County Durham Mayor Banned From All Pubs for Rowing Over Correct Way To Pour A Shandy

TONY Cooke, mayor of Barnard Castle, County Durham, is duly banned from 30 pubs and clubs for 12 months. His offence is to have rowed with Andy and Sue Hill, proprietors of the Beaconsfield pub in Barnard Castle over the correct was pour a pint of shandy.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, July 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Newspaper Headlines – The Greatest Ever (Funny, Weird And Filthy)

LIKE you, Anorak loves newspapers. The world wide web is terrific, too, but Google, Bing, Twitter, Facebook and the like have forced writers to adapt language to fit the technology. The pun carries little weight with search engines and robots hunting for key words to place the story in a category. This is lamentable. One day, when newspapers have died out, a part of the English language will have gone with it.

One key thing when writing is to try an inject wit in what you do.  Newspapers are in the business of entertaining their readers. And everyone loves a joke.

We’ve compiled a gallery of some of our favourite newspaper headlines. There are lots – but each one will raise a smile – whether it be the Sun’s simple tribute to Jeremy Beadle (“Beadles’ Not About”); the accidental Express asking “Can Dec anally match Ant?”; the New York Post’s prosaic “Not So Fast You Greedy Bastards”; the Daily Record’s poetic “I kicked burning terrorist so hard in balls I tore tendon in my foot”; and the simple, ugly, brutal and jingoistic “GOTCHA”.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, July 2011 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment

Men Who Give Up On Getting Girlfriends Do Product Reviews: The Cheez-It Challenge

MEN. MEN!!!! MEN!!!!!!! ?? You do not need women. You do not need anyone. You just need to look at the things in your life in detail. Put down that XBox. Step away from the porn. Leave the pants on for another day. You have work to do. It’s the Cheez-It review. Pay attention. There will be questions: (Thrillz begin at 4:15 mins).

Anorak

Posted: 7th, July 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Roland Bunce Wins Modelling Contest

ROLAND Bunce is the winner of high street fashion outlet Next’s search for a model. He is the Next Model. Roland Bunce, 24, from Belfast, scooped 66,000 FAcebook Likes – the chap in second place scored 89 votes.

The winner gets £2,000 Next vouchers, a photoshoot and an introduction to a modelling agency.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, July 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)

TSA Approves Vibrators less Than A Foot Long For Plane Travel

NEWS is that the TSA – the official gropers of the US entry system – says that vibrators, and other sexual aides are fit for travel. The San Francisco Chronicle records the ruling thus:

“The Transportation Safety Administration, whose job it is to consider fully such matters, has decreed that vibrators are OK. The TSA says whips, chains, leashes, restraints and manacles are OK, too.

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, July 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Earr Gets Hand Trapped In Gas Tank Hunting For Snickers

TO Wisconsin, where Earr Stokes of Fond du Lac has got his hand stuck in the car’s petrol tank in the act of trying to retrieve a Snickers chocolate bar. His cousin, Tyrone Williams, narrates:

“He so happened to look in the gas tank. There was chocolate in there. [Stokes] tried to get it out. He started picking it out with his hand and his hand got stuck. It was just chocolate. Chocolate and peanuts. He’s hurting.”

Anorak

Posted: 30th, June 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)

That’s Vaginal Vagina Is Astrounding (Video)

THE Vagina is good… No… Astounding… It’s vaginal. This is a viral marketing campaign from The Richards Group ad agency on behalf of their client Summer’s Eve, makers of vaginal cleaners. It is utterly awful. And that makes it entertaining. The only thing that could rescue this bad ad is if a chap who works for a toilet paper firm rocked up and used the cat to wipe his bum…

Anorak

Posted: 25th, June 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)

Paris Fashion Week Is Gayer Than Gay Paree Has Ever Known: Photos

PARIS Fashion week is here again, dear, dear, darling, dear, darling, deary deary darling readers. Anorak has been kissing air like a greenie dry humping a wind turbine. The shows have been great. Gay Paris has never been gayer. The pick of the bunch has been Bernhard Willhelms’ do at a Mercedes car dealership off the Champs Elysees. Witness the one-piece thong bathing suit. Walter Van Beirendonck’s “Bird Bird ensembles” were top-notch bush. And Givenchy’s skirts are what all the tough nuts will be wearing next year… Go on, dare you…

Anorak

Posted: 25th, June 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Blogger Jailed For Saying Restaurant’s Noodles Were Too Salty

MRS Liu has been jailed for telling the world and owners of  the Sichuan Flavour Beef Noodle Restaurant in Taichung, Taiwan, that the noodles there are too salty. She posted her review on the internet. The Taipei Times says Liu ate at the place in 2008. She said the place was infested with cockroaches. The eatery read the review and sued Liu for defamation. The matter came to the high court in Taichung. It ruled that Mrs Liu was fine to say the place had insects, it being a “narration of the facts“.

Anorak

Posted: 24th, June 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Unhappy Delta Airlines Customer Explains Why You Should Not Pack Urine In Your Bags (Video)

THE Unhappy Delta Airlines Customer will not explain why you should not pack your lap dog or urine samples in your bags…

Anorak

Posted: 24th, June 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)

Lurpak’s Hairy Biscuits Taste Like Hairy Mud

THIS is how you package  biscuits, Lurpak.

You will recall that residents at the Lawrence Court care home in Weymouth, Dorset, mistook Lurpak’s brown, biscuit-shaped grow-your-own herbs kits for food. Mr John Hobbs, 79, told us:

‘It was just as though I’d got a mouthful of grit, it was terrible. It was especially confusing because it was attached to food. You wouldn’t go into a garden centre and get a pot plant with a sandwich strapped underneath.”

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, June 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comment

State Of Vermont Says It’s Maple Syrup Takes Like Urine (Photo)

STATE of Vermont Syrup tastes like urine, says the State of Vermont. You can thank the skiers…

Anorak

Posted: 21st, June 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comment

New Cigarette Packet Warnings Make Fat Smokers’ Hair Fall Out: Photos

FROM September 2012, cigarette packets in the USA will feature newer, darker more mind-changing photos of people in states of despair, or dead. We’ve got a gallery of these new images for you to peruse. None will put you off smoking. Why? Because you’ve already brought the fags. But the subliminal message may outweigh the more direct approach. The man who gave up and man on the oxygen mask are both bald – each had a full head of thick chestnut hair when they started smoking…last week! The man on the slab with a zipper on his chest is fat. Yep, ciggies did NOT make him lose weight. The man with the hole in his enck and now smoke and eat at the same time!

Unless the bald men were ginger and we’ve got it all wrong..?

Anorak

Posted: 21st, June 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Disney Gone Bad – A Gallery Of Less Wholesome Images

DISNEY is not always good. Sometimes Disney is bad. We’ve compiled a gallery of images of Disney that are less than wholesome…Well, one image of Walt Disney is that of “an anti-Semitic Nazi sympathiser, union-basher and FBI informant — not to mention heavy drinker and smoker”. Others say he was misunderstood…

dodgy_disney_14

Image 1 of 15

Anorak

Posted: 17th, June 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comment

New Dog Breeds Created: The American English Coonhound Is Approved

FINALLY, the American Kennel Club has bowed to pressure and labelled that dog a American English Coonhound. It is “comparable to a well-conditioned athlete“. (Time to let dogs compete in the Olympics, then?)

Anorak

Posted: 9th, June 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)

The 13 Maddest Japanese Adverts Ever: Presented By Glass Armpits

THE Maddest Japanese adverts ever:

Armpits as smooth as glass:

Anorak

Posted: 7th, June 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Naomi Campbell Was Never The Milky Bar Kid: Cadbury’s Bliss Chocolate Regrets Racism

THE new advert for American chocolate company Cadbury compares Naomi Campbell to a bar of Dairy Milk Bliss chocolate. The bar contains “a smooth vanilla mousse“. It is brown on the outside and white on the inside.

The bar’s strapline says this mush of moulded fat and sugar is “the most pampered chocolate bar in the world.”

The poster advert commands: “Move over Naomi, there’s a new diva in town.”

Anorak

Posted: 30th, May 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)

Food Porn: A Gallery Of Sexy Foods

LIKE you we feel the sticky fingers of adolescence caress the mind’s eyes when out shopping. Sometimes all you can do it titter as you view the food porn – sexy foods in the supermarket:

dickmanns

Image 1 of 51

Anorak

Posted: 28th, May 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Imogen Thomas ‘Strips’ For Manchester United

HATS off to Imogen Thomas and Paddy Power for creating an advert in which the topless stunna linked to Ryan Giggs wears a Manchester United top alongside the command ” BLOW ME!”

The advert is intended to get you placing bets on the UEFA Champions League final at Wembley between Giggs’ United and Barcelona.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, May 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comments (3)

London’s Penguin Beach In Photos: Birds In The City

HAVE you seen the birds on London Zoo’s Penguin Beach? London Zoo staff, Evelyn Guyett (left) and Rowena Fisher, sat with Ricky a rock hopper penguin to promote the new attraction. Can birds sat on a beach in the middle of London fail to attract twitchers?

penguin-beach

Image 1 of 6

Anorak

Posted: 26th, May 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Denmark Bans Marmite In Far Right Purge On Foreigners

DENMARK has outlawed Marmite. Since 2004, Denmark has forbidden the sale of foods fortified with added vitamins. Marmite contains:

Anorak

Posted: 24th, May 2011 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comments (7)

The Sooner You Advertise Here The Better: Ad Of The Week

THIS advert in Holland is better than the advert it wants you to cover it with. Says the legend: “The Sooner You Advertise Here, The Better”…

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, May 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Birmingham Lad Finds Chewing Gum In Thick And Chewy Tesco Pizza

CALLUM Fowler was shocked to find a half eaten piece of chewing gum in his Tesco pizza. Mum Jamie had bought the nipper a Tesco’s Italian meal form her local Tesco Extra store in New Oscott. Says she:

“I think it’s disgusting. I’d cut the pizza in half and given half to Callum and half to my other son Ollie. I was upstairs when Callum shouted up, ‘Mum, there’s something on my pizza.”

Anorak

Posted: 20th, May 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)

Osama bin Laden’s Last Breath For Sale (In A Can!)

OSAMA Bin Laden is now available in cans. Capitalism beasts Jihadism in the big smack down.

Spotter: Jim

Anorak

Posted: 17th, May 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)

Sheffield Woman Finds Needle In Breakfast Lard: Londoners Aghast

KATIE Greaves, 26, of Longley, Sheffield, was shocked to find a needle sticking out from the block of lard she’d bought from a Tesco Metro outlet.

Katie sliced into the 27p pack of Tesco Value lard “while making sausage and bacon sandwiches at breakfast time for her son, Kian“. He’s 6 years old.

Says she:

“I think it’s a safety issue. Whatever it is, it should not be in a block of lard. I tried to cut a bit off and thought, this is unusual, I can’t cut through it. I cut round where I couldn’t get through and saw there was a bit of metal sticking out. I don’t know how it could have got in there, whether it’s a bit of machinery or what.”

Anorak

Posted: 14th, May 2011 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)