EastEnders: Pat Butcher Dies Giving Birth To Den Watts’ Child

GOOD news for EastEnders fans: Pat Butcher is going to die at Christmas.

This Christmas of good will was going to feature Kat Slater and Ronnie Mitchell swapping back babies. But that story reached a premature ending when people who think EastEnders is a documentary wanted to disembowel Ronnie.

This Christmas’ sob-fest was to have featured one of Kat and Ronnie’s babies getting terminally ill and requiring an emergency kidney transplant. With no time to waste Ian Beale would perform a live organ transplant with his kebab carving knife, and in a further nod to reality, accidentally bake the organ in a pie Dot had pre-ordered.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Princess Productions Fly Soldiers’ Wives And Children To Afghanistan War For Flashmob TV Show: You’ll Die Laughing

PRINCESS Productions wants to fly the wives and children of soldiers serving in Afghanistan to dad’s place of work. It’ll be great. Lucy Weston posted a call to telly stars on ARRSE – the British Army Rumour Service (ARRSE). The lads consider the offer and how stupid, shaggable, patronising and self-serving Lucy and her colleagues are.

Hi there!

I hope you don’t mind me contacting you. I am a television researcher for a TV production company called Princess Productions. I was wondering if anyone might be able to help with a pilot TV show I am currently working on.

The show is going to be a combination of Surprise Suprise and Flashmob (the current phenomenon made famous by the T-Mobile advert). So we are currently looking for incredible people who could be the recipients of the surprise of their lives, a massive super-sized celebration to say thank you, give someone a huge send off, ask somebody to marry them or reveal some exciting news.

We thought it would be a lovely idea to surprise soldiers currently serving in Afghanistan. Maybe they are yet to meet their newborn babies. We would like to give them a huge surprise by flying the baby and all the family over for a massive moral boosting exercise and chance for him to cradle the son or daughter he has never met. We also want to treat the soldiers to a huge flashmob style thank-you from all the British public for the on-going work they are doing.

We obviously understand the logistics involved in this might be complicated. At this stage I was just wondering if you might know of anyone who this might be applicable to, if you could help to spread the word to fellow supporters and family members or if you could kindly put me in touch with anyone who might be able to help further with my enquiries?

I would really appreciate anything anyone could do to help. I was just wondering if you might know of anyone who this might be applicable to, if you could help to spread the word to fellow supporters and family members or if you yourself have a special someone you would like to give the surprise of their lives. Anyone interested can email me on *************.

I hope to hear from you soon!

Anorak

Posted: 25th, October 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comments (14)

X Factor: Kelly Rowland Jets Back To US With Tulisa Riding On Her Back

HAS Kelly Roland quit the joyless X Factor following that made-for-TV spat in triggered by ‘happy slapping‘ Tulisa Contostavlos’ opinion that Misha Bryan is a bully? There is trouble at the heart of the Nuremberg-styled X Factor judicial system. It big enough to make the Sun’s front-page headline:

“Kelly I”m Off – Furious star jets back to US after row with Tulisa.”

The country is not big enough for the both of them.

Once upon a time the X Factor’s PR factory was amusing and appeared to be based on some degree of fact. Now it looks about as natural as Simon Cowell’s forehead, happy to turn a wannabe singer’s dreams into a row between two actual singers on professional contracts. Says the Sun:

The Destiny’s Child star, 30, deserted her acts — including hot favourite Misha B — after her TV bust-up with fellow judge Tulisa Contostavlos, 23. A worried ITV1 source admitted yesterday: “We don’t know where she is.”

Anorak

Posted: 25th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

America Is Being Attacked By A Giant, Confused News Reporter

YOU may have seen the weather reports and thought ‘Look. There’s some clouds. There’s some sunshine. A little snow in Scotland. Ireland still doesn’t have any weather. Same old, same old.’

You may have seen Fred Talbot, jumping around on his floating map outside the Liverpool docks on This Morning and thought ‘Imagine! Imagine if Fred was that big! Crushing entire cities like some kind faced Godzilla!’

Well, it actually happened in America AND there’s video evidence.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 24th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

X Factor ‘Bully’ Misha B Will Kill The Sunshine If She Does Not Win

X FACTOR Monday: the Daily Mirror leads with news of Misha Bryan, the Manchester wannabe dubbed Misha B by the marketing-minded judges and a nod to text messaging. The front-page headline informs us:

“I WAS A BULLY..BUT I’LL CHANGE”

That ellipse was teasing. Anorak had supposed that in the lust for ratings and something original, we might have got:

“I was a bully.. And I loved it”

or

“I was bully.. Vote for me or I’ll kick your face in”

Instead we get the usual recovery position in which the X Factor starlet is presented as a victim. The opening line of Mark Jefferies’ report tells us:

BROUGHT up by an aunt, Misha Bryan was 10 when she discovered her mum had abandoned her at just three months…

That’s an undeniably sad story. And it’s why she became a bully, right?

Speaking of the trouble she got into as a 15-year-old at Trinity High in Hulme, Manchester, she said: “At school I was bullied – and I did bully people myself, but I am a different person now.”

Anorak

Posted: 24th, October 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comments (3)

X Factor: Frankie Cocozza Wonders If Sex With Twins Counts As One Shag Or Two?

FRANKIE Cocozza has just shagged twin sisters. Well, so says a source to the Daily Mail Online, thus burnishing the X Factor contestant’s reputation as an 18-year-old who likes to have sex.

Cocozza is the show’s ladies man, having shagged anything between 64 and 67 women.

Former X Factor contestant Beccy Shaw says Fankie told her he had already slept with 64 girls, including an older woman with children (not present).

Beccy, 18, told Heat magazine:

“We did get together, but it wasn’t like what he said – we didn’t sleep together.”

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Bad Parenting Video Of The Day: The Twin Escapes

YOUTUBE user MomOf6Boys has posted a video of a toddler escaping from a cot. Four things stand out in the video:

1. The room is free of pictures and music
2. Mum videos her children all the time
3. If your child had just dropped half its body height to the floor would you let him do it again or move him onto the floor?
4. Watching slack parenting is enjoyable

Anorak

Posted: 21st, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (2)

PIX Morning News Anchor Sukanya Krishnan’s Trippy Onanistic Orgasm On TV

WOMEN. You are free to mass outside the offices of PIX Morning News and arrest news anchor Anchor Sukanya or whatever crimes you care to create.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Who Is Frankie Cocozza’s Mystery Shoreditch Pal?

X FACTOR’s Frankie Cocozza has had “FIVE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT”. So says the Daily Star.

The cute singer with the hair of a 1980s darts player and the voice to match is the show’s designated bad boy character, the one the fans will all want to shag. And the tabloid take is that if you hang around long enough chances are Frankie will sex you.

Back in the day, it used to that one star had sex five-times-a-night. But Frankie is such a stud that he’s shagging give women in one night, most likely five times each.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

A Journey Into Austria: The Heart Of Darkness – How Black People See The Alpine Tribes

HOW black people see white culture – a journey into Austria’s heart of darkness:

Anorak

Posted: 19th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

X Factor: Anonymous Dubai Businessman Finds Kitty Brucknell Shaggable

DID you know that a Dubai businessman has offered Kitty Brucknell £300,000 to perform a private show for him?

The Daily Star leads with the news that “X FACTOR wild child Kitty Brucknell has been offered £300,000 to give a sizzling private show“.

One “intimate” show for £300,000. That’s not too shabby.

The fan says he will provide transport and for her to “bring her sexiest costumes”.

The Star says this is a “naughty proposal“.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Penguins Are Thieving Pests: Video Proof

THE BBC’s new series of Frozen Planet does what the BBC does well: voice of God over hard-to-get footage of animals. The team spent four months with the penguin colony on Ross Island, Antarctica. The Adelie penguin colony in Antarctica collect stones to build nests while competing for women. In this video , one male penguin is filmed stealing stones from its neighbour’s nest. The higher the pile the bigger the lure:

Anorak

Posted: 18th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

BBC’s Mark Thompson Apologises For Editing Jonathan King From Top Of The Pops

THE BBC has seen the light. The Director-General Mark Thompson apologised to Jonathan King for the broadcaster’s editing him out of a BBC Four show called Top of the Pops.

Thompson writes:

Dear Jonathan

Thank you for your email. Please accept my apologies for the delay in
replying.

I am sorry to hear that you were unhappy that your performance was
edited out of an episode of Top of the Pops recently repeated on BBC
Four. The BBC’s complaints process begins with a response from the
relevant programme makers and I therefore asked my colleagues in BBC
Four to address this matter. Their response is as follows:

“We are sorry that Mr King’s appearance was edited out of this
particular programme. We accept that this should not have happened and
we would like to apologise for any upset this caused.

We can assure Mr King that there is no policy in place requiring any of
his appearances, or those of any one else, to be removed from repeats we
show on the channel. We can also assure Mr King that his performance
will not be edited out of any future repeat of this particular episode
of Top of the Pops.”

I hope this response is helpful, but please come back to me if there are
any further points you wish to raise and I will ensure that these are
dealt with in accordance with our complaints process. I want to join
BBC Four in apologising for this incorrect decision.

Best wishes

Mark Thompson
Director General
BBC

Anorak

Posted: 18th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Mummifying Alan: Egypt’s Last Secret: Starring Alan Billis As Tutanalan, Mr Taxi-Dermy

THE TV show Mummifying Alan: Egypt’s Last Secret will show Alan Billis being mummified. Mr Billis has died from lung cancer. He was, a taxi-driver. It is thus correct to refer to him as the Taxi-dermist.

Scientists at Medico-Legal Centre in Sheffield have embalmed the 61-year-old .

Says his wife Janet:

“He just said, ‘I’ve just phoned someone up about being mummified.” I said, ‘You’ve what?’ I thought here we go again. It’s just the sort of thing you would expect him to do.”

On the show. Mr Billis says:

“People have been leaving their bodies to science for years, and if people don’t volunteer for anything nothing gets found out.”

Anorak

Posted: 18th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Bradley Walsh Finds Fanny Chmelar Funny

FANNY Chmelar. Nothing funny about her name. Nothing funny at all. The Chase host Bradley Walsh explains:

Anorak

Posted: 18th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Nollywood Presents Mass Destruction: Film Trailer Of The Year

HURRAH for Nollywood! Is this best film trailer of the year? We think it is. It might even be better than the actual film…

Anorak

Posted: 17th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (2)

X Factor: Simon Cowell Explodes In Sun PR Mess

THE Sun says that Simon Cowell has exploded. Has his belt finally given way, unable to retraining his bosoms? No. Simon has exploded in the metaphorical sense, getting upset that the X Factor is not as popular as he’d like it to be.

Colin Robertson gets a call from a fellow insider in the X Factor marketing suite:

The show boss hit the roof after the talent smash lost more than TWO MILLION viewers… An insider said: “Simon is furious. This would never have happened on his watch and he wants the team to know this and sort it out.”

Anorak

Posted: 17th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

X Factor: Johnny Robinson Is Sarah Lee Of The Trannyshack (Video)

X FACTOR’S Johnny Robinson is Sarah Lee, keeper of the Trannyshack:

Anorak

Posted: 17th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

X Factor Legend Kitty Brucknell CBE Retrospective: Photos

X FACTOR: KITTY Brucknell says that she is an “inspiration”. Kitty Brucknell tells us that she owes her fans – the “most important people in her life”. Kitty Brucknell seems to have fast-tracked herself past the recording and the winning and moved into the “legend” category. Look out for a Kitty Brucknell retrospective on ITV2, a CBE and a Chris Biggins, Joan Collins and the GIs recalling their time in rep together on 100 Best Kitty Moments on Channel 4:

kitty-brucknell-1_0

Image 1 of 15

Anorak

Posted: 15th, October 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

X Factor Week 2: Tulisa Murders Misha B And Johnny Is Freddy Krueger

THE X FACTOR: It’s the second live show. Highlights are:

Misha B is the only act who looks like she can sing and perform. The Sun did its best to try and make it look less like a procession by cooking up a shocker sourced in an anonymous insider’s words:

“Misha is out of control and Kelly just snapped. She told her that unless she packs it in, she’ll be sent packing herself.”

Yep. And on the fifteenth Sunday of that particular month, Hell will open a ski resort.

Tulisa then tries to kill Misha B by telling Kelly Rowland she is turning Misha B into a “brand – which is a serious selling point”. Can we Occupy the X Factor and kick the capitalist pigs out of music?

Rhythmix look like a 1980s auditions for Brookside.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

RIP Betty Driver: Coronation Street Betty’s Hotpot Off The Menu

BETTY Driver the 91-year-old actress who played Betty Williams/Turpin as Coronation’s Street’s barmaid and Lancashire hotpot maker in the Rover’s Return is dead.

The former music hall star was recruited for the role in 1969 and 42 years later was still on the cast list.

Despite her famed success as a soap series meat dish master chef, she was a vegetarian and said she couldn’t cook a hotpot to “save my life”!

agw

Posted: 15th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Why Investing In Maria Fowler Is Shrewd: TOWIE Escort’s Sex Secrets

TOWIE’S Maria Fowler wants to tell you “The Truth ABout My Life As An Escort”.

The Daily Star cocks an ear:

MARIA Fowler’s future on The Only Way Is Essex looks bleak after bosses warned: “Any more seedy stories about your past and you’re out.”

If there is one thing the bosses at the everyday story of abortion ‘n’ tells, sex ‘n’ tells, spangled vaginas ‘n’ tells, nudity ‘n’ tells and clubbing ‘n’ tells will not tolerate it is seediness.

Meanwhile, in this week’s OK! you can Win A Date with the TOWIE’s Mark Wright. Does this make OK! a pimp?

Anorak

Posted: 15th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

In Which A Bloody-Minded Duck Crosses The Road (Video)

WHY did the duck cross the road? (Best watch with volume turned down):

Anorak

Posted: 14th, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

The Only Way Is Dalston: The Stars Of MTV’s Hoxton Hipster TV

ESSEX has The Only Way is Essex. Chelsea has Made In Chelsea. Newcastle has Geordie Shore. Belfast has yet to air Loyalist And Lovin’ It. But Dalston and Hoxton in EastLondon do have The Only Way Is Dalston. The call to arms goes out:

“Hi,

“I’m getting in touch with you as I’m casting for an international MTV documentary series about young creative people living, working and hanging out in East London, fulfilling their creative dreams. We will be bringing together a group of diversely talented individuals to create a collective and a brand –ultimately a factory of creativity to harness talent.

“This is about celebrating youth culture, through self-expression – and the hub is East London. It’s about subverting people’s expectations of the scene here – and showing how raw talent is emerging. During the show, mentors and experiences will help nurture innovative flair and give you the chance to showcase your unique ideas. The eventual winner will be supported by MTV and their skills and visions will be shown to the world.

“We want unique characters with something to say who are up for challenging and developing themselves! Fancy being part of this experience?

“We’ll be meeting people Monday evening in Shoreditch for casting. Let me know if you, or anyone you know, would be interested in coming along. Age 18-25(ish).

“Get in touch“

It’s people who want to work in big media filming people who want to be filmed on big media. As with all reloty telly shows the pleasure in picking out who to hate most. Vice met a few of the cast:

Anorak

Posted: 13th, October 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comments (2)