The Consumer Category
We bring you the chic and unique, the best and most bizarre shopping offers both online and offline. We offer you tips on where to buy, and some of the less mainstream and crazy, individual and offbeat items on the internet. Anything that can be bought and sold can be featured here. And we love showcasing the best and worst art and design.
Real meals: Will Self eats fast food like a middle class writer would
WILL Self has penned an article in The Times about “Real Meals” – “the ready meals, buffet snacks and — most importantly — fast food that Britons chomp upon in the go-round of their often hurried and dyspeptic lives.”
Can it be the antidote to Alex James’s posh boy take on the fast food industry?
McDonald’s:
It occurred to me that the whole McDonald’s experience had been enriched by our awareness of healthy eating, becoming a communal exercise in chomping through false consciousness. It made me suspect that the entire McLibel business, Fast Food Nation and Super Size Me had been secretly funded by the corporation to impart the pleasing flavour of guilt to its comestibles.
But what — I hear you cry — did your succulent juicy beef, your Emmental cheese and your toasted, stone-baked ciabatta actually taste like? To which I can only reply: the same old shit.
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Posted: 9th, February 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)
Sweden sells cardboard box duvets and pavement linen
PEOPLE who want to sleep in linen designed to look like cardboard boxes and pavement can head to Stockholm’s NK store. From £75 you can make your bed look uncomfortable. Anorak’s suggest knitting sheets from carrier bags and relocating your bed to the oven or bathroom. Our advice: free.
Anyhow, in the dust of a rap idea, a vested interest group has found cause to be offended. Yvonne Borg, a spokesperson for Stockholm Stadsmissionen – which aims to help homeless people in the city – says:
“Those who give money to the homeless, they get a good feeling in their body. But to lie down in these sheets. I don’t think that feeling is particularly pleasant.”
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Posted: 7th, February 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment
Photos of the day – bad branding tattoos
EVER feel inspired by a brand to such a degree that you wanted to wear its logo as a tattoo on your body or face? They did…
Posted: 6th, February 2012 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment (1)
Did Toyota trick its customers? Is Volvo worse?
THE Sunday Times has a story on how a mechanic woking on a Toyota Yaris found a fault that the customer had not noticed.
The technician, who worked for a large dealership in the south of England, decided to replace the entire steering column and made a £500 order for the parts he needed. Within an hour, his manager marched into the workshop angrily demanding an explanation. “All hell let loose,” the technician recalls. “He told me Toyota would never agree to the repair . . . without the customer complaining.”
The technician stood his ground. “I went off my head at him. I just said that it was a load of horse s**t. The customer deserved better,” he says.
The Times says that Toyota’s warranty policy and procedures manual, “a secret document seen only by dealers”, states that “the warranty should address only those issues raised directly by a customer”, unless they are a direct risk to safety or reliability.
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Posted: 5th, February 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)
Qataris make Paul Cézanne’s The Card Players world’s most expensive artwork
WE do now know the names of the two men in the painting The Card Players by Paul Cézanne. If their descendants can be identified, they could be due a windfall on account of the artist failing to present the men with a contract stipulating royalty shares and image rights.
(Call 0800 LAWYERS-4-ART now! If your relative has been used in a classic work of art you could be in for a BIG payout. Call NOW!)
The work has been sold at auction for $250 million (£160 million). It is the world’s most expensive work of art. The ruling al-Thani family of Qatar bought the panting from George Embiricos, a Greek shipping magnate.
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Posted: 4th, February 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)
Demi Moore and the heroin spoon
DEMI Moore may have read the story of Elinor Zuke, who attempted to buy a packet of teaspoons at the self-service checkout at Sainsbury’s, West Green, Crawley, West Sussex.
A shop worker told Zuke, who happens to work for The Grocer magazine, that to buy the spoons she would need to present photo identification.
Why? Well: “It was because of the risk they could be used for drugs — heroin users ‘cook up’ the drug in teaspoons.”
A photo id would ensure that the spoons would not be used to cook up smack. (Note: ensure photo id not covered in baking powder or sherbet dibdab).
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Posted: 3rd, February 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment
German museum invites men to urinate into women’s mouths
TO Lüchow, Germany, where two urinals in the men’s toilet of a museum dedicated to the Rolling Stones are upsetting the women. Those Rolling Stone ceramic lips, designed by Dutch artist Meike van Schijndel, have no tongues.
Roda Armbruster is quoted in Der Spiegel:
“That’s discrimination against women. Why does it have to be a woman’s mouth? If it had been based on the emblem of the Stones with the tongue, it would have been OK. But the tongue’s been left out and they really looks like women’s mouths.”
No tongues in the men’s urinal. Just a big gaping mouth to urinate into. If Kim Kardashian did toilets…
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Posted: 2nd, February 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comments (6)
Prado museum finds another Mona Lisa
IS this an early copy of the Mona Lisa? It’s been found at Madrid’s Prado Museum. The Prado’s experts have cleaned it up and now say the portrait was made at the same time as Leonardo da Vinci produced his masterpiece. It was made in the same room. You cannot argue with the experts who declare that there are now two Mona Lisas.
That tiny portrait in the Louvre, the one surrounded by rope and rows of people with cameras, is cracked and dirty. The one at the Prado is as clean as the day it was made.
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Posted: 1st, February 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)
Tumblr of The Day: Garfield Minus Garfield
TUMBLR site of the Day is Garfield Minus Garfield – “a site dedicated to removing Garfield from the Garfield comic strips in order to reveal the existential angst of a certain young Mr. Jon Arbuckle. It is a journey deep into the mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness and depression in a quiet American suburb”. So Jim Davis says.
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Posted: 1st, February 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment
Miss Piggy For MAC – look like a porcine Muppet with new cosmetic range
WHO wants to look like Miss Piggy?
To celebrate the supremely talented Miss Piggy’s return to the silver screen, she & M•A•C have created a limited edition, online exclusive collection for Eyes featuring Miss Piggy Pink Eye Shadow, Penultimate Eye Liner in Rapidblack & 36 Lash.
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Posted: 1st, February 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment
The Japanese mouth trainer – as seen on Jessica Simpson
WHAT’s this, then?
Posted: 1st, February 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comments (16)
Sex shop opens side door away from mocking pub drinkers
THE Private sex shop in Apsley, Hertfordshire, has, reptedly, moved its door fruther away from the nearby The Bull pub.
Landlady Nicola Green, 47, explains:
“As soon as you open that door [to porn shop] it goes ‘ding!’ When that bell goes people in here cheer, so the shop moved the entrance round the side.Most of our customers are builders and you know what they are like.”
Perverts? Daily Star readers? Polish? Latin students? What are builders like?
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Posted: 30th, January 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)
Alan Cumming’s Cumming is the perfume with a kick
GOOD news for those of who crazing a glug of Alan Cumming’s perfume – Cumming – a vial of the elixir has been put up for auction on eBay:
Cumming is the first and, for now, the only fragrance by the famous actor AlanaCumming. The fragrance is the creation of the famous nose, who stands behind Demeter perfume and has his own line now – CB I hate perfume, Christopher Brosius. This fragrance is classic, just like recognizable and strong classic perfumes from the past, but at the same time sassy and modern. Alan Cummingclaims:” The longer you wear it and the more you sweat, Cumming gets deeper and sexier”. Description of the fragrance on its official site starts from bottom to top of the composition; base notes are leather, peat fire, highland mud, burned rubber and white truffle, sensual and worm like a wool blanket. Heart notes are sharp and tempting with cigar, heather, fir and rubber. Top notes complete the fragrance with fresh spiced notes of bergamot, black pepper, pine and whiskey. The perfume was launched in 2004.
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Posted: 30th, January 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment
The Ferris Bueller sequel is a Honda ad
GNPHGH! The sequel to Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is actually an advert for Honda starring Matthew Broderick as himself.
Forget making the Ferris Bueller sequel, Hollywood. Honda nailed it. It would be a horrible sell out. It’s better used to sell cars – which it does very well:
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Posted: 30th, January 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment
Star Tips are here to help your life swing
STAR Tips are NOW! magazines way of saving YOU! money and helping you to look GREAT! Of course, you could just cut back on buying glossy magazine – but DON’T! If you do you will not learn, for instance, that a sanitary towel pinned on the side of your knickers, gives you instant curves”. AND that is not all. Cushioned bras CAN be used as KNEEPADS! Now read on…
Posted: 29th, January 2012 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comments (3)
American Express offers card members trip on Costa Concordia
CAN American Express outdo the newspapers and Google with their Costa Concordia promotion? Seventeen bodies have been found so far on the Italian ship that ran aground. The blurb for the American Express Costa Concordia Experience – a $749 tour of Spin, Italy and France – runs:
“When you choose Costa Cruises, you don’t just see Europe — you live it. From authentic cuisine and beverages to dazzling decor and exhilarating celebrations, it’s easy to fall in love with the rich cultural heritage that inspires ‘Cruising Italian Style’. On an Eastern or Western Mediterranean vacation, you cruise through thousands of years of history, pampered with posh resort amenities in a floating environment of art and beauty. You’ll visit picturesque harbours, ancient ruins, busy markets and bustling boutiques — destinations that won Costa Cruises the Porthole Cruise Magazine Reader’s Choice Award for ‘Best Mediterranean Itineraries. On board you can relax in the dazzling casino, romantic piano bar, internet cafe or on a dance floor. Dine amidst Roman pillars and Italian marble in the main restaurant, savour a gourmet spa menu, or visit a cosy bistro for authentic pizza, gelato and cappuccino. Take time for a state of the art Technogym workout, a private golf lesson, pick-up water polo or bocce ball. Indulge in a Turkish or Roman steam bath. Or just linger on a spacious teak sun deck and savour la dolce vita. You can meet fascinating global travellers and dedicated staff with distinctively Continental perspectives. Barriers can dissolve in the high jinks of theme nights on board — tarantella dancing, ice carving or a Roman Toga party. As a member of the World’s Leading Cruise Lines, Costa Cruises offers a luxury cruise experience to cherish.”
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Posted: 28th, January 2012 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment
A Roman brothel token for London
IS this a “brothel token”, as used by Romans and those who accepted their coinage in 1st century AD London? The Museum of London explains:
Caroline McDonald, Museum of London Curator, said: “This is the perfect archaeological object. It’s sexy and provocative in the best sense of the word. The lot of a Roman sex slave was not a happy one and objects like this can help the Museum of London provoke debates about issues that are relevant to the modern city and its visitors. Museums should engage with these more grown-up and sometimes less comfortable topics…”
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Posted: 27th, January 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment
Joy Division inspire new Disneyland Oblivion scare ride
DID anyone buy a Mickey Mouse T-shirt inspired by Joy Division? It’s the item with the artwork inspired by HJoy Division’s Unknown Pleasures.
Either Mickey is growing up, approaching a tricky adolescence or just musing on news scare ride:
It’s getting faster, moving faster now,
it’s getting out of hand
On the tenth floor, down the backstairs
into no-man’s land
Lights are flashing,
cars are crashing,
getting frequent now
I’ve got the spirit, lose the feeling, let it
out somehow
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Posted: 27th, January 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)
The Fleshlight ipad holder lets you have sex with your apple gadget
PSST! Who wants to actually have sex with your apple product? You want to shag your ipad, don’t you. You do. And your iPhone and iPod. You want to have sex with your trophy gadget. Well, with the Fleshlight iPad holder, you can…
PS – You won’t see the iPad strap-on because apple has already shagged you senseless…
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Posted: 26th, January 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment
Trim Stacey Irvine is the girl addicted to McDonald’s nuggets – sometimes
STACEY Irvine might be a spokesman for McDonald’s. The 17-year-old is the subject of the Sun story:
15 years on nothing but chicken nuggets – Docs warn Stacey’s fast food diet will kill her
Stacey Irvine has “eaten practically nothing else since the age of TWO“.
Over in the Daily Mail, this story becomes:
Hooked on chicken nuggets: Girl, 17, who has eaten nothing else since age TWO rushed to hospital after collapsing
Back in the Sun, we get:
Horrified doctors learned of the teenager’s chronic 15-year addiction after she collapsed and was rushed to hospital struggling to breathe. Factory worker Stacey, who has never touched greens or fruit, was found to have anaemia and swollen veins in her tongue.
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Posted: 26th, January 2012 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comments (2)
LA Fitness shamed by twitter campaign – cancels jobless pregnant woman’s contract
LA Fitness has backed down. It took a twitter campaign and the Guardian article to shame the gym into doing the decent thing and cancel a woman’s £360 contract.
The December 2011 letter from an Essex gym rat named Hannah went:
My husband and I have been loyal customers of gym chain LA Fitness for six years. I am seven months pregnant, we are moving 12 miles away from the gym and don’t drive. My husband has lost his job and we are now on benefits. We can barely feed our children right now and can’t afford the two-year contract.
Despite us sending LA Fitness a letter proving my husband has been let go from his job, his employer didn’t use the word “redundant” in the letter, so LA Fitness will not accept it as a valid reason to terminate the contract. I have been told that being pregnant entitles me only to temporarily freeze my membership. Moving away does not apply, as we need to be 20 miles from the nearest gym to cancel. We just cannot pay. HB, Billericay, Essex
Posted: 24th, January 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)
The Adult Video News Expo 2012 – in photos
BEFORE the Adult Video News Awards bestowed honour on the porn industry’s best and brightest talent, there was the Adult Video Expo, in which consumers get to interact with adult film stars in Las Vegas. Porn has gone mainstream. Look out for porn Anyman Ron Jeremy signing his book for Jean Austin of Canoga Park, Calif. Those Californians revere their porn stars, who, thanks to the interest and user-generated content, can be their rivals…
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Posted: 24th, January 2012 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment
Demure Milf banned from every Worcester nightclub
WORCESTER’S First Lady Lisa Woodman, 28, says her Saturday nights begin in Lloyds bar in Broad Street before moving on to Mode, Tramps, or Velvet, three clubs named after branded toilet tissues. Well, she used to. Mum-of-four Lisa Woodman says she’s been banned from the clubs because of her ladylike attire.
She tips her bonnet and asks:
“What’s wrong with what I wear I’m not hurting anyone am I? I am covering everything, and I just want to have a good time. We [she’s with her sister Sarah Woodman] never cause any trouble and we’ve never been rude to the bouncers… I just want to be treated with a bit of respect.”
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Posted: 24th, January 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comments (11)
Strip Club launches perfumes for its lying cheating customers
PSST! Want to smell like a priapic liar who needs to get sexually aroused by strangers stripping for money before being possessed of the necessary vim to head home to shag your lover? Well, if you do, Alibi perfumes for men (and women – birds love lap-dancing clubs – see all tabloid newspapers) are for you!
With Alibi you can negate the smell of desperation of easy-wipe seating with the scent of an office or car. When your wife ask you where you’ve been, you can shove your wrists into her face watch as she inhales the fumes of My Car Broke Down and paint yourself as the victim.
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Posted: 23rd, January 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment
Man arrested for selling Saddam Hussein’s bum
NIGEL Ely, Spud to those who know him best, is the former SASA soldier working in Iraq back in 2003 when he ‘pinched‘ Saddam Hussein’s buttocks. No, not pinched it, as it goosed the despots, bum – he’d had to have circumnavigated George Galloway’s nose for that. No, Nigel ‘Spud’ Ely actually took Saddam Hussein’s buttock.
Ely, who lives in Herefordshire, says the a 2ft lump of bronze chunk of arse is his. Oh, yes, the bum is from a statue of the great 99 per cent-er (see Iraq voting records). Ely, allegedly, wanted to sell it and was aided by a 66-year-old man who has now been arrested for “breaching the 2003 Iraq Sanctions Order, which governs the importation of ‘Iraqi cultural property’ – including items of archaeological, historical or religious importance.”
Arse!, as Ely might well say of the bronze he says is worth…£250,000!
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Posted: 20th, January 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment
