TV & Radio Category
Television and radio programme reviews, trailers, highlights, twilights and cinema news. Also the neglected gems from years past.
After The TV Torture Of Prince Harry Channel 4 Rapes The Pope
LIKE you we’ve been unable to realise the full horror of what would have happened to Prince Harry had he been kidnapped by the Taliban.
Thankfully, Channel 4 is here to fill in the gaps in our fantasy. In The Taking of Prince Harry, a film, we get to see the mock executions and torture.
Channel 4’s head of documentaries, Hamish Mykura, says he told the Royal Family about the film but:
“I think it is just wrong to say that this would create a new idea that wasn’t there already.”
Fair play. Who among us can place their hand on their heart and say they haven’t dreamt of torturing Prince Harry?
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Posted: 7th, October 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
X Factor 2010: Gamu Stays, Cheryl Cole’s ‘Racism’ And A Careless Wispa
X FACTOR 2010: Sanussi Ngoy Ebonda is Gamu Nhengu’s number one fan. It was he who sent a message over his Blackberry phone expressing disappointment at Cheryl Cole’s decision to send Gamu home, literally.
He says “everyone was expecting black girl to go through”. Well, not everyone.
NOT the UK Boarder Agency, which has ordered Gamu and her family to leave the country and must have know about Gamu a while back.
NOT the X Factor which knew Gamu was in a visa quagmire and that dumping her would circumvent any later trouble and get loads of publicity.
READ: The X Factor’s Big PR Stunt: Why Gamu Nhengu Is The New Wispa Bar
NOT anyone who has read about Katie Wassel and given the sideways eyes to Simon Cowell.
READ: How The X Factor And Sony BMG Fixed It For Katie Waissel, aka Katie Vogel
NOT anyone who has read the tabloids and seen how Cher Lloyd has been championed.
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Posted: 7th, October 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (4)
The Apprentice: Stuart Baggs The Brand And Other Scars On A Cow’s Arse
THE Apprentice: STUART Baggs is “The Brand” – he’s a scar on a cow’s arse. Stuart has a “rainbow of skills”. Stuart Baggs was also the first person to call Surrr Alan Lord Sugar. Because that’s what brands do.
It’s week one of The Apprentice and we’ve got some great lines and a hate figure to enjoy:
Dan Harris, who the image of Prince Andrew passing a Guy Ritchie–shaped tiepin; and who have never been the same since Robson Green went it alone:
“Who is doing the MINCING?! Who IS doing the mincing? WHO is doing the mincing.”
Our money was on Louis Spence.
Dan also has bright blue eyes – as do many of the contestants. Does blue-sky thinking make your eyes shine blue? Discuss.
Melisa Cohen (Dennis Pennis’ little sister – Denise Pennis) to the girls: “Grab your costs and get some meat.”
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Posted: 6th, October 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (7)
X Factor 2010 (Photos): Gamu Nhengu Is Chery Cole’s White Woman’s Burden
GAMU Nhengu is the X Factor reject who must stay in the UK and not return to Zimbabwe.
Firstly, if Gamu stays there is less of a chance that (alleged) Fix Factor Katie Waissel or Dot Cotton’s Team America doll Cher Lloyd will win the show.
Secondly, if Gamu doesn’t stay then Cheryl Cole will be surely burdened with the knowledge that her decision to remove Gamu might have led to the 18-year-old’s deportation.
(No flag waving at Tory Party conference for Our Cheryl, buy maybe next year.)
Some people on Facebook have accused Cheryl of being racist. But this cannot be so. Sure, Cheryl beat up a black toilet attendant called Sophie Amogbokpa but she has a friend who own a Blackberry, hangs out with a Black Eyed Pea and was once married to Ashley Cole, who is black.
Yes, the black footballer cheated on her and she caught malaria in Africa, but Cheryl is not racist. The attendant could have been white, brown or yellow. Cheryl does not judge black people but people of all colours.
The accuser whines:
“I’ve never felt like dis over xfactor until u told gambu (sic) she is not going to the live show. Dat cheryl was da biggest mistake of your life. U want to act innocent on tv like you don’t know wat ur doing. But we all know how racist you are.
Wat u have now done is f*** up every white girls lives who’s silly mothers dat named der child cheryl. Cuz I’m just going to f***** bang drop dem and dey won’t even know why.
Can’t beat an anti-racist going after the white gels. And know that Cher is not short for Cheryl, it is, apparently, short for Chert, a fine-grained silica-rich microcrystalline, also-known-as ‘Malvern Gold’.
While Cheryl is attacked, what of Gamu? We have shown that Gamu can remain in the country by qualifying for a ‘highly skilled persons’ visa. More on that here. And she can get a wild card back onto the show – as the Wispa Rule dictates.
Meanwhile, locals and media are massed to show their support outside a block of flats in Tillicoultry, Clackmannanshire, where Gamu lives – for now…
READ: How The X Factor And Sony BMG Fixed It For Katie Waissel, aka Katie Vogel
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Posted: 6th, October 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (4)
talkSport: Horse Abuse, Murdered English And Jack Wilshere Is Not Wiltshire You Morons
ONE of my guilty pleasures is to listen to talkSPORT when I should be doing more important things. But far more enjoyable than this is reading the comments on talkFORUM, a website whose apparent raison d’être to allow aficionados of the station to slag it off in extreme, obscene and often hilarious ways. (My current favourite thread is called, with admirable directness: Ronnie Irani is a cunt.)
Another thread caught my eye today: Micky Quinn – Saying Debut Incorrectly for Over 20 years??!
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Posted: 6th, October 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (2)
X Factor 2010: Gamu Nhengu Passes Highly Skilled Visa Test To Stay In UK – Proof
X FACTOR 20101: Had Cheryl Cole put Gamu Nhengu through to the show’s live final would the 18-year-old and her family have been allowed to remain the UK?
Gamu, born in Zimbabwe, has to leave the UK. Her mother Nokuthula Ngazana’s visa ran out in August. The family have been staying in central Scotland for eight years.
The family could stay in the UK so long as Ms Ngazana studied at university. But now that visa has expired.
So. What are Gamu’s options. Well, she could get married quickly to a UK citizen. But Louis Walsh is busy and Simon Cowell is taken.
Or she could apply for a working visa, offered to skilled workers, investors and entrepreneurs.
Is Gamu highly skilled? Well, yes. Although according to Cheryl Cole Gamu is not as highly skilled as Cher Lloyd, Katie Wassel and Rebecca Ferguson, who did get picked to go through.
Many disagree.
So. Can Gamu qualify for a working visa from the UK Border Agency? To be highly skilled you must prove:
“…you do not need a job offer if you are applying as a highly skilled worker. When you apply, you are awarded points based on your qualifications, your previous earnings, your UK experience, age, your English language skills and your maintenance (funds).”
You must score:
• 75 points for your attributes (age, qualifications, previous earnings, and experience in the United Kingdom); and
• 10 points for English language; and
• 10 points for available maintenance (funds).
The process costs £1,095.
You must have £800 of available funds in your account and these funds must have been continuously in your account for a period of 90 consecutive days when you apply.
We took the test on Gamu’s behalf. She passed. A couple of questions had no obvious answers. There is no space for “entertainer”. We do not know if Gamu has taken an English test (although it is clear that she speak English fluently) nor if she has work experience or academic awards. And we made an estimate as to her earnings based on her doing well on the show.
This is how it went.
Age
Language skills
Gamu is highly skilled and can stay!
Education Awards
Qualifications
Earnings
English
Funds
Points
She qualifies!
Posted: 6th, October 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (7)
X Factor 2010: Gamu Nhengu , David Cameron And A Tabloid Fix
X FACTOR 2010: Gamu Nhengu is out of the show and very possibly out of the country. Or not. Has the Zimbabwe girl been axed (and, no, not by RobertMugabe – who prefers a machete – but by TV despot Simon Cowell?)
There is hope for Gamu because it turns out that Gamu’s future is dependent on what newspaper she reads:
In the Mirror Gamu is OUT. Mark Jefferies has front –page news:
GAM OVER – No reprieve for dumped X Factor girl Gamu
Heartbroken Gamu Nhengu’s dreams of returning to the X Factor were dashed yesterday – despite a massive wave of public support.
In the Sun Gamu is out of the country: The paper’s political editor, no less, Tom Newton Dunn, takes time out from the Tory conference to tell readers:
THE Gamu Nhengu controversy took a sensational turn last night – as an official letter was sent booting the teenager and her family out of Britain. The Home Office launched a probe after it emerged that the X Factor reject’s Zimbabwean mum Nokutula had pocketed £16,000 in state handouts to which she was not entitled.
But wait a moment, Gamu. In the Daily Star, there is hope. Political editor Gary Nicks tells us:
SINGING sensation Gamu Nhengu is on the brink of a dramatic return to The X Factor, thanks to some fans in very high places.
David Cameron is rubbing the populist nerve on the telly.
The Prime Minister revealed on ITV1 show This Morning that The X Factor was a favourite in his household, and that he preferred it to BBC rival Strictly Come Dancing.
So…
Home Secretary Theresa May’s officials got wind of the PM’s comments and Gamu is now close to having her visa renewed, leaving her clear to star again on the hit show.
Hurrah!
The last word is with Judith Duffy in the Express:
SINGING sensation Gamu Nhengu may be facing the disappointment of being dropped from the X Factor, but she could soon win her fight to stay in Britain.
Such are the facts in a show where the tabloids and the X Factor seem to operate in cahoots to dupe the audience and sell the show…
How The X Factor And Sony BMG Fixed It For Katie Waissel, aka Katie Vogel
The X Factor’s Big PR Stunt: Why Gamu Nhengu Is The New Wispa Bar
Posted: 6th, October 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (7)
The X Factor Is Not Ready For Iron Man: Video Superstar
THE X Factor is not ready for Iron Man.
But you are.
Who is the masked man?
Well, some say… (“get on with it” – ed)
Posted: 6th, October 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
X Factor 2010: Katie Waissel’s OK! Job And Naked Pictures
X FACTOR 2010: X Factor finalist Katie Waissel used to work at OK! magazine. Yeah, the singer who is more than an enthusiastic amateur once was once on Richard Desmond’s payroll. He owns the Daily Star, the paper that has reported her as being one of “the singers from hell“.
Waissel worked in the magazine’s advertising department. Says a former colleague:
“Every day she’d bring a banjo and sit there plucking it.”
Well, if it helps you to get the job and get it done…
READ: How The X Factor And Sony BMG Fixed It For Katie Waissel, aka Katie Vogel
Posted: 5th, October 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
The X Factor’s Big PR Stunt: Why Gamu Nhengu Is The New Wispa Bar
X FACTOR 2010: Gamu Nhengu did not make the final 12 and will not get to sing in the live show. But because the X Factor is the most manipulative, conniving show on the telly, Gamu will sing on the live shows.
When Simon Cowell told the singers that there are “no second chances”, they might have thought he meant it. But that was before he chose Niall, Harry, Zian, Liam and Louis to be a boy band called 1 Direction (aka Five Do Justin Bieber’s hair) and Esther, Sophie, Geneva and Rebecca were mushed into a blancmange of an act called Belle Amie.
And the no second chances rule will help Gamu because she’s the favourite to get a second chance as a “wildcard” entry.
The wildcard system works simply like this. The X Factor cans a few of the less terrible singers and then sits back and waits for a media shitstorm as the fans clamour for their favourite’s recall. The four acts who create the most online buzz get the nod. And that means Gamu is in.
It’s PR speak it’s known as the Wispa Method.
It is the ultimate social media PR trick. A company threatens to pull a brand and then sits back and watches as fans start huge Facebook/Twitter/blog campaign to save it.
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Posted: 4th, October 2010 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comments (3)
Who Can Stare At The Girls Breasts The Longest? A Video Game
HOW long do you think you’d last looking at the Japanese girl’s hair?
Or is it her boobs?
Old Mr Anorak, our patron, has now been staring for 34 minutes.
He wins!
Others who tried:
Posted: 4th, October 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
X Factor 2010: Cher Lloyd’s Mental ‘Breakdown’ Is A Public Sport
THE X FACTOR: News is that Cher Lloyd, the Dot Cotton Team America action figure who was once excluded from school for a fight and whose family are Malvern’s version of The Dingles, is “fragile”.
It’s Boot Camp, also known as the Weeping Zone. And Cher is shedding a tear. No, she’s not weeping for the nations and the sick – she’s not Cheryl Cole yet.
The Sun says the 17-year-old is “feared to be close to a breakdown”. One teenager’s mental wellbeing is front-page news.
No less than two Sun writers – Jen Blackburn and Lucy Connolly – were watching telly and saw Cher fail to sing her song before Cheryl Cole and Will.I.Am.
Nonetheless, Cher is through to the show’s live rounds.
No fewer than three unnamed expects are lined up to wonder if Cher will go bonkers. An expert from Rethink, a mental health charity, says “NO!” Another expert from Kidscape says “YES!” An expert from MIND says getting Cher a counsellor is gladdening.
None of the unnamed experts are doctors of psychiatrists. They are all just representatives of organisations. But, still, guessing about Cher’s “breakdown” is now a public sport. Anyone can play.
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Posted: 4th, October 2010 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comments (9)
X Factor 2010: Katie Waissel’s Cheryl Cole Snog And Cher Lloyd Is Dot Cotton?
X FACTOR 2010 contender and alleged dwarf snogger Katie Waissel says of Cheryl Cole, her and Cher Lloyd’s mentor on the show:
“You can tell she has the biggest heart and it’s no wonder she is the nation’s favourite lady.”
Only a cynic would award Waissel the Order Of The Brown Nose and start panting into a sick bag. But let us give the budding singer some credit. She did not compare Cheryl Cole to Princess Diana nor use the phase “nation’s sweetheart”.
READ: How The X Factor And Sony BMG Fixed It For Katie Waissel, aka Katie Vogel
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Posted: 3rd, October 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (2)
Dickson Oppong Is The Wunderbar Mr Waterman
DICKSON Oppong is the Waterman. He is the human camel who carries his water around like a pregnant woman. No, not on his hips but on his tum-tum.
This video is all the better for being in German. It harks back to those halcyon days when we mocked the funny foreigner and their pathetic sense of humour. Now we envy them. Oh, for a Dickson Oppong on our talent show.
He’s from Ghana. That makes him one of ours, right?
Posted: 3rd, October 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
X Factor 2010: Cher Lloyd Enters The Crying Zone With Story Of The Malvern Sopranos
X FACTOR’S ambulatory Cheryl Cole Brazt Doll Cher Lloyd didn’t do all that well last night. On the singing show, Cher failed to sing. You might suppose this would be barrier to success but nothing of it. This is just another lawyer in Cher’s journey.
In The People, Cher wasn’t to tell you that even without the singing she can be pop star. She wasn’t to tell you about “her crime-ridden family past”.
Says Cher:
“My family isn’t perfect but neither am I and while I don’t condone their outrageous behaviour, I’m finding it very difficult to love them any less. I have made mistakes in the past too but I believe everyone deserves a second chance.”
A second chance? But isn’t this Cher’s first chance at fame? The fast-track route to stardom now means that even those you’ve only heard of for a few weeks behave like seasoned performers with a history we have all grown up with. That Andy Warhol quote about 15 minutes of fame has become hackneyed with overuse but here Cher seems to embody the theory as she tries to pack in as much as possible. We get to know Cher as we might know any other national treasure we’ve all seen for years on the telly
Says Cher:
“My family and I have always been close and even though I now know what some of them did, I can’t cut them out of my life.”
Having sung a song, battled the bullies, been accused of plagiarism and lost her voice in a few weeks, Cher now want to share the pain of her family who might let her down.
And I honestly believe that all of those rough times are behind them now and that X Factor is our new start.
And with that Cher part of showbiz family. She’s Cher Redgrave doing little orphan Annie for Cowell’s Daddy Warbucks. Says Cher of her mum telling her that a few relatives has brushed against the law:
It was a really emotional conversation but after I got over the surprise my next reaction was, Nobody is perfect. We all have a background.
She’s an angel. To forgive is divine, eh, readers. And get a load of those crimes. It’s like The Sopranos have landed in Malvern:
Meanwhile another close relative, then 29, was banned from driving for three years his second ban in three months after he was caught drink-driving. He was more than double the legal limit.
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Posted: 3rd, October 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
X Factor 2010: Katie Waissel Tongues A Dwarf And Sex With Signor Boo
JUST when you thought it was impossible to warm to X Factor shoo-in Katie Waissel we learn that she once shagged Apprentice star Michael Sophocles. This is her sympathetic back story. She endured. And she pulled though, emerging tougher and more desperate to be a “legacy” then ever.
Says Michael:
“I eventually split from Katie after I caught her snogging dwarf Hollywood actor Jordan Prentice, full on French kissing. Her hands were all over him.”
Well, her hands would be all over him, wouldn’t they, what with there being not much skin to cover and Katie’s famously big hands.
READ: How The X Factor And Sony BMG Fixed It For Katie Waissel, aka Katie Vogel
Says Katie:
“He called his penis Signor Boo. And he’d say, ‘Watch out, Signor Boo’s coming to get you!'”
Of their first date, Michael says:
“She started to kiss me erotically halfway through dinner, which I found slightly disconcerting. I’m no prude but I like to work hard for a lady’s affection.”
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Posted: 3rd, October 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
X Factor Round Up: Nicolo’s Screwdriver, Cher’s Expulsion And Katie Waissel’s Legacy
IT’S the X Factor, and time to look at the nutjobs, fruit loops and outsiders trying unsuccessfully to beat Cher Lloyd and win the show. Wagner is in the house. (Lock the doors!)
First up it’s Nicolo Festa singing Paloma Faith’s New York:
I’m down to Earth and modest. I was born in Southern Italy during my second or third year I was singing in front of the TV, I still didn’t have a microphone but I was using screwdrivers.
On his throat.
Then Cher failed to sing. Good on her. All favourites get a free week and this was hers. But even without any notes, Cheryl Cole still said Cher had got “it“; and a sympathetic back story began to build in the tabloids:
“She was suspended for a few days after a catfight at school,” an X Factor spokesman tells the Daily Record. “She says she was the victim of bullying and was standing up for herself.”
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Posted: 2nd, October 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (3)
Jennifer Lopez And Ryan Seacrest Spat Out A Dead American Idol
DAMN, Fox is desperate to improve the declining interest in American Idol, writes our man in LA.
Somebody (the American Idol publicist, perhaps?) “leaked” to In Touch Weekly that Ryan Seacrest and Jennifer Lopez are already at each other’s throats… and the new season of the show hasn’t even started yet.
“Ryan was the one who first suggested Jennifer (to Idol producers),” says an ‘insider.’ “But now he’s starting to regret it.”
The fact is we’re heading into the most boring season of American Idol ever. What else can you expect with Randy Jackson moving into Simon Cowell’s old seat, and Steven Tyler looking like he’s been loaded with liter after liter of embalming fluid?
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Posted: 1st, October 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Five Watch: The Stig Signs For Fifth Gear
FIVE Watch: Anorak’s look at Channel Five making news in the Daily Star, owned by Richard Desmond who owns… Channel Five.
In “Some say the Stig will drive… for Five!” an unnamed Star hack says Ben Collins is to join Channel Five car show Fifth Gear. Collins used to be The Stig on the BBC’s Top Gear.
On Five Collins will “take on Stig-like roles”.
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Posted: 1st, October 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Ronnie Barker’s Statue Hits The Right Note: Photos
THE stature to the late Ronnie Barker was unveiled at the Waterside Theatre, Aylesbury by his widow Joy.
Sir David Jason and Ronnie Corbett sidled up to give the bronze a once over.
Barker is portrayed not as himself but as one of his comic characters, the habitual criminal Norman Stanley Fletcher.
The famous people from the telly only really exist on the telly. It’s where they are at their best and where fans want to remember them. If you want to raise a smile and not look maudlin show the character not the man.
Time for a joke or two:
- “The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.”
- “The West Drayton man who has kept himself awake every night for 17 years by snoring has at least found the answer. He’s going to sleep in another room.”
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Posted: 30th, September 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Justin Bieber’s Auto-Tuned Husky Mishka Joins The iPad Chorus (Video)
TAKE Justien Bieber, add Auto-tune, slap in an iPad and you are ready for Mishka the dog to be superstar.
The Justin Bieber Love Doll, Tampon And Towel: Pictures
Posted: 30th, September 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
The Apprentice: Christopher Farrell Attacked As Amtwats Return
THE Apprentice is back on the telly and to celebrate it the tabloids are targeting the show’s first hate figure. There will be many. It’s not Sir Fred Goodwin. It’s Christopher Farrell.
The Star lead with news that Farrell once stood in a court while a brief alleged he “HIT WIFE WITH KNUCKLE DUSTER”. (That’s his wife Claire – and the allegation was not proved.)
Well, if Sure Alan has given your knuckledusters and told you to sell them to bailiffs, doormen and the WI you need to advertise their effectiveness, right? “Gis your money or I’ll smash yer face in” is a refreshing change to the usual talk of pink-sky thinking and the kind of corporate self-help book tosh uttered by this year’s knob supreme contestant Alex Epstein:
“I’m a maverick, I worked for a maverick, Sir Alan’s a maverick.”
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Posted: 30th, September 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
The Apprentice Is Back: Hate Is Good
THE Apprentice is almost underway. And with is comes the chance to despise every single contestants vying to crawl the furthest up SurAlan.
And already we have a front-runner. He’s called Alex Epstein. Says Alex:
“I’m a maverick, I worked for a maverick, Sir Alan’s a maverick.”
Hideous and wonderful stuff. And then there is Laura Moore. Laura is good at the violin, so any sob stories, she’s yer girl:
“I can get on with anyone. I can walk into a room of strangers and within five minutes I’ve made three friends.”
What about if only two strangers are in a very small room, Laura? Do you make friends with yourself?
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Posted: 30th, September 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Mobility Scooter Video Of The Day: The Carpet Carrier
IN today’s mobility scooter masterclass, the instructor tells you how to take a roll of carpet home…
Posted: 28th, September 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (3)
Australia’s Next Top Model: Model Sarah Murdoch Announces Wrong Winner (Video)
KELSEY Martinovich is Australia’s next Top Model. Yayyy! Oops! Sorry. Host Sarah Murdoch makes a correction and says that Amanda Ware is the winner. Yep, Murdoch is a model. And the news is that some of them aren’t all that bright.
The story goes that this was not A-grade model bitchiness but “miscommunication“. Kelsey has been given a $25,000 apology and more fame than a win would have earned her.
Amanda gets $20,000 cash, an eight-page Harper’s Bazaar spread, a modeling contract, a $25,000 Levi’s campaign, a car, and a trip to New York.
Take second and be the gallant loser. Martinovich will win in the long term.
And look out for Murdoch’s face – the head and skin never move. That, my friend, is a model under pressure..
Spotter: Stylebrity
Posted: 28th, September 2010 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment
