TV & Radio Category
Television and radio programme reviews, trailers, highlights, twilights and cinema news. Also the neglected gems from years past.
The Millennials Are Among Us
BRANDING people – the Millennials:
Posted: 27th, May 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
The Eurovision Song CONtest
ARENTCHAJUSTSICK of Eurovison.
Too right the Mirror calls it a EuroCON. It’s “blurred vision”, says the paper’s TV watcher.
“Let’s get out of Eurovision,” says the Mirror, and its readers agree as the paper broadcasts their letters.
“Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh-why?!” (as the Mirror readers and Malta’s entry chime) do we continue with this face, which is a damning indictment of…
Continue for another year…
Posted: 27th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (11)
Big Brother: Elstree And Bust
BIG Brother is nearly upon us and the star herald the TV happening with the “sexiest ever house!”
Some disappointment for Star readers to find that the house is not fashioned into the shape of a pair of open legs with a chimney shaped like a gigantic penis, or the extension moulded to resemble Danielle Lloyd, the Big Brother bully who poses topless “for the first time”.
Inside the paper, there’s Danielle cradling her latest bust lest it work itself loose, and saying how her own flat has recently featured in the TV show MTV Cribs. Viewers will find her bedroom, shaped like a footballer’s jockstrap, unforgettable.
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Posted: 27th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
A Velvet Curtain Has Fallen Across Eurovision
THE Eurovision votes are in and we can confirm that the toe-tapping hit (insert name here) by (ditto) came bottom.
Says Terry Wogan in the Sun: “You have to say that this is no longer a music contest. Western European participants have to decide whether they want to take part from here on in, because their prospects are poor.”
Wogan rightly poo-poos the notion that Russians can sing better, than, the syncopated Irish (“Drag acts and bad acts and Terry Wogan’s wig
Mad acts and sad acts, it was Johnny Logan’s gig”) or the Maltese (“Vodka that’s the secret word/ VODKA and they want it so bad / VODKA I’ve deciphered the code / Got a rush in the head VODKA / A transparent word.”)
Compare them to Russia’s winning entry, as sung by Dima Bilan, who seems to have taken the “BELIEVE” message held aloft by Manchester United fans in Moscow for the Champions League final and run with it:
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Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)
Moral Missionaries: Sarah Ferguson, Jamie Oliver And Richard & Judy’s Life On Earth
SARAH Ferguson is living with people in Hull on the telly. She even managed to find a family of copper tops to make her paper more at home, but it just ends up looking like a patronising version of the Prince and the Pauper.
Every morning Sarah says she wakes up feeling fat, ugly and disgusting, as opposed to disgusting, fat and ugly, like those lucky sods in Hull who are too ignorant to notice let alone mind.
But Sarah will show them how repugnant they truly are. She’s the missionary teaching the godless to feel shame for their bad eating habits and for looking bad naked.
Now Jamie Oliver tells one and all: “I am now living lives with people in Rotherham who don’t have cooking in their lives. I want them to fall in love with cooking.”
Oliver wants the sad and stupid to see how wrong they are, to feel shame and experience the sweet sting of epiphany over some sun dried polenta stir fry.
And then there’s Richard and Judy contemplating a week-long visit to Dewsbury Moor.
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Posted: 25th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Royal Family, TV & Radio | Comments (3)
Denise Richards Is Like A Pig In Shi*
DENISE Richards is the star of “DENISE RICHARDS: IT’S COMPLICATED” .
The review:
Denise Richards’ life is one steaming pile of pig poop.
Literally.
Posted: 25th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment
Weezer’s YouTube All Stars
WEEZER’S video for their song Pork and Beans fearues the YouTube all stars:
Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
The Man Who Has Sex With Cars
IT’S stopped snowing on Channel Five. The image has cleared to reveal a burly man having relations with his current “girlfriend”. John Prescott? It’s not Chris Donald.
No, that’s a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, and Prescott would not be seen dead with one of those.
It’s American Edward Smith dating a German model, but since British Leyland curled up its toes, what chance of him loving us? And Rover was ever a dog.
“I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love,” says Mr Smith, star of My Car Is My Lover is on Five.
“Maybe I’m a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it’s just wonderful. I’m a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what’s in my heart and I have no desire to change.”
And lest you mistake him for a freak, he assures one and all: “I’m not sick and I don’t want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference.”
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Posted: 22nd, May 2008 | In: Strange But True, TV & Radio | Comments (5)
Fake TV Burglar Prevention: Cheaper Than The BBC
FakeTV Burglar Deterrent Device.
FakeTV accurately simulates the light output of a real television. The effect of scene changes, fades, swells, flicks, on-screen motion, and color changes look just they came from a real TV. From outside the house, it looks just like someone is watching a real television. The potential burglar thinks the home must be occupied, so he moves on to an easier target.
I watched one for hours – cheaper thn the BBC!
Posted: 22nd, May 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (4)
Jade’s Show: Jade Goody Returns To TV
NEWS of Jade Goody in the Sun. And the news is that Jade is being lined up for a return to frontline telly work,
“TELLY bosses” at Living TV are said to be looking at news ideas for Goody.
So far, the channel has featured Jade’s Salon (a search for Jade’s beauty salon) and Jade’s PA (a search for Jade’s assistant).
New ideas include:
Jade’s Bile (a camera is implanted inside Jade’s bile duct and Jade’s gut reaction is gauged as she is confronted by people of different creeds and colours)
Jade’s Buttons (Jade Goody opens her heart and her button box and tells an interesting story behind each button. In show one Jade returns to Faces nightclub in Essex and recalls losing a brown button in a fracas with Danielle Lloyd)
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Posted: 20th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)
Help For Heroes: ‘The Real Winners Are The Dogs’
OVER in Iraq, our boys are stapping on fat suits playing Beating the Dog.
The aim of the game is to see how far you can run before an alsation savages your arm. It’s all for the Help for Heroes charity and should not be confused with recreation, chiefly because there is no piece of lit toilet paper trailing from the runner’s backside.
“Everyone wants to have a go. We’re fully booked for the next three weeks,” says Captain Martyn Thompson, commanding officer of the military working dogs unit at Camp Bastion in Helmand province. “Around 50 people have done it, donating around £5 each. The record is around 45 metres.”
To the winning dog the spoils. To the loser, a job with the US Army.
Posted: 19th, May 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (4)
Hadron Collider Used To Bring Satan Back
THE Hadron Collider opens a stargate to allow Satan to return:
Posted: 18th, May 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (67)
Jacqui Smith: How To Take Drugs And Get Away With It
SAYS JACQUI Smith, the Home Secretary: “Under my own guidelines, had I been caught in possession over 18 I should have been charged.”
Smith has admitted to having smoked cannabis a “few times”, but assures a caller to the radio show she’s talking on that it was “a lengthy period ago”.
Although what with the schizophrenic properties of weed, she cannot be certain when it was exactly, and neither can she.
(Picture: Beau Bo D’Or Website)
Smith made a note of it somewhere, and passed over the file to a data management company for safe keeping, but they’ve mislaid it and now there is a lack of proof about whatever it was she was saying earlier.
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Posted: 15th, May 2008 | In: Politicians, TV & Radio | Comments (3)
Dr Who Fans In Knitting Row
THE BBC makes money from Dr Who. The BBC is paid for by us. So where’s our money? And do we all own Dr Who?
A Doctor Who fan is embroiled in a row with the BBC after she published knitting patterns for the sci-fi drama’s monsters on the internet.
The patterns of Ood and Adipose were removed from her website after the BBC’s commercial arm complained that they breached its copyright.
But the woman said the corporation was “making an example of her”.
A BBC Worldwide spokesman said it was not “heavy-handed” with “genuine fans of the show”, but that it had to act in the interest of licence-fee payers.
“If you don’t protect your trademark, it’s taken away from you. And Doctor Who is massive for the BBC. It’s up to us to earn money from it so we can re-invest it in the BBC,” he said.
Don’t reinvest – redistribute…
Posted: 14th, May 2008 | In: Money, TV & Radio | Comment
Brown Sugar: Gordon Brown Is Alan Sugar’s Apprentice
WELCOME to Junior PM, the show in which Gordon Brown takes on the guise of Sir Alan Sugar in The Apprentice and looks for a new protégé.
Indeed, the Mail says Hazel Blears, the shrill Communities Secretary, has been “told that the scheme would make the Prime Minister ‘more popular than Alan Sugar’”.
That’s the dream. Gordon has been learning to fold his arms “like he means it” and begins sentences with hard-faced observations such as “My motto is…”, “I’m a go getter…” and “If anyone stands in my way I will stomp on their throat”. But Brown’s Sugar Scowl makes him look just glum.
But it’s a ten-part plan, and the first target will be to make Brown more popular than David Cameron, or Andrew Lloyd Webber, the fidgety host of TV talent show I’d Do Anything.
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Posted: 14th, May 2008 | In: Politicians, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Celebrity Big-ot Brother Stomps Back
CELEBRITY Big Brother is set for a “sensational comeback”.
So says the Sun.
Happy days for all of us who enjoy watching frontline bigotry on the telly.
And Anorak can exclusively reveal that the new house will be a real house, in which the inhabitants will be invited to pay the bills, make repairs and arrange a mortgage.
And with responsibility comes the right to vote.
Sadly, it’s too late for the recent local elections of course, and the Big Brother bigots have missed out on a block vote for the BNP.
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Posted: 13th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Being Spoonfed By The Nannying BBC
SAYS Stephen Pollard: “If the BBC was given charge of a three star Michelin restaurant, it would puree all the food and feed it to its customers through straws.”
Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)
GodTube: Looking For Porn With Jesus
GOD Tube features a flip-through Bible and prayer blogs. It has received a $30 million investment from GLG Partners, a London hedge fund.
The investment valued GodTube at nearly $150 million, according to PaidContent.org. GodTube is ownded by Big Jump Media.
“People thirst for more than just a once-a-week relationship with the Lord and Savior,” says Jason Illian, Big Jump Media’s chief strategy officer in the NY Times. “They desire something that they can live out 24/7.”
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Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (5)
Madonna Wants Us To Jump And F*** For Planet Earth
WHEN Madonna stood on the Live 8 pulpit and told us, “If you want to save the planet I want you to start jumping up and down. Come on motherf*****”, we jumped.
We have now jumped 54,982 times. If we stop jumping the planet will die.
Anorak set about petitioning World Wildlife Fund to approve a cull of all carbon exhaling creatures that cannot jump, such as elephants, babies and Peter Crouch.
Now Madonna has issued another withering cry. In a concert broadcast over the BBC, the popstar tells us: “You guys are going to have to start f***ing it up out there ‘cos I need to feel some love.”
Jumping and fucking it up at once is no easy thing, not least of all for anyone who has trouble patting their had and rubbing their tummies at the same time.
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Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5)
Man Saves Own Life With Steak Knife
IF you had to, what would you do to save your life? This? This? This…
Posted: 11th, May 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (6)
Greatest Simpsons Celebrity Apearances
No mention of Adam West as Himself?
Posted: 11th, May 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
BBC Pun Of The Day: Great Tits And Global Warming
THIS is the most popular story on the BBC website right now: “Great tits cope well with warming”
Posted: 10th, May 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Gordon Brown Says A Briton Invented The iPod
GORDON Brown’s big tent has a soundtrack. It’s the Arctic Monkeys on his iPod. It’s the theme song to Ben 10.
Or is it the last post? Watching Gordon Brown is painful. You just hope the tears hurry up and come and we can all move on.
Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: Politicians, TV & Radio | Comments (4)
We Woz Robbied: Williams And Ant ‘n’ Dec’s TV Fix
ANT (left) and Dec (right) are holding a small statuette (centre).
They are the happy winners of a British Comedy Award for their Saturday night show Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway. It’s 2005, and the Peoples’ Choice Award – voted by you, the People – is theirs.
But they haven’t won, not really. It’s just that Robbie Williams wants to present them with an award so ITV have fixed the vote to ensure they win and that Williams enlivens another televised showbiz AGM.
It’s the Star’s front-page news: “ANT ‘N’ DEC TV AWARD FIXED – Show is fiddled to keep Robbie Williams happy.”
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Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
