones:
“These airlines are punishing musicians for being musicians.”
While you ponder the marvel of the teenaged girl who takes her school’s violin on holiday, here’s a song:
Posted: 1st, September 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment
Head & Shoulders Insure Troy Polamalu’s Hair For $1m
TROY Polamalu is a player with Pittsburgh Steelers with hair worth a million dollars. Troy’s bush is protected by Head & Shoulders.
If Troy got dandruff his helmet would like Heather Mills’ snow globe. So. Head & Shoulders has taken out a $1 million Lloyds of London policy against Troy’s hear being stolen, lost, kidnapped, going it alone or setting up as a Diana Ross tribute act…
Posted: 31st, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment
Unbranding Is The Ingenius Marketing Ploy To Keep D-listers Off Your Branded Goods
LOOK out for Mary Bale posing with a Gucci wallet and BHS blouse as the unbranding scam gathers momentum.
Simon Doonan spots that fashion houses and PRs are sending other companies’ goods out to celebrities they would not want to be associated with.
The celeb get loads of free stuff. And the exclusive fashion house gets relief as the low-rent star – say Snooki from MTV’s Jersey Shore or Kerry Katona, of the Daily Star – poses with a rival’s branded bag.
Of course, should the star actually buy their own bag, the cunning plan falls to bits…
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Posted: 26th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment
Fiona Phillips’ Face, Olay And Truth In Advertising
FIONA Phillips, the GMTV presenter, is the face of Oil of Olay, an “anti-ageing product”. She’s 49. Olay is a product that does wonders, says the advert:
Discover Regenerist’s most concentrated serum for dramatically firmer skin on the face, neck and décolletage, and experience younger-looking skin in a matter of weeks.
And it’s done wonders for Phillips, who before we saw her on the Olay ads looked lined and typical for her age. And that face is all nature’s work. As she said:
“I just don’t understand Botox and plastic surgery. I’d never ever do it.”
Fiona is not in pursuit superficiality of youth and beauty.
If there’s a situation where I didn’t get work because I look too old, sod it. I’m not going to change for any superficial TV exec. Anyway, it’s not a true reflection of life – everyone ages.
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Posted: 25th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment
Johnny Rotten’s Sex Pistols Perfume And Other Novelty Drinks
JOHNNY Rotten has brought his own perfume to the market. It’s Rotten smell for him and for her. It’s called “The Sex Pistols”.
It retails for £32.50 for 50ml, and is best dabbed on the scrotum (for him), or on a tampon (for her) and mixed with snot and butter to make a delicious cocktail.
Its makers at Etat Libre d’Orange says Rotten perfume wearers “must resist tradition and fight conformity”.
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Posted: 23rd, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)
Asterix The Gaul Shills For America’s McDonald’s
ASTERIX and Obelix are celebrating another win over the Romans by feasting on chicken gizzards and fries in a McDonalds’ eatery.
You can fight the imperial Roman armies, Asterix. But you can’t beat corporate America. That gourd of isotonic magic potion comes in a branded coldi-holder with oversized straw.
Asks Le Figaro:
“After resisting the Romans, have the Americans finally scalped the invincible little Gaul?”
You mean the little Gaul with his own theme park, lunch boxes, chess pieces, dishes and little plastic objects d’art made in China is in it for the cash?.
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Posted: 19th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment
Middle Class Families Turn To ASDA For Aid Relief
MUCH debate over news that middle-class families are to lose child benefits. It will “cost a typical family with two children more than £1,700 a year” (Mail).
But will it. Anorak has calculated that if you buy Asda own-brand wine and humus, and replace the labels with old ones from Waitrose, you can survive.
Says one grateful mum:
“Who would have thought that a place like Asda existed? Thanks Anorak.”
Some of these shops are open 24 hours a day. Anorak suggests waiting until 2am to go shopping.
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Posted: 18th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)
Inside the World’s Most Opulent Planes With Michelle Obama – A Gallery
MICHELLE Obama takes Air Force 2 to Spain to see if she alone can rescue the country’s economy and teach the locals about the American dream of prosperity and we wonder about the plane. Is it good enough for this modern Marie Antoinette?
We know that Michelle is selfless. When she flew to Copenhagen with Oprah Winfrey and Barack , she billed the trip to try and the Olympics for Chicago, she opined: “As much of a sacrifice as people say this is for me or Oprah or the President to come for these few days, so many of you in this room have been working for years to bring this bid home.”
It’s time Michelle got selfish and thought about herself for once. We’ve pulled together a gallery of jets more in keeping with her status:
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Adnan Khashoggi
Adnan Khashoggi made billions in the 1960s and 1970s by brokering arms deals between the USA and Saudi Arabia – and he was famed for his lavish lifestyle, owning planes, yachts and a dozen stretched limousines. The Saudi Arabian bought this DC-8 plane in 1982 for $31 million and splashed out a further $9 million to transform a run-of-the-mill airliner into a bespoke plane for the world’s richest man.
Posted: 18th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)
The Naked Mad Men Matchbox Barbie Doll Calendar
TO raise awareness for Matchbox (and some they might not want), students Breno Cosa and Guilherme Souza, of the The Brother Ad School of Buenos Aires, merged the tried-and-tested medium of undressed women and cars. They bought some plastic Barbie dolls, got them naked and used them to advertise Matchbox in a way Pirelli would approve of.
Next stop, Mad Men the stop motion picture, with Christine Hendricks as you’ve never seen her before.
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Posted: 18th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment
Ready For The BP Halloween Costume?
IN time for Halloween, the BP horror costume – an outfit of green overalls, dead wish and oil stains. News of this outfit comes to us via AOL, where the writer calls BP British Petroleum. Obama should like that, but the company is called BP. It employs 30,000 US workers.
And, in any case, although the lettering, logo and joke all suggest BP, the manufacturer of this stained overall say BP stands for Bad Planning.
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Posted: 17th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment
A Song For Sun4U Victims And Cheap Flights Survivors
IN light of the news travel firm Sun4U has collapsed – leaving approximately 1,200 customers with the compulsory gift of an extended holiday overseas – we bring you a song on free flights.
Fascinating Aida are preparing for boarders…
The feckin’, feckin’ gobsites – words are NSFW…
Posted: 13th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment
Lucky Merseyside Woman Banned From All Sainsbury’s
LUCKY Christine Turton, of Crosby, Merseyside, has been banned from every Sainsbury’s in the UK for using another person’s Nectar card to buy groceries.
Merseyside Police had arrested her on suspicion of fraud. But she was released without charge. The supermarket’s ban. however, remains in force.
Anorak thinks that since she is banned, she should not have to endure those Jamie Oliver adverts and with them the temptation to go shopping in ‘Saynsbwiez’ for sausages, hummus and all manner of pre-packed sugary delights that taste much better than homemade things made without additives.
The adverts should be banned under the Human Rights Act.
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Posted: 12th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (15)
After Your Denny’s Fried Cheese Melt How About Some Deep-Fried Cheesecake?
BEFORE the video of how to make deep-fried cheesecake, a look at Denny’s new eats – a “fried cheese melt”.
For $4, you get “four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread. It is served with French fries and a side of marinara sauce.”
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Posted: 12th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (7)
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s Incredible Photos Are Robot Porn
ROSIE Huntington-Whiteley is taking over form Megan fox as the object of teenage boys’ adolescent daydreams as the Tansformers’ films love interest. She is also the face of Burberry, and the backside, bra, bosom and thighs of Victoria’s Secret, The Plymouth-born lovely is the face of the Incredible bra, a bra so incredible that you can’t take you eyes off it no matter how much buttock Rosie shows you. Try it. It’s as if the bra follow you around the room…
Spotter: Stylebrity
Posted: 12th, August 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment
Jedward Work As Foamy Gnome Ballast: Pictures
JEDWARD, the epitome of Simon Cowell’s gift to music and NOT mephedrone freaks have been launching the Rowntree’s Randoms ‘Foamy Gnome on the Roam’ tour, in Richmond Park. The Foamy Gnome has left his flatmates, Jedward, behind and is off on a random adventure in his giant hot air balloon. Is this the future for Jedward: ballast? The only way is down. Stay tuned…
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Posted: 12th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)
Property Porn Pictures: A Look Inside London’s £140m Flat At One Hyde Park
PROPERTY porn time, readers, as we take you inside the world’s most expensive flat, a £140m property on the Knightsbridge side of London’s Hyde Park (dyslexic readers may read Hype Park).
The compact and bijou residence is a unit on Christian and Nick Candy’s latest development, One Hyde Park.
For just over £6,000 per square foot, the two-floor apartment has four bedrooms, a tunnel connecting you to the neighbouring Mandarin Oriental Hotel, floor-to-ceiling windows, a McLaren dealership downstairs, SAS-trained security guards (not in the SAS but trained by the SAS – so not that impressive), bullet-proof windows, an air purifier to combat poison gas attacks and the passing bus emissions, a panic room to feed your persecution complex, and shiny bell on the front door.
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Posted: 11th, August 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comments (5)
The Sexy C-String For Your ‘Sexy Area’ – A Video
“THE Sexy C-String For Your Sexy Area” can be worn under “skirts, dresses etcetera”…
Your present-a is vewy interwested in fings. Next stop for her, readin’ der whevver on channall fyve in her C-string…
Small, medium or large? Or all three at once?
C is for ‘Comfi’, as in Anorak’s ownbrand of trousers, the Comfi-Slax.
The Other Products You Missed:
Posted: 4th, August 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment
Marks & Spencer’s Plus Fit Range For Fat Kids Is Typo Of The Year
MARKS & Spencer’s is offering for sale a uniform for the fat. They’ve beaten Gerry Cottle to it.
M&S is selling school blazers for obese three-year-olds and school uniforms in a size 18.
Says one shopper:
“I’ve been waiting for his my whole adult life, as has the entire pervert community. We’ve been demanding uniforms for big women and now, finally, M& S has brought them to market. The difficulty in finding uniforms to fit big-boned wives is well documented in our newsletter, TOSS (The Onanist Society Syndicate).
“Here’s to fat nurses, fat nuns and massively chunky cowgirls”
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Posted: 26th, July 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment
Lucozade Linked To Hyperacticity: Pushy Parents Rush To Buy Stocks
HAPPY days for mums and dads looking to make their sons the next Wayne Rooney – the makers of Lucozade and Irn-Bru tells parents that the drinks may cause hyperactivity.
It’s no guarantee – but fingers crossed that without enough Lucozade and Irn Bru in his diet by the time Armani takes to the pitch he’ll be so charged up and off his face he’ll make our Wayne look as docile as, well Wayne Rooney at the World Cup.
Warning: Lucozade does not work on everyone – a fact illustrated by Alan Shearer who despite endorsing the drink looks to be barely alive when talking in a TV capacity while seated.
A newly introduced EU law enforces Lucozade and Irn Bru to carry “warnings” (surely a promise? – ed) that the drinks can cause young children to go bonkers, running about and screaming obscenities.
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Posted: 25th, July 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment
Subtle Butt Is Your Personal Fart Neutralizer, With Video
YOU’VE experienced the wonder of “The Fart-Eating Blanket For A Better Marriage”. Now thrill to the Subtle Butt a filtering system for your anal emissions.
Says the blurb:
“Subtle Butt” is a piece of fabric that has undergone activated carbon anti-microbial treatment. When inserted into underwear, these small pieces promise to absorb and neutralize gas and odors before they escape from your clothing and, well, escape into the surroundings. Result? Your intestinal distress is only for you to know.
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Posted: 22nd, July 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (4)
Elvis Presley’s Autopsy Is For Sale: Pictures
THANKS to the good people at Leslie Hindman Auctioneers, you can buy some of the instruments used on Elvis Presley autopsy. It being what the King would have wanted. On August 12, 2010 – “just four days before the anniversary of the entertainer’s death” – you can buy some Memphis memorabilia.
All of the items used in the autopsy and funeral preparations will be offered at auction, including: rubber gloves, forceps, lip brushes, comb and eye liner, needle injectors, an arterial tube and aneurysm hooks. According to the owner, the items were used only once.
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Posted: 21st, July 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)
