TV & Radio Category
Television and radio programme reviews, trailers, highlights, twilights and cinema news. Also the neglected gems from years past.
Black Mondays: Credit Crunch Hits Big Brother Winner
BY now you are wondering what happened to Bez, the gibbering, vibrating dancer from the Happy Mondays band who won Celebrity Big Brother.
News in the Mirror is that he’s bankrupt.
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Posted: 17th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
I’d Do Anything: Jessie’s Innit And Betting Odds
TA-RA, Tara.
Tara had given full throat to the pop tune Let’s Hear It For The Boy. Well, not quite. Tara had been ill, so injecting her performance with a sympathetic back story.
Anyone who saw her performance, an end-of-the-pier rendition of Let’s Hear It For The Boy may have wonder how Tara had been afflicted. Had her legs gone, so explaining her dancing, which seemed to have been inspired in equal parts by the Maori Haka and the Honey Monster Two-Step?
It turned out that Tara had had a cold in “da dose”.
“I’m just not sure you’d be able to do eight shows a week,” said Andrew Lloyd-Webber, who seems to be auditioning for the part of the Child Snatcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Andrew was left with no choice but to wave a fond adieu to “the lovely, cheeky, poppy” Tara, whose head-to-head with Keisha took in a rendering of the Wizard Of Oz classic Somewhere Over The Rainbow, uniquely sung in melodic shades of grey.
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Posted: 16th, April 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Cher Chanelle Hayes Is Back On Big Brother
IF CHANELLE Hayes has proved on thing it is that Andy Warhol was wrong when he said: “In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.”
Ok, maybe not wrong, just not specific enough. When the future begins was not detailed, but it cannot come soon enough.
Know that, Big Brother alumnus Chanelle has been famous for almost a year.
Star readers can recognise her by her first name alone – a nominal fame that even the singer Cher (born Cherilyn) manufactured – and by the curve of her backside (again something Cher was forced to make up).
Both name and bum feature on the paper’s front page. And there’s a headline promise that Chanelle is “back in the BB house”.
In the house, Chanelle poses in her knickers and bra. Some would say there is little mystery with Chanelle, with it all hanging out. But no. There is much debate at Anorak Towers as to whether Chanelle removes her clothes to reveal her knickers and bra combo or walks about naked pulling on her undies when a camera approaches?
Answers on a chicken fillet to the usual address.
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Posted: 16th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
12 People Arrested In Murder Of Rhys Jones
RHYS Jones was shot in the head. Rhys Jones was aged 11.
Says the BBC:
Twelve people have been arrested in connection with the murder of Liverpool schoolboy Rhys Jones.
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Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (3)
Pie Jeus, There Are Eleven Andrew Johnstons
MORE news on Andrew Johnston, the UK’s latest Pie Jesu singing sensation.
In the Mirror, readers get to hear from Andrew Johnston Senior, who says that he’s not been the best dad, hasn’t seen his boy since December, but hopes to help his namesake realise his dream of winning TV’s Britain’s Got Talent, marrying a Welsh rugby player, having a baby and dying his skin orange.
Ooops! Sorry. That’s Pie Jesu singer Charlotte Church’s career to date.
Young Andrew is his own man. Indeed. Andrew is eleven young men having been named Andrew Aaron Lewis Patrick Brannock John Grieve Michael Robert Oscar Schmidt Johnston.
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Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)
BBC Thefts Account For BBC3 And Robert Kilroy-Silk
NEWS just in that the BBC has been “hit by £350,000 thefts”.
The Mail’s report is no slight on Anthea Turner’s wages, but a comment on the 73 computers, 39 phones, camera equipment, Famous Five cassettes, a Holby City ladder, food and drink, and a good luck card that were stolen from the BBC last year.
A BBC source says this is no sign of a crimewave and that the figures are small given the number of staff employed by the corporation.
But if it’s not nailed down it can be stolen. And you viewers can play your part in keeping the BBC safe. We urge you to watch BBC3 lest is be stolen in the dead of the night.
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Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Andrew Johnston Eats Pie Jesu
WHEN Charlotte Church sang Pie Jesu on TV’s Big Big Talent Show, a nation wept.
We’d heard it before of course, when former Mrs Andrew Lloyd-Webber Sarah Brightman sang it; when pubescent snowman Aled Jones sang it; when Madonna sang American Pie; when every keen –to-get-along child sang it.
So here’s Andrew Johnston singing it on TV’s Britain’s Got Talent. He’s the “schoolboy who sang away the bullying bullies.” Young 13-year-old Johnston says he has been bullied for singing but will not be stopped.
And Johnston’s sympathetic backstory does end there. The Mail says he lives on a council estate…in the north of England. He lives there with his mother. His father left when he was eight-months old. “On occasion she had to feed her children on bread and milk.”
Sweet Jesus, how can this boy not win? Only a godless, child-hating swine would not vote for him to be Britain’s Most Talented Pie Jesu singer of the year.
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Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (30)
Gordon Brown On American Idol: Malaria No More
GORDON Brown is on American Idol. Really…
Really…
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Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (3)
Madonna’s Live Earth Rain Dance Works
“IF you want to save the planet I want you to start jumping up and down. Come on motherf*****,” says Madonna to her Live Earth audience.
We jump. A few jump and talk on the phone. They call the BBC and complain that the language broadcast is foul.
The Mail says that the BBC, received calls from more then 100 viewers. Ofcom says the BBC broke the rule and must apologise.
But what fo the jumping? It seems to have worked. The BBC says that the UK is facing a wet and warm summer this year.
The Express (Global warming? No it’s getting COLDER”), says the world has cooled down in recent years.
Keep jumping. It’s a motherf******* rain dance…
Posted: 10th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment
Gordon Brown Is Not Ben 10
GORDON Brown is talking on the local radio in Oxford.
The Sun tunes in. It hears and that the PM can’t get the theme song for children’s TV show Ben 10 out of his head.
No, not Ben No.10. Gordon Brown would not stoop to dog whistle politics, tapping into listeners’ subconscious.
This is Ben 10, the character created by a company called Man of Action. This is Ben 10 who finds a device that gives him the ability to transform into a variety of life forms, each with their own unique powers. He can be all things to all people.
This is Ben 10, who encounters Kevin, a sociopath with flicky hair who eventually morphs into a hideous amalgam of Ben’s original ten forms. Kevin teams up with the yellowy Vilgax, and together they try to do down Ben 10.
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Posted: 10th, April 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Chanelle Hayes Wants It But Doesn’t Have It
BIG news in the world of popular music as Chanelle Hayes, Big Brother alumni, releases her debut single, a track called I Want It.
It features the line:
“I’ve got something that you’d like to know,
I’m a sexy lady,
Drive your crazy
Make your bedroom mo-ho”
No doubt that Chanelle would drive us crazy, stark raving mad, even. To test the theory Anorak has secured our resident Lithuanian coffee maker, Aras, to a pair of headphones and will force him to listen to Chanelle morning noon and night for seven days.
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Posted: 8th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (7)
I’d Do Anything: Amy’s A Toe-In And Betting Odds
AMY’S audition for Sarah Ferguson: The Engagement Years continues for another week.
The ginger hair, the lurid frilly, fussy hideous dresses and the fetish for open-toed sandals, alleged, are all reminiscent of young Fergie in her pomp.
Such a reason surely lies behind the fact that Amy is 250-1 on the Betfair markets to be named as I’ll Do Anything’s Nancy.
If Amy wants to improve her chances, we suggest she goes for the Bianca Jackson look, the EastEnders harridan whose return to the soap brought with it an upsurge in viewing figures.
On the telly, we like our gingers boisterous and feisty. Amy needs to break some cups and start calling Lloyd Webber Andaaaaaayyyy.
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Posted: 7th, April 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)
BBC ‘Scared’ Of Islam
THE BBC is scared of Islam, says Ben Elton.
Writes Dizzy:
How refreshing it is to see that Ben Elton has accused the BBC of being scared of Islam. In an interview with ‘Third Way’, a Christian magazine, he has said the BBC hides behind the idea of moral sensibilities but really it’s ‘because they’re scared’. He also questioned why Christianity was a valid target with for example jokes about vicars but not ones about Immans.
Absobloodylutely! That’s what I say. I’m not a Christian myself, but I can understand why God Botherers get so irritated by the way their faith is easily ridiculed by the secular world but other faiths, in particular Islam, is not. No one has the right not be offended after all, and Islam should be ridiculed, just as much as Jehovah Witnesses, Catholics, Hindus, Buddhists and whatever other faith you can think.
If we are, as many have argued, engaged in an ideological struggle against Islamism (however great), then for us to show deference to the special interests of Islam as a whole then it puts the values of Western ideology on very shaky ground. If the BBC had balls it would buy Little Mosque on the Prairie from the Canadians for a BBC2 night time slot.
It’s a top show. Even better than the Heaven And Earth show…
Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (6)
Gay Men Do Alan Sugar’s The Apprentice
IT might be the pointy finger that does it, but whatever the reason the Star says “GAYS” are “SWEET” on Alan Sugar, human resources director of BBC TV’s The Apprentice.
“Apprentice sex shock for Alan,” says the paper.
Reading on we learn that while some kinkier “gays” will doubtless fancy Sugar’s bristly charms, it is his would-be apprentices who possess the allure.
It turns out that Sir Alan Sugar has become a gay hero after hiring a workstation of handsome chaps.
We’d like to chip in and say that Sugar is unlikely to have chosen the show’s agonists, all of whom are surely plucked from reality show central casting:
Nicholas de Lacy-Brown – The idiotic toff with the idiotic toff’s name has already left the show.
Raef Bjayou – The ethnic representation with a name that sounds like something uttered by an ejaculating donkey. Bjayou looks like the toilet attendant in the Bates Motel.
Lee McQueen – Best name of the bunch. McQueen should appeal to the gays.
Says Lee: “If you missed something in the earlier part of your life, you’ll find it again before your time is up.”
Old Mr Anorak The Elder once lost a stuffed brown bear only to be reunited with it seconds before his death when his son and heir pushed it on a roller skate into his room to the accompanying sound “Boo!”
Kevin Shaw – Kevin has excitable hair and the look of a Division 2 footballer. Says Kevin: “I will take no prisoners in the boardroom and will nail anyone who gets in my way.” Translation: I am fixated by crucifixion and death.
Simon Smith – Simon says: “I’m too soft at times – I fall for the little old lady factor.” Simon is the Essex boy contestant most likely to try and pull Sugar’s mother.
Michael Sophocles – A swarthy Telesales Executive sat in his pod dreaming of world domination. Get this “I am single minded and will manipulate others if necessary to get to the prize.” Translation: I can only think of one thing at a time and have no friends”
Ian Stringer – The token Celt. Ian gives the best quote of all: “There are two kinds of people in the world. Winners and… I don’t know how to spell the other word. I can’t say it…” Translation: I have a peech imthediment and am crip at speeling.”
Alex Wotherpoon – No nonsense Northerner. Says Alex: “I expect people to obey clear instructions. If this doesn’t happen I become annoyed.” You can hear the production team mouthing “You’re fired” as he entered the room.
All in all, an utterly unfanciable, unlovely bunch of l… What was it again, Ian? No, not lovers. Close. Try again…
Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)
Kelly Osbourne Is Slapped Happy
KELLY Osbourne is in conversation with US chat show 20/20 about Kelly, Kelly and all things Kelly. Says she:
“I remember one night being woken up by my mom punching me in the back so that I started breathing again in bed, and I had pissed myself in my sleep. I’m sorry, but at 20 years old, to wake up by your mother trying to resuscitate you in a bed of your own piss, that is mortifying.”
Indeed,it’s much more the accepted thing to be slapped conscious by a Greek policeman in Faliraki.
Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (4)
Behold The Flying Penguins
YOU’LL believe a penguin can fly.
The BBC series Miracles of Evolution features the flying penguins
Camera crews happened upon a colony of Adélie penguins on King George Island in the South Atlantic.
Isn’t a flying penguin called a puffin?
Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Photojournalism, TV & Radio | Comments (7)
I’d Do Anything Latest Betting Odds
JODIE is the favourite the win I’d Do Anything.
Jodie, 4-1 on the Betfair markets, has been on TV before, winning the ‘The Biggest Loser’ show.
No, not a televised talent contest to play Hale & Pace, rather a show wherein agonists competed to lose the most weight.
Open to one and all, the programme nonetheless favoured those of a heavier build. Jodie won after losing 8 stone. If, say, the typical footballers’ wife or model had tried the same thing, they would now weigh no more than a garden pea.
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Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Hope Floats For Ant ‘N’ Dec’s Row Idol And The Sunken Boat Race
PAST the bell at Arling and Hobbs and down to river for the big one. In 179 years of the Varsity Boat Race, Oxford and Cambridge have featured in them all.
Some say this makes the Boat Race predictable and old fashioned. But we say it represents the future, and other sports, chiefly football’s Premier League could surely do worse than dispense with all teams other than the richest duo of Manchester United and decide who wins the league title on penalty shoot out, or, indeed, a boat race.
Of course, even then the title can be decided in the opening salvos.
As TV Boat Race commentator Peter Drury tells the Telegraph: “There have been some exciting, tight races, but there is always the possibility that by Hammersmith Bridge you know who’s won, and you still have 10 to 12 minutes to run. That’s what I’ve been preparing for. You can’t sit and watch those dead minutes and hear the commentator say, ‘that is X, a 23-year-old from X college, studying X…’.”
Indeed, not. You need to know the rowers height and weight, what pub the boat is passing and a hotline to Stephen Fry and Clive Anderson.
But enlivening the race can be tricky.
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Posted: 29th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
The Real Homer Simpson
THE Real flesh and blood Homer Simpson…
Posted: 28th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism, TV & Radio | Comment
EastEnders’ Bianca Jackson Five
THE Jackson Five are impoverished, says the Star, or not, say two of the Jacksons.
To give its readers some kind of idea of what the Jacksons now look like, the Sun has an image of one Bianca Jackson, who lives in Walford, in London’s East End.
From left to right: Colin, Michael, Joe, Jackson Pollock and Samuel L. Jackson…
Posted: 28th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)
BBC Radio 4 Newsreader Laughs At Abby Mann’s Obituary
YOU are listening to BBC Radio 4 laughing at the obituary for Abby Man, the writer of Judgement At Nuremberg and episodes of Kojak – click the image to play…
Posted: 28th, March 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (5)
Ken Layne On The X-Files And 9/11
THE X-Files borefest predicted 9/11 and the World Trade Center murders:
Anyway, Variety asked these people about the bizarre “coincidences” between the X-Files, its short-lived 2001 spin-off The Lone Gunmen, and why Condi Rice is such a terrible liar. This is because the pilot episode of The Lone Gunmen is about corrupt Defense contractors and evil government officials flying a passenger jet into the World Trade Center so they can blame it on terrorists and start a lucrative series of anti-terror wars to boost defense-sector profits in the post-Cold War era. This was shown in May 2001 on FOX, and it got such terrible ratings that nobody noticed it was about 9/11, which happened a few months later…
Posted: 27th, March 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
The Reality TV Virus Kills Native Peruvian Indians
MARK And Olly is must-see TV for anyone interested in witnessing tribes on the brink of destruction.
Mark Anstice and Olly Steeds, two British presenters, would live with a remote tribe in
And get it while you can because reality TV film company Cicada Films, the power behind such documentaries as “Ancient Plastic Surgery” and “Fat Fiancées,” strands accused of spreading disease among the indigenous populations. Four of that tribe are dead and others are sick
Whereas once native Indian tribes received beads and smallpox in exchange for being exploited, they now get fifteen minutes of TV fame and MRSA.
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Posted: 27th, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
The Bulgarian Mariah Carey, With Ken Lee
THE Bulgarian Mariah Carey, With Ken Lee…
Indeed. It is better with the sound turned down…
Posted: 25th, March 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Getting Your Nancys In A Twist: I’d Do Anything
“MEET the Nancys,” implores the I’ll Do Anything website.
No, not Graham Norton. Looking for a Nancy is the BBC’s big joke.
“Welcome to Nancy School,” says Denis Van Outen to the assembled would-be Nancys and, naturally, host Graham Norton.
Or just Graham. This is “Oliver”. There’s a voice coach who once starred in “Phantom”. We’re looking for Nancy. The Olivers appeared. We saw “Arthur”. We met “Joseph”.
The show is only one week old and we’re already on first name terms with everybody.
One person who doesn’t have one name on the show is Andrew Lloyd Webber, who, greedily, has three.
And there’s Francesca, who has two names – one real name and one stage name. Francesca has just been working with the aforesaid Denise, the show’s judge. So that means lots of room for contentious decisions and scandal.
She also looks Sharon from EastEnders.
She should do well.
John Barrowman (a Nancy judge), Graham and Denise then put cards of each Nancy on a table and chose which ones they liked. The gang then called the Nancys into a room and told 18 of them “You could be Nancy” and the rest “You could not be Nancy”.
Such is the desire to be taken for a 19th Century prostitute, that the girls are either elated or crushed.
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Posted: 25th, March 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
