Strychnine Come Dancing: Jessie Wallace Declares War

JESSIE Wallace “EXPLODES”.

With Big Brother at an end, the Daily Star mans the news wires and looks elsewhere for news.

And it finds the sensation that Jessie Wallace, the former EastEnder starring as a trainer dancer on Strictly Come Dancing, has called model Jodie Kidd a “horse” and actress Cherie Lunghi a “snob”.

And when Jessie Wallace explodes, you’d best duck lest a sequin take an eye out. This is “war”.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5)

Mike Atherton On Cricket’s Establishment

QUOTE of the day: former England captain Mike Atheron on cricket’s future…

“Over time the less established players very often become more established” – Mike Atherton

More to follow…

Anorak

Posted: 20th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, TV & Radio | Comment

BBC Traders Series Seeks Ethical City Boys

THE City’s faulty and entirely ineffectual regulatory systems are not to blame for the money markets crash. All that singing Malteser, dried-up women and Brothers grim, Gordon Brown’s heroes.

Oh, not. It’s all those City traders and their short selling, which is not illegal. But, still, let’s ban it and then we can all sleep easy.

What we need is a new breed of trader. Death to the old.

History attests to the fact that financial crises bring out the worst in the masses, and the action taken by the FSA is nothing more than vigilante violence on a national scale. Problems in the economy? Let’s find a scapegoat. Too difficult to blame the real culprits? Let’s pick on a minority, surround their homes with flaming torches, and drive them out into the wilderness.

And in the nick of time, here’s the new BBC show. It’s call Traders. It features what TV nodding heads call “real people” – a housewife, a student and an ex-marine – trying to earn oodles of cash on a pretend trading floor.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Money, TV & Radio | Comments (3)

Tony Blair On The Daily Show

TONY BLair today starts his teaching career at Yale University, Euan Blair’s old haunt, , leading a seminar group on “faith and globalisation”.

Blair is participating in the “Faith and Globalization Initiative,” a three-year collaboration among Yale’s Divinity School, School of Management and the Tony Blair Faith Foundation.

Says John Stewart, on whose Daily Show tony is appearing to plug his product:

“Faith and globalization: Which side is winning?”

Tony:

“Bits of religion are very extreme, and the other you can see in the work that faith groups do to alleviate poverty and disease and do great things in the world,” Blair said. “So the question is, in the 21st century, which predominates: the good part that brings them together, or the bad part that pulls them apart?”

Or the bombs that allow God to sort it all out..?

Stewart: “Your relationship with George Bush seems .. inexplicable.”

Anorak

Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Politicians, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

The Paedo King Of London’s East End

THE Paedo King is upon us. He’s a new kind of paedo Leader. That; him in the picture, the star of the BBC’s fly-on-the soap EastEnders documentary.

People are up in arms. Or at least a person is: “Viewer fury over Enders paedo plot,” says the Sun.

The row comes as it was revealed actor Chris Coghill, 34, is under 24-hour police protection over fears he will be attacked for playing paedo King

Says the paedo king:

Anorak

Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

The Secret Of Pamela Anderson’s Figure Revealed

HOW did pneumatic Pamela Anderson get to look like that? As she reveals on This Morning:

“My kids keep me in shape”

Blow, boys, blow…

Anorak

Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Sky Viewers Pay For Noel Edmonds’ GCHQ

NOEL Edmonds has taken time out from his conversations with God to say he’d rather got to jail than pay his TV licence fee.

(Says one viewer of Deal Or No Deal: “Dead Anroak, I did not know that – 100% of FACT – One in every 10,000 boxes on Deal or No Deal says ‘Punch Noel Edmonds in the face.’”)

The Star says Edmonds already has one registered to his home address, so lags can rest easy.

Noel’s on Sky 1, infiltrating satellite dishes with his Noel’s HQ. It’s a version of his Noel’s House Party with the added blob of consumer advice and Noel telling us “the politicians have failed”. Now it’s Noel’s chance to rule the land.

It’s Noel’s GCHQ, and he’s listening.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

Her Pussy Is Stuck Down The Toilet

WOMAN’S pussy gets stuck down the toilet…

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (3)

How the BBC Affected The Forunes Of HBOS And Lloyds TSB

HBOS PLC, owners of the Halifax, and Lloyds TSB PLC are said toi be in advanced talks about a merger. We know this because the British Broadcasting Corp. says so.

Neither company would comment on what they called “market speculation.” BBC business editor Robert Peston said that the talks were “very advanced” and could be wrapped up this week.

A scoop? If so, a scoop in the financial markets that has not been confirmed. Which makes it a rumour. And rumours in the City can create problems, and fortunes.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 17th, September 2008 | In: Money, TV & Radio | Comments (6)

Big Brother Star In Double Murder Horror

BIG Brother “STAR FLEES BLOODY DOUBLE MURDER”. So says the Star.

How we hope that this crime was caught on CCTV. Better had it been enacted in the house for our entertainment, but, fingers crossed, maybe next time a hissy fit can escalate into something worth watching.

Hopefully Kate Lawler, Big Brother winner emeritus, can tell all when the media catches up with her. As the Star says, two people have been butchered and:

“The TV star fled as the young women die in a blood-drenched flat yards from her city apartment.”

Anorak

Posted: 17th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Big Brother’s Dale Milks Jen’s T*t

BY now you’ll be wondering what happened to Big Brother’s Jennifer Clark. And what of Dale?

Well, its turns out that they have been in bed, with each other, and now Dale emerges to tell us that their romance was “all about cash” and that Jen is a “money-grabbing tit”.

Dale, pictured topless, says that Jen was “probably getting naked to make money out of me”. How you make money out of Dale Howard is a point left moot.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

The Big Brother Cocaine Wrap Party

MORE front-page news on Rex Newmark, the boy whose daddy bought him Big Brother.

The Star says Nomark was surrounded by a “blizzard of drugs” after the show ended.

Well, they don’t call it a wrap party for nothing (geddit?)…

Anorak

Posted: 15th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Lewis Hamilton Stands Up At The Italian Grand Prix

OVERHEARD on TV: It’s the Italian Grand Prix and Lewis Hamilton is go… Go… Go!!!!

“Would the real Lewis Hamilton please stand up” – James Allen, ITV

But how will his feet reach the pedals..?

Anorak

Posted: 14th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, TV & Radio | Comments (3)

No Point To The Big Brother Lust Triangle

PSST! Wanna see a short, sarcastic ginger bloke having sex with a drippy assisted blonde who likes to moan?

Stay tuned then, because the Star’s font page threatens: “BIG BROTHER REX’S SECRET SEX TAPE.”

Readers learn that viewers will soon be able to see “ALL” of the action that Big Brother cut from the show.

Anorak

Posted: 12th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5)

Overheard On TV: Clare Balding Straddles The BBC’s Red Button

Overheard on TV: The BBC’s Steve Cram at the Paralympics:

“As I said Clare will be back on the red button very, very shortly – Steve Cram.

Back in the saddle for our Clare Balding…

Anorak

Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, TV & Radio | Comment

Overheard On TV: Jeremy Kyle Asks…

OVERHEARD on TV: Jeremy Kyle on the Jeremy Kyle show:

Jeremy Kyle: How to you handle the fact your girlfriend is out there sleeping with 30 or 40 men a week.

Bear in cage: She’s not my girlfriend any more

More insights from the media to follow…

Anorak

Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (14)

War On Wannabe: Big Brother Chooses Its Biggest Weapon

HAVING survived the Hadron Collider (for now), we are now to endure the “WAR” of the Big Brother “BABES”.

For those of you who watched big Brother, it might come as some shock to know that it featured actual babes and not just the slappers ordinaire, of which reality TV has an endless vat.

But know that drippy blonde Nicole Cammack is a babe, and so too is radioactive Stephanie McMichael.

They are at “WAR”, as the Star’s front page screams, and the chosen weapon is Rex Newmark.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

Judy Finnigan Replaces Fern Britton On This Morning

FERN Britton is the Express’s blonde-cover-du-jour.

And get a load of that gastric band, which seems to have pushed Lyvita Fern’s famous tum-tum all the way up into her bra.

“Fern’s curves cause rather a stir on TV,” says the Express. And for those of you circling life’s plug hole – journalists, the institutionalised and those waiting in a Dorset garage for their car to be fixed (don’t ask) – it is nothing short of sensation.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Big Brother Slapper Hits Out

WHAT news of Rex Newmark, Stephanie McMichael and Nicole Cammack? Who they?

How soon you forget, gentle reader. They are the Big Brother stars of whom the Daily Star brings welcome news.

The good news is that all are alive and as well as can be expected. The other news is that Rex, a protean Diddy Hamilton meets Rick Astley, has “sensationally” spent the night with the aforesaid Steph, who looks not enough unlike a boil washed Sandra Bernhardt.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)

Did Heather Mills Lie On Her Apprentice CV?

THANKS to the Sun we know that Heather Mills will not be appearing on the Celebrity Apprentice.

Mills will not be taking a pointy finger form Donald Trump, eh of the tsunami hair, as she is fired for failing to sell musical knickers at the televised fiscal-celebrity interface.

The Sun says this is because Lady Heather wanted a clause in her contract that ensured she would be in the show’s final.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (8)

Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Jamie Oliver And A Battery Farmed Prince Charles

CELEBRITY Quote of the day: Jamie Oliver And A Battery Farmed Prince Charles.

Prince Charles thanks Jamie Oliver for rekindling children’s interest…in food. Says Oliver’s spokesman:

“He is as much a fan of his Royal Highness as HRH is of him.”

Rex Newmark has his work cut out…

Anorak

Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Royal Family, TV & Radio | Comment

Big Brother’s Rex Wants To Be More Hated Than Jamie Oliver

BIG Brother’s REX Newsmark is “HATED”. Anorak asked the typing pool to make a list of the most hated people in the UK. They came up with:

• Jamie Oliver
• Noel Edmonds
• Naomi Campbell
• Osama bin Laden
• Rex Newmark
• Gary Glitter
• Gordon Brown
• Nicole Cammack
• The French
• Anthea Turner

Indeed, Rex is hated. The star is right, as ever. And here Rex tells us:

Anorak

Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Russell Brand’s Retarded Call For World President Obama

THE BBC is leading with news of MTV’s 25th annual Video Music Awards.

It features Britney Spears, and the news that she didn’t do anything newsworthy, and Russell Brand, the try-hard comedian and watered down Jerry Sadowitz.

Brand has got his big break. What will risqué, outrageous, cray-zee Russell do? And note that the man whose style he apes began a show in Canada with “Hell Moose-f*****s” and a gig for anti-racism with “Nelson Mandela… What a ****!”

Says Russell Brand:

“Please, America, elect Barack Obama. On behalf of the world.”

Anorak

Posted: 8th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, TV & Radio | Comments (39)

Benefit TV: Jeremy Kyle Gets Britain Working

IT’S Jeremy Kyle Gets Britain Working. In between adverts for women slipping on floors, men falling off ladders and Carol Vorderman selling cheap debt, Kyle will be abusing those on benefits.

This may indeed be the break back into daytime telly Voderman’s been waiting for as she uses her tight skirt (surely massive brain? –Ed) to work out how much the layabout on stage has cost Britain‘s hard working people.

You know, the grafters, like the ones spending their day sat in a TV studio baying for blood.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (9)

Litvinenko Fails To Shine At The Eurovision Dance Contest

RING! Ring! “Hi, Graham Norton, it’s your agent. This Saturday night it’s the Eurovision Dance Contest and we want you to present.

“You need to introduce the UK to the panel of Barbara Nagode Ambroz and Bert Traut without laughing or waving a phallus. You free?”

No shock to learn that Norton is available. And so too is Claudia Winkleman, who has come dressed as a fifteen year old at a private members’ club, or an extra on Babestation.

Are your ready for 14 acts doing Chico Time in various states of frenzy? This is endurance telly. This is the Eurovison Dance Contest. As Nietzsche wrote, there is no feast without a tragedy.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, September 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (3)