Celebrity Big Brother: The Daily Star’s Lies And Wet Dreams Were Better Than The Show

CELEBRITY Big Brother (proprietor Richard Desmond) is at its end. After 19 days straight of front-page reporting in the Daily Star (prop. R. Desmond), the paper can announce that the show’s winner is Paddy Doherty. He saw off Kerry Katona’s kidzz, ketchup and kebabs to take top spot and with it the spoils of breathless interviews in OK! (prop R. Desmond) and exclusives on Channel Five (prop. R Desmond).

Time, then, to look back and see whihc of the Daily Star’s front-page exclusies was the most factually correct:

Aug 16: “Big Bro Big Sexy Shock – Naked romps and kinky padded cell revealed”
Fact: No naked romps and no kinky padded cell

Aug 17: Jordan Busts Into Big Brother
Fact: Kate Price, for it is she, did not go on Big Brother

Anorak

Posted: 9th, September 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comments (5)

Why You Never See A Fat Seagull: Video Proof

THIS bird will prove why pet shops don’t have escalators and you never see a fat seagull:

Anorak

Posted: 9th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Women-Hating Daily Mail Hits Out At Other Vile Internet Scum Who Criticise Women Online

THE Daily Mail delivers “Your starter for hell” the story of “University Challenge girls suffer vile internet abuse“.

Andrew Levy tells us:

It began with Gail Trimble, the Oxford student whose triumphant appearances on University Challenge led to online sniping about her being a ‘horse-toothed snob’. Now other female contestants on the programme have been subjected to offensive internet campaigns.

Curse that internet!

Anorak

Posted: 8th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

BBC Edits Jonathan King Out Of Top Of The Pops

THE BBC’s vacuous decision to edit out an appearance of Jonathan King on a 1976 edition of Top of the Pops for a BBC4 rerun sets an intriguing precedent. We all know King was convicted and jailed for sex with underage teenage boys a few years back, but what could be the rationale for this show ‘laundering’; this charade that King never existed?

As columnist Terence Blacker writes in theIndependent, “Certainly, if the BBC’s new policy is to give musicians a retrospective morality test before allowing them on the screen, its censorship department is going to be busy. There will be no room for Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis, Pete Townshend, Ike Turner and many others – and that’s before one has even reached jazz.”

Madame Arcati

Posted: 7th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Strictly Come Dancing 2011: Audley Harrison’s Second Chance And Edwina’s Eggshells

STRICTLY Come Dancing 2011 – and it’s a good year for sports fans in the televised pro-celebrity arena.

The stand out name is Daniel Lobb, a victim of nominative determinism who used to be Britain’s 18th best tennis player before slipping down the rankings to become the country’s 34th best sports presenter for Daybreak, the nation’s fifth best early morning TV show.

Other sports stars included:

Robbie Savage – Former footballer who loves to be seen and talks himself to the centre of every story. Look out for him dancing with himself.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Nathan Hageman Is Tabloid Villain Of Th Month: Media Beats Villain Red And Black

NATHAN Hageman is front-page news. He won £1million on ITV’s Red Or Black.

The Show is best described by Dec of Ant ‘n’ Dec: “There’s no skill or talent involved.”

It is just a celebration of money.

To the Sun Hageman is:

“£1m Red Or BLack Fury – TV BRUTE KEEPS LOOT”

Hageman is a product of Bullingdon Britain, having been jailed in HMP Bullingdon in Oxfordshire. He got five years’ jail for attacking his former lover Amy Edwards and aggravated burglary.

And now he is being smacked about in the court of public opinion for lying. You see, what he told media after his win was:

“I got mixed up with the wrong woman, someone I shouldn’t have been involved with. I decided to get out of the situation and ended up with another woman, who was such a nice girl – completely different. But the woman I left wouldn’t leave me alone. Then I started getting calls from a guy in Reading. He was very threatening. I think she’d got involved with him. I tried to brush it off but he kept saying he was going to harm me. I was concerned for my mum, sister and niece and I went there and assaulted him. I was an idiot for doing it, I know, but that’s the state of mind I was in.”

Anorak

Posted: 7th, September 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment

Seal Man Is Her To Save The Day: Video

SEAL Man is here to save the day. This is what English holidaymakers get up in the noon day sun. The English and the mad dogs have much in common – it’s most likely why they get on with Colonel Gaddafi so very well…

Spotter: Arbroath

Anorak

Posted: 6th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Bomb Does Not Blow Up Big Brother House: Tara Reid And Stars Remain Alive To Job Offers

TARA Reid is out of the Big Brother house (prop. R. Desmond). It’s front new on The Star (prop. R. Desmond). But there is yet bigger news:

“BOMB NUT AT BB HOUSE.”

It’s not just the show that’s bombing. Ed Gleave reports:

FANS fled in terror and staff were left injured when a bomb scare hit Big Brother.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Animal Rights Hero Steven Seagal ‘Rides Tank Over’ 100 Chickens And Fellow Cocks

YOU are about to see Steven Seagal, the actor, break up a cock fighting ring at the home of unarmed 42-year-old Jesus Sanchez Llovera by driving a tank over a fence and, reportedly, also over lots of live birds. The justice was recorded for Steven Seagal: Lawman, a reality TV show that is actually real – yep, not a spoof (also starring celebrity lawman Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio):

Shortly after the incident, Seagal explained that the raid on suspect Jesus Llovera—which involved a Maricopa County Sheriff’s Department team in full riot gear swarming his family’s home, as Steven Seagal crashed through his gates in a tank—all came about because, as Seagal said to a local TV station, “Animal cruelty is one of my pet peeves.” So in order to prevent said animal cruelty, Seagal and his team apparently “euthanized” the more than 100 roosters it found on Llovera’s property and, according to a just-filed claim from Llovera, also shot and killed his 11-month-old puppy.

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, September 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

Ex-Hoff Gets Booted Out Of The Big Brother House, But Gets Her Revenge On Half The House

YES! We have a 100% accuracy with the whole Predicting Who Is Getting Voted Out Of The Big Brother House thing. You really should start putting money on our guesswork because we’re quite clearly brilliant/sad enough to take an interest in the show.

As predicted, Pamela Bachman Turner Overdrive Hasselhoff was voted off, leaving odious, foetid cockatiel Darryn Lyons in the house with his man-made 20 pack stomach. Seriously. It looks like a dinosaur’s back.

The Hoff’s ex-wife got seven nominations from her housemates who all uniformly thought she was a whining old bag with nothing good to say about anyone.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 2nd, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Big Brother’s Amy Childs’ Romp Gives Hope To The Sexually Obsessed

CELEBRITY Big Brother has now been on the cover of the Daily Star for 14 straight days. While lesser organs look away, the Daily Star sticks to what it does best: talking up its proprietor Richard Desmond’s show.

Today’s news is that Amy Childs has been in a “THREE WAY ROMP” with Kerry Katona and Lucien Laviscount.

The romp is, of course, only a sexually charged encounter if you are a pubescent youth whose exhausted the gardening section of the Argos catalogue or a saddo sat in front of the magic box waiting Desmond’s porn channels to begin broadcasting.

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Maddy Jackson Is The Four Year With Fake Breasts: Photos

SHIFT you cutie patooti Eden Wood, Step aside Botox Mum. Spin on this Sarah Burge. Four-year-old Maddy Jackson has C-cup breasts, a J-Lo derriere and more chutzpa than a Goonies Bar Mitzvah convention.

Maddy is a contestant on Toddlers and Tiaras, the telly show about beauty pageants.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Casey Stoner Dodges An Otter At Indianapolis

CASEY Stoner dodges an otter at Indianapolis. Has anyone ever seen an otter on the field of play before? We’ve had streakers and dogs and squirrels and cocks, (when the French are in town) – but an otter..?

Anorak

Posted: 1st, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Arsenal Enter The Spurs Zone As Arteta Cuts And Runs And Redknapp Gets £40million For Modric

THE last day of the football transfer window was frenetic on Sky Sports news.

Below a swirling countdown clock, Alan Curbishley the former Charlton man once tipped to be the England manager, opined:

“The bigger clubs get it all done. They don’t want to get involved in this last-day stuff.”

That was a possible dig at Arsenal, who were being linked with just about ever footballer in the world. The Gunners were in the fabled Tottenham Zone, waiting for players to get progressively cheaper as the countdown on Transfer Deadline day approached zero.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Ortis Deley Gets Fired From C4’s Athletics Coverage Thanks To This Online Video: World’s Worst Sports Presenter

UNSURPRISINGLY, Channel 4 have shown the door to poor old Ortis Deley after he made a terrible hash of his presenting gig during the coverage of the IAAF world athletics championships.

You may recognise Deley from some children’s TV, as well as Channel 5’s The Gadget Show. He bumbled and muttered his way through a series of gawdawful links, getting everyone’s name wrong and generally being more stilted than a hostage telling a tabloid he’s fine.

As such, Deley has been fired from the main presenter role which will now be taken by Rick Edwards. Ortis will stay on the roster but his role has been “scaled back”, potentially to ‘tea boy’.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 31st, August 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Don’t Jump Edward: Kids On Slides Video Of The Day

DON’T jump Edward. You’ll hurt yourself…

Anorak

Posted: 31st, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Mr Paparazzi And Ex-Mrs The Hoff Up For Big Brother Eviction Unsurprisingly

BRILLIANT. That’s what we are. That’s because we correctly predicted who would be voted out of the Celebrity Big Brother house over the weekend, seeing the terminally unpopular Sally Bercow getting sent back to the obscurity from whence she came.

Good riddance too. We don’t want political people polluting our perfectly good television sets. They’re all scum of the highest order, unable to string a sentence together without keeping one eye on a camera. And you thought proper celebrities were bad.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 30th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

The Singing Cat Impersonates Rolf Harris

SINGING cat will now impersonate Rolf Harris. (If you see singing bird, do tell…)

Anorak

Posted: 29th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

How’s Jason? What Will Be The BBC’S First Question To Manchester United’s Sir Alex Ferguson?

AFTER seven years of silence, Manchester United’s manager Alex Ferguson will deign to speak with the grovelling BBC. “It’s not a grudge, it’s a stance,” said Feguson of his silence.

It all began when the BBC made a limp documentary called Father and Son, which alleged that Ferguson had put pressure on younger players at Old Trafford to sign up with his son Jason, who was operating as a football agent.

Fergie saw something take offence at (as is his way). So. He decided not to honour the contract between the BBC and the Premier League that stipulates that every Premier League manager must tell the hapless sod with the microphone how they feel to have won / lost / drawn. For seen long years BBC viewers have had to make do without Fergie’s pithy reaction to poor referees and the officials’ bad time-keeping. For seven years Garth Crooks has been unable to stew Ferguson’s words and reveal to Match of The Day viewers what the Scot is thinking – really, really thinking.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Videos Of Reporters LIVE! From The Hurricane: You Can Almost Smell The Sewage

WE are LIVE from Hurricane Irene. Oh, the simple joy of watching hapless news reporters showing the folks at home just how windy a hurricane is:

Orlando WESH 2 News meteorologist Dan Billow is LIVE!:

CNN’S Brain Todd is LIVE!:

WTTG-TV reporter Tucker Barnes id LIVE! from Ocean City, Maryland:

Reporter Gives Update Covered In Sea Foam: MyFoxNY.com

Al Rocker is LIVE! from Naples, Florida:Hurricane Ike was LIVE! in Houston:

Anorak

Posted: 28th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Big Brother Eviction Night! Who Is Going And Do You Even Care?

TONIGHT is eviction night in the Celebrity Big Brother house, which essentially means that some sleb-pleb will find out how high their stock is with the general public… or indeed, how low it is.

There’s a certain level of arrogance that is required for a celebrity to enter the Big Brother house. First of all, you have to believe that you’re famous enough to warrant a place next to such luminaries like Tara Reid and Paddy Doherty who is a gypsy who someone pointed a camera that didn’t belong to News At Ten.

And so, we’re faced with the first eviction and it’s a dog-fight between Kerry Katona and her prawn ring, Sally Bercow and her poshery and Bobby Sabel and his… er… face.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 26th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Reasons To Hate X Factor X-Bot Kitty Brucknell: She’s Ginger

KITTY Brucknell is back in the news. The X Factor’s X-Bot would like us to know that she was bullied. No, not only by the tabloid press. Kitty was bullied by her peers at school. We had thought that the sex tape would follow the tales of fixes, drugs and racy photos, but we were wrong. It and the romance with a fellow contestant will have to wait. The X Factor bosses have pressed F5 on the X-Bot’s head and we’re on to the bullying.

The Sun laps up the PR:

X FACTOR show-off Kitty Brucknell, aka Kimberley Dayle, told last night how she was forced to hit the hair dye bottle after she was branded the GINGER MINGER. She was mercilessly mocked for her strawberry blonde locks throughout her teens, TV Biz can reveal.

Anorak

Posted: 26th, August 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment

Sally Bercow Will Not Embarrass Her Husband

SPEAKERS’S Wife Sally Bercow is in the Big Brother hosue. She says she will not bring shame on her husband John Bercow MP.

“He wouldn’t divorce me because I embarrass him and if I embarrass anyone, it will be myself… He knows I’m doing it for a good cause. He’ll come round, but I can’t say he was over the moon.”

Anorak

Posted: 25th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Darryn Lyons’ Bowser Stomach Doubles For Katie Price’s Jordans

DARRYN Lyons abs are his own. News is that the agonist on Big Brother (prop. Richard Desmond) is an investor in the company Body Contour, a spokesman for which tells the Daily Express (prop. Richard Desmond)

“There are absolutely no implants involved Everyone, whether fat or thin, has muscle definition and this surgical but safe procedure removes fat from between the muscles to create definition.”

Anorak

Posted: 24th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Kool Aid Women Is Every Reporter’s Dream Date: Video

VOX pops and interviews can be hard work for the local news reporter. Sometimes, though, they can be easy. Kool Aid woman is here to help:

Spotter: Not Joey Barton

Anorak

Posted: 24th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment