The Apprentice: Alan Sugar’s Robotic Fingers And Booster Seat

NEWS is that Sir Alan Sugar may use his pointy finger to make himself appear taller.

The Apprentice reject Jenny Celerier tells Virgin Radio host Christian O’Connell: “I did notice when he got on to his chair he did a sort of little jump to get on to it.”

When pressed on the subject of child booster seats, Ms Clerier mused: “I’m saying he might do.”

Sir Alan stands at 5ft 6ins, but with his finger extended in “You’re fired” mode, he elongates to 5ft 10ins.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (2)

Green Porno Is Creating A Buzz In The Art World

ISABELLA Rossellini talks about her eight one-minute long Green Porno films premiering at the 2008 Sundance Film Festival.

The films are self-consciously odd, an overly arty attempt to create, well, buzz. It is the kind of art that people in the know call “important”, lest the rest of us think it unimportant and utterly trite and mistake the scenes for outtakes from the old Batman show.

Rossellini is exploring sex in way that presents her as anything but sexy.

The videos are bad, one would say they are crap. But those in the know would say they were a talking point and so worthy. They are making the world sit up and notice how a YouTube clip can be art, in much the same way that Deal Or No Deal makes us wonder about the state of the country’s mental health.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, May 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Coronation Street Does Josef Fritzl

MATTHEW Crompton WILL film Coronation Street’s “shocking CELLAR storyline”, says the Sun.

TV “bosses” have decided to KEEP the story “despite Austrian devil dad Josef Fritzl’s dungeon hitting the headlines”.

Good job Corrie’s storyline didn’t before Fritzl’s crimes came to light, and the show thus forced to answer some awkward question.

Crompton, who plays bookmaker Dan Mason, could do worse than ask Elisabeth Fritzl for her advice as he gets into character…

Anorak

Posted: 7th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (9)

Hot Air: Richard Littlejohn V Polly Tonybee

RICHARD Littlejohn versue “pet” Polly Tonybee on the BBC.

Is there a third way?

Anorak

Posted: 5th, May 2008 | In: Money, Politicians, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (11)

Can You Hear Me Mr Hoon, A Sad Man Tonight

NEW Labour is undone. Old Labour is undone.

Can you hear me Mr Hoon?

Labour in all its guises is undone. And Mr Geoff Hoon, the Labour Party’s Chief Whip, is talking with Mr Dimbleby of the BBC.

Can you hear me Mr Hoon?

Cue the sar-car-sm:

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, May 2008 | In: Politicians, TV & Radio | Comment

I’d Do Anything: Lloyd-Webber’s Finger Prongs And Jessie’s Third Person

GOODBYE Keisha. Or so long, farewell, cheery-o, Keisha, as the Olivers would sing it.

After more flirtations with disaster than Peter Stringfellow’s thong, Keisha was finally introduced to the wrong side of the stage door.

Having sung a song against Niamh (3-1 to leave this weekend), Andrew Lloyd Webber made his choice: “Thank goodness I can get rid of one of you losers.”

Only joking. Said Lloyd–Webber: “First, I’m going to say this is a complete and utter travesty, neither of you should be in the bottom two, it’s completely wrong…I’ve been put into a situation that I have never wanted to be in. For the first time on a television show, I am angry.”

You won’t like AGW when he’s angry. It’s hard to like him when he’s mute. He’s taken to doing something peculiar with his fingers. When down to the final two he uses the digits as a two-pronged fork to stab at the agonists.

Being stagy types, you’d expect one of them to offer a mock recoil and fall to the boards with an “Alas, poor Webber, I knew him” or, given the losers’ future career options in panto, a grizzly “The apple is poisoned”.

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, May 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (6)

Amanda Holden On Simon Cowell And Her Kidzzz

SAYS Amanda Holden, Britain’s Got Talent’s lachrymose, avalable-looking office girl-in-residence of Simon Cowell:

“I love Simon but he really isn’t interested in anyone except himself. I can chat to Piers about my family but Simon’s happiest talking about work.

“I tell him about Lexi and he honestly could not be less interezzzzted…”

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (21)

American Idol Carrie Underwood Is The Dentists’ Choice

WHEN Carrie Underwood was voted American Idol version 2391b a world of opportunity opened up for her.

Underwood has been voted “Smile of the Year” by one of America’s top half dozen leading dentistry magazines.

She has arrived.

Carrie says “Fnph gnuf lopikishy”, and the dentist with his forefinger and thumb in her mouth blushes.

He then asks her where she’s off to on holiday, tells her he feeds his tropical fish on his homemade fish food recipe, and that he hopes in 20 years time his patients will still be reading about Carrie’s wonderful, if slightly dog-eared, smile…

Spotter 

Anorak

Posted: 30th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (10)

The BBC’s Orwellian Nightmare

THE BBC attack dog barks thirteen:

Anorak

Posted: 30th, April 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Paula Abdul’s American Idol Tribute To Albert Hoffman

AMERICAN Idol requires the judges to pass judgement when every contestant has sung one song.

Paula Abdul listens to agonist Jason Castro. He sings one song:

“Oh gosh, we’ve never had to write these things down … fast enough,” says Abdul. “Jason, first song, I loved hearing your lower register, which we never really hear, um….

“…The second song, I felt like your usual charm wasn’t – it was missing for me. It kind of left me a little empty.”

Indeed.

Anorak

Posted: 30th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment

Amnesty’s Waterboarding Video

THAT Amnesty International waterboarding video:

Anorak

Posted: 29th, April 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

All Beggars Are Middle-Class White Girls: Fact

AN investigation on tabloid TV involves journalists sitting around watching a woman begging.

Yes, they are being paid.

Yes, they are professional.

Yes, need money to get home.

This is their story… 

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Gemma Atkinson Is Made In China

GEMMA Atkinson has endured a “death-defying walk” along the Great Wall of China, all 42 miles of it.

And how did she survive “sheer clifftops”, “perilous valleys” and ancient Chinese stone cladding? Says the Star: “Thanks to her jungle training on I’m A Celebrity.”

But knowing how to change a toilet roll in an open-air studio might not be enough. And, as luck had it, also on the walk was Cliff Richard, a camera crew and Olivia Newton-John.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)

Sky Watch: Ian Wright On The ‘Sinister’ BBC’s Licence Fee

SKY WATCH- Anorak’s occasional look at plugs in Rupert Murdoch’s newspapers for Rupert Murdoch’s Sky TV.

Ian Wright, former BBC football pundit and Sun columnists, is talking about the BBC:

“They put out these sinister adverts about what will happen if you don’t pay the licence fee, then serve up a load of rubbish… If reality dancing shows aren’t your thing then tough luck.

“It’s all right for me because I can pay the licence fee and still afford to pay for Sky”

Should the licence fee be abolished? Rupert..?

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)

Madleine McCann: Rachel Oldfield Knows, Doctors And Gerry McCann

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann

DAILY MAIL: “Stop the carnival” 

It’s Richard Littlejohn:

I’ve always been uneasy about the media carnival, but figured if that’s what got her parents through the night, what business was it of mine.

However, one year on, there’s something distasteful about the continuing round of claim and counter-claim, blame and counter-blame.

Gerry and Kate McCann should be left alone with their demons, with our sympathy, and not live out their guilt in public any longer. The police and the private detectives should be left to get on with their job.

The Tapas Seven, the McCanns’ PR man, the professional ghouls should all keep their theories to themselves.

And their opinions?

DAILY MIRROR: “Rachael Oldfield of the Tapas Seven breaks her silence over McCann’s torment”

Tapas Seven? And why speak now?

Rachael Oldfield, a 36-year-old recruitment consultant, said: “I was there on the night. I spent time with Gerry and Kate during the week before May 3 and after.

What happened? 

“Their emotions and their reactions were just agonising. There’s just no way they were involved in anything to do with Madeleine’s disappearance.

“If you take the common sense approach and look at timings and the fact they are medics and there are four other medics in the group, they would know what to do to resuscitate a child.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (1,828)

Madeleine McCann: Rachel Oldfield

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann

BBC Radio: Rachael Oldfield, who was with Kate and Gerry McCann in Portugal, is on the radio. Says she:

“We were made to understand we could face two years in prison for speaking out, so as a group we’ve not said anything from day one.

But people did talk? And there was a spokesperson?

“And there have been all these rumours flying around and leaks from sources close to the PJ [the Policia Judiciaria – Portuguese police].”

Asked to characterise police actions, she replied: “Well, double standards. They leaked information and these rumours which have flown around for the past year…

“We would have loved to have put the record straight.”

What of Robert Murat?

Separately, a senior figure in Portugal with direct knowledge of the investigation has told a BBC Radio 4 documentary there is only a slim chance of murder or manslaughter charges being filed against Kate and Gerry McCann or Robert Murat, the third arguido.

LEICESTER MERCURY: “‘LIGHT A CANDLE FOR MADDY'”

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, TV & Radio | Comments (651)

That Chanelle Hayes And Danny DeVito Sex Tape In Full

WHAT odds on there being a Chanelle Hayes sex tape? And what odds it being released/ found/ stolen by builders in the run up to Big Brother?

The odds would be slimmer than Victoria Beckham in a rake factory.

So here is the Chanelle Hayes sex tape, as broadcast by the Daily Star. Or not.

The video has sent the internet into “meltdown”. We shall have to make do with a few stills form it that the Star managed to grab.

And we see Chanelle having it off with – shock of shocks – Danny De Vito.

The Star, somewhat cruelly, says the other party is a puppet being used to promote a new telly show called Fur TV.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Jodie Marsh

SAYS Jodie Marsh to GMTV’s Lorraine Kelly:

“You know what, I’ll tell you the honest truth – because I did have quite big boobs, natural big boobs and, as any woman with big boobs knows, they don’t stay pert and firm forever – they don’t. ­­And of course, when gravity takes it toll, you’re left with boobs that really only look good in a push up bra – which is what mine had become. And I’d got to a point where I was like, I want them to look like this all the time, I don’t want to have to keep pushing them up.”

Better yet, the 29-year-old Jodie also told her plastic surgeon she “didn’t want them to be ridiculous.“

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (5)

Britain’s Got Talent: Dwarf Sinatra Impersonator Charlie Green

ALL hail Charlie Green, vying with Pie Jesu singer-du-jour Andrew Johnston to be the winner of TV’s Britain’s Got Talent.

Here’s Charlie singing Summer Wind, billed in the Mail as a “Sinatra classic”.

That’s right, it’s the classic Fiona Sinatra tune that you can’t quite recall. The melody goes like this: ta-ra-ra-ra-ta-tum-tum-ta. The lyrics go like this:

The summer wind, came blowin in – from across the sea
It lingered there, so warm and fair – to walk with me
All summer long, we sang a song – and strolled on golden sand
Two sweethearts, and the summer wind

What odds that Charlie is not really aged 10 but Little Frank, a dwarf Frank Sinatra impersonator who has struggled to get work ever since bigger Frank faced his final curtain?

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)

The Next! Big Brother

BIG Brother is almost upon us, and with the Star’s summer news agenda.

“BIG BRO BATTLE OF THE ASBOS,” screams the paper’s foremost headline. “Sex and violence as 16 chavs go in.”

Can it be that Big Brother is now a holding baby for chavs, CCTV in colour?

Says one insider: “With so many people waiting to burst through those doors at Elstree TV Studios, it’ll be like the January sales at Next!”

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Hating Bruce Forsythe And Sharing Harry Hill’s Joke

FRESH back from the BAFTAS, TV’s AGM and awards do, we learn that Bruce Forsythe has won a “Fellowship Award”.

“TV veteran Brucie steals gong show,” says the Mirror, with unnecessary cruelty. If the BAFTA members want to give Bruce a long-service medal, then so be it. We would say that he not steal it so much as earned it, although Des O’Connor may disagree.

“It’s impossible not to like Bruce Forsythe,” says the Mirror’s TV watcher Jim Shelley. Impossible? Nothing of it. The trick is to picture Bruce throttling your pet dog, repeatedly running over a dear family member or marrying Anthea Turner. You can learn to hate him.

“If you like TV, you’ve got to like Bruce Forsythe,” says Shelley.

Or like Harry Hill’s TV Burp, the show in which Hill takes the rise out of TV programmes and TV stars and gets a laugh.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (8)

The End Of TV: Vinnie Jones’ Toughest Cops

ITV$ is to feature: Vinnie Jones’ Toughest Cops, the footballer-turned-actor is investigating “the extremes the world’s police forces have to go to in order to maintain law and order”.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Coronation Street Gail’s Lord Of The Dance

Coronation Street Gail’s Lord Of The Dance:

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Trisha Goddard: My Cancer Drug Teen Asbo Hell

TRISHA Godard, presenter of bear-baiting TV show Trisha, has cancer.

Or, rather, she had cancer, and is now speaking to the Mirror about her surgery and recovery.

It’s a story worthy of a front-page exclusive.

It’s the Sun’s “TRISHA REVEALS HOW HUSBAND HELPS HER BATTLE CANCER” and the Mail’s “I can win this cancer fight, says Trisha”…

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

Superman Is A Racist Car Dealer: Curse You Super Don

SUPERMAN is a racist car dealer from Illinois. Well, everyone has to earn a living…

Anorak

Posted: 17th, April 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment